


Zoe

by Mysteryred



Series: Zoe [1]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Dark, Drama, F/M, Family, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-01 11:26:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 49,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4017976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mysteryred/pseuds/Mysteryred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raphael witnesses Foot soldiers attacking a woman on her rooftop, before he can come to her aide something very unexpected happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I tend to blend the 2012 & 2014 turtles. When writing adult pieces I typically utilize 2014 physical appearance but prefer the 2012 storyline.

**Zoe**

If I could just control myself. Inhale. Forget my past. Exhale. Maybe I can find some relief. Inhale. Exhale through your nose. Start with your breathing. Always breathe. In. Out. I close my eyes, sit in easy pose, and begin again.

It's getting dark.

Heaving a sigh, I glare helplessly at the darkening smog covered New York City skyline. As I rise to my feet on my yoga mat, I reach over and pick up the silver Zippo. There's a candle at each corner of my mat for this very reason. I light them quickly.

I'm not done working out yet. I knew I got started late but I did have to wait until I got off work and the rooftop seemed safer than the park. I wanted to be close to nature, as close as someone can get in the concrete jungle anyway. Outside worked for me. Forget a damn gym. I'd have to deal with all those people. I get enough of that shit at work all day and retail is ridiculous.

Returning to my mat and grounding myself in a tree pose, I practice with my eyes closed. I'm certain of where the earth is, I don't need to look around. What I need is focus. I've got this, I'm grounded. Sort of, I mean I know where I am. I just can't control… certain aspects... of myself. What chakra is that?

Everything I know I'm in conflict with. I can't analyze myself and there are parts of me that I'm afraid of. What pose will help with that? I spread my feet and raise my arms parallel to the ground beneath me, straight arms, relaxed but strong shoulders, warrior II. Bending my front knee I push forward, sinking deeper in the pose. Breathe.

As another breeze sweeps over my skin, the hairs on my arms raise. There's a lot of extra energy in the air... Someone's watching me. Breathe. I open my eyes only to close them again, listening, deeper, now feeling. Reach past the smells of pollution, fast food, the dirt on the rooftop and my own sweat. Turn inward, deeper still, beyond the sound of sirens wailing in the distance, past the cars rushing by on the street below, past the pigeon nesting in the chimney to my left, and even my own rhythmic heartbeat.

Be still, deeper, life forces, feel, sense, and detect. Breathe.

There's more than one being on the roof with me. I can hear shushing, elbowing, shuffling. I move from warrior II to downward dog and take it through a chaturanga. All the while, I'm breathing and listening. I sit in lotus and listen. Breathe. Energy is radiating toward me, my skin tingles in response. I don't sense evil. It feels more like… curiosity. I hear another set of feet hit the rooftop behind me. There you are…

Welcome back, my mysterious big guy. You gonna finally show yourself tonight, maybe talk to me for once?

I feel the vibrations of a raised temper radiate towards me. I don't know if it's directed at me but I can sense the tension. Guess I better get to my feet at least. I stand at the front of my mat, still in tune with the life in the air around me as I slip my feet into my walking sneakers. I hear one shuffle, two, three, followed by the rhythmic retreating clinks and groans of the metal fire escape.

I freeze, watching the candlelight flicker and protest to go out. There's still one left. The angry one. The mystery man. My shoulders tense in protest under my watchers steady gaze. What do you want? I spin around and let me eyes run from one side of the rooftop to the other. I won't be a damn victim. Not anymore. Never again. Breathe. Just breathe.

Do you sense evil? No. And you haven't from him yet. Just attitude. Well, hell. I've got one of those, too.

Still facing the direction of my watcher, I pull my red hair back up into a pony-bun. Too much of that shit got in my face during my practice. If anything does happen, I don't want it in the way. I grab my towel from my pink gym bag and dab my face, hands, and abdomen, then straighten the straps on my black sports bra and shove the towel back in the bag, feeling around the bottom of it for a tiny bit of reassurance.

There's a shift in energy now, away from my watcher and toward me. My stomach twists in an uneasy knot. The temperature seems to drop, but that could be my body’stake on the shift. A cruel wind rushes past, blowing my tiny candles out. As the flames extinguish, I'm blanketed with evil intentions.

Damn.

I turn my back on my watcher and face a half-dozen men dressed head to toe in black.

I'm not going to fight anyone. I'm not going to hurt anyone. Please, I don't want to hurt anyone.

Okay, well then, how are you going to get away because they're blocking the damn door?

I feign a smile as I struggle with the beast within me, "Excuse me, please. Sorry, I didn't know the roof would be this busy this time a night." As I move to pick up my yoga mat, each member of my company steps into a fighting stance.

Really?

They move in closer.

Well, I'm not going back and I'm sure that's why you're here.

I flip backwards kicking the one closest to me in the head. As I land next to my stuff, I grab a candle, chucking it into the face of another. Shit. There's more than six, they're everywhere. Snatching up my bag I slip my hand inside, wrapping my fingers around a dagger. Yikes, that's a foot coming at my face! Duck! I shove the bag into the face of another attacker. Sweep that leg! Duck, spin, punch, kick, duck. Placing the sheath of the dagger in my mouth, I release the blade. Ducking the blow of my next assailant, I spin kick two more, one in the chest and another in the head. Lunging at the next one closest to me, I slit his throat releasing a rush of thick hot liquid over my hand. I glance at the blood on my hands and surrender to the haze.

XXX

I don't know how long I've been out, but my sense of touch has returned first. I remain still, feeling softness beneath my body. Scents join me next. The air smells like lavender, chamomile, rose otto, and damn clary sage. I love my essential oils but clary sage is strong and I always use too much. I'm home. But I don't move yet, because I can hear voices.

"We need to go."

"This place is gon be crawlin wit cops."

"She has a lot of scars."

"So do we, what's that got ta do wit anythin?"

"It's just an observation."

"Dude, she's so hot."

These are the four that have been watching my practice night after night for the past month. I just know it. I try not to, but a groan escapes my lips.

"Shhh, she's waking up."

"You, shhh."

"Get your hand outta my face,"

"Shhh."

"You, shhh."

I can't help the chuckle that leaves my throat as I open my eyes to the unlit room. There's a bright light beaming in my eyes from a headlamp attached to the head of a giant turtle leaning over me.

I blink to make sure I’m seeing correctly.

I am.

A giant turtle.

Well, why not? I’ve seen crazier things.

I wonder if their story is anything like my own.

I squint. "Do you mind?"

"Her pupils are reactive. No concussion. She's fine." His gentle, amber colored reptilian eyes search my face and he looks away to his companions behind me. I sit up as he stands and look over the back of my tan couch to three more only slightly different in build and height.

They're standing in the shadows of the room, one near the kitchen, one near the hallway, and the smallest one is moving towards my face, quickly. He leans over the back of the couch staring me in the eyes. "Hey babe, I'm Mikey."

His brilliant blue eyes are mesmerizing.

"She's looking at us like we're freaks,” the angry one growls.

Mikey glances at the red masked turtle. “Forget that, why isn’t she screaming?” then his eyes dart back to me as his orange mask lifts expectantly, “Why aren’t you screaming? I mean not that we want you to, but it’s kinda par for the course.”

I can feel four sets of eyes on me as a small smile plays on my lips. “I’ve seen weirder,” I say dismissively before shifting my gaze away from his beautiful blue eyes, to look back at the bitter red clad turtle.

He's massive. The largest of the four and although I can't see his face clearly, his body language is threatening. But for some reason, he does not scare me, not one bit. It’s probably because he’s been on my rooftop so much over the past month. I mean, if he was going to hurt me, surely he would’ve by now. I finally understand why he wouldn’t talk to me and why he never showed himself. All of this, giant turtle business, would freak out any normal human. My heart skips a beat as I realize, I finally get to look at him.

Standing up on my couch, I climb mindlessly over the back of it. "Excuse me for a minute, Mikey. It's very nice to meet you." My fingers brush his green skinned arm lightly as I let my hand fall back to my side.

“But, wait-what do you mean weirder?”

I barely hear Mikey’s voice as I drift toward the angry turtle.

The terrapin with a mask, the color of his temper, sees that I'm moving in his direction and stands up straighter, crossing his massive arms as he leans against the wall near my kitchen. I stop right in front of him, looking up and into his eyes. They're green, I can see now, in the light coming from the kitchen stove. He's so freaking big! The energy radiating off him lights a fire inside me as like recognizes like.  My heart is pounding as I step up on my tiptoes to get a closer look at him.

"What are you doin?" His green eyes glare into my own grays. "Need a closer look at the freak?"

If you only knew what I've seen, what I know, what I am.

"Don't put words in my mouth,” I say clearly, lifting my chin and tilting my head as I search his eyes. They're the clearest green, and as big as he is, as hard as he's trying to be, they betray him. Warmer waters lie just beneath that thin layer of ice, I can sense it. As I take in the broad green face, and blunt snout, scarred and baring a bitter expression, I’m overcome with the urge to touch him, not only to know what his skin feels like but everything I will learn about him the moment I do. This is so wrong Zoe, he’s a total stranger! I know that if I do this, he’s going to start thinking I’m the freak, but then that’s not entirely untrue. My breath catches in my throat as my fingertips reach for his cheek.

He growls.

I'm snatched from behind before my fingers meet his emerald green skin. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," a clear, calm voice says.

As I'm set back on my feet near the front door, I find myself facing a blue masked turtle with eyes the same color as his bandanna. His mouth curves into a small smile and he bows a bit at me, "I'm Leonardo. These are my brothers. Donatello examined you." I look over at the purple clad turtle with the headlamp. He's tall, as tall as the angry one, only leaner. He smiles a warm, honest smile and bows like his brother.

"You’ve met Michelangelo." The smallest turtle grins, and waves a green three fingered hand. He's adorable. His blue eyes are sweet and mischievous, his orange bandanna perfectly matching his cheerful demeanor. They're obviously younger than the other two and friendly. "And then there's Raphael, who you shouldn't touch."

"I'm Zoe," I murmur as my eyes settle back on Raphael's green gems and I smile at him. His eye ridges rise and fall as he glares at me. I scoff. He may be bigger than me, but damn, I might be looking in a mirror. Of course he's a turtle and I'm somewhat human, but it's the spirit behind those eyes. That I understand. My breath is trapped in my throat. He's staring at me and I'm staring at him.

"Okay, well this isn't awkward at all," Donatello says taking steps toward the window.

"Dude, she's into Raph. Wow." Mikey laughs as he slipped by me, right into my kitchen. "Got anything to eat?"

I'm focused on Raphael, searching him, seeing him and something tells me he's seeing me too. As his brother moves past us, Raphael's hand flies up and smacks Mike in the back of the head, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Enough. Do you realize what you did up there on the roof tonight?" Leonardo's voice is right behind me now.

The night’s events snap to the forefront of my mind. "Oh, no." I drop to my knees between Raphael and Leonardo, sinking my fingers into the plush carpet, gripping the floor as if it will ground me. I lift my hands, holding them in front of my face and turning them. "Where's the blood?"

"I cleaned it off of you. I threw the towels into a trash bag. We'll take it with us when we leave." Donatello stood to my right side now.

"You killed every one of them. Every. Last. One,” Leonardo stated.

I stare into my hands, the turtle's legs around me a blur of green. "I know. It happens. Every-"

"Lemme talk to her," Raphael finally speaks, "Alone." He's looking down at me.

Leonardo seems surprised. "Are you sure?"

"Why not? He's been stalking her for weeks." Mikey shrugs as he appears behind Donatello munching on a bag of potato chips.

Leonardo groans, “Very funny, Mikey.”

Raphael's weight shifts slightly as Donatello nods, "Allow me," then elbows his little brother.

"Ow. Dude, that's not cool." Mikey shoves another handful of chips in his mouth as he leans towards my face. "Do you mind if I finish these?"

"Help yourself, Mike,” I mumble, closing my eyes and feeling the curl come on. My arms instinctively wrap around my legs and I rest my face on my knees.

"Go on. I've got this."

"You're sure?" Leonardo asks again, but I can hear him moving towards my living room window.

"Go."

I hear them leave, but I'm still curled up. I'm upright, just wrapped around myself, holding myself together. If I don't, my emotions will overtake me and the dam might break.

He slides his shell down the wall and rests on the floor. We sit there in silence for what feels like forever, but is probably more like five minutes. I can feel him looking at me and while he does, I'm listening to his steady deep breathing and finding it soothing.

"So, you gon' talk to me, or what?" he asks.

Forcing myself to move, I scoot over to lean against the back of my couch, facing him. "You guys have been coming to my roof top every night for the past month. I've felt you there. They leave when I'm putting my stuff away, but you stay."

His breathing quickens a bit before he growls. "I don' know what you're talkin' bout'." He moves like he is going to get to his feet. "Leo was right. He shoulda stayed insteada me."

Good job Zoe, you’ve embarrassed him. God, my social skills suck, not that his seem to be much better. As his weight shifts, my heart sinks because I’m about to be alone again, and I realize that not only do I not want that, but I want to know him, and if he leaves now, I’m sure I’ll never see him again.

"Wait." I reach out a hand to him but stop myself, Leo's voice in my head. And we are back to staring at each other. He settles back on the floor.

"Well?"

"Well what?" I ask him, my palms sweating. I have never looked in someone's eyes and just understood them, not like this. Never, and I'm- well who I am.

"Ya went nuts up there. Why's the Foot lookin for you, why'd ya kill all of'em when you coulda just put'em down? And where'd ya learn to fight?" He is studying me too. I feel his eyes scan my body, stare at my red hair, then settle back on my eyes.

"They attacked me, remember? Why do you get to ask me questions about me but I can't ask any about you?" I move to my knees and scoot closer to him.

He growls again.

"Really?" Is that going to be his response to everything he doesn’t like? Growling? Even better, is it supposed to scare me? Whatever. I find myself managing to suppress a laugh but somehow a snort still escapes me.

He seemed surprised by my reaction and stares at me for a minute then his lips part. "Fine. You ask one, I ask one."

I stand up and lean on the wall next to him then slide down to sit beside him. "Raphael, what do you see when you look in my eyes?" I'm curious. I wonder if he's feeling this… this force, this energy between us. He has to be, or else he wouldn't keep looking at me like he is. Would he?

He shakes his head. "Why aren't you freaking out right now?"

I lean my face close to his, staring into his crystal green eyes. If I could just stop looking at him... My heart jerks, and the close proximity of him sends my pulse racing. "Because I've felt you on the roof for weeks, I've felt you there. You're presence isn't foreign to me. I knew you were there. I'm-" my lips quiver and my eyes dart over his face, "I- I'm an empath."

"What's that mean?" He seems embarrassed that he has to ask, and I felt his guard go up.

"Relax, big guy. I'm a judgment free zone. Remember, not freaking out here." I watch as he struggles with whether or not to trust me.

"What's it mean?" He has a Brooklyn accent and I kinda like it.

"I'm in tune with other beings emotions. Animals, people, it doesn't matter. If you're near me, I can sense your presence, whether or not you mean me harm, if you're happy, sad," I flash him a devilish grin, "horny."

He chuckles and seems to relax a little.

"Do you want a drink? I've got water and good beer. None of that light shit." I stand up and he follows suit.

"Beer," he has a sexy crooked grin. I watch as he leans his massive frame against my kitchen counter, then I hand him a cold bottle from the fridge.

"So I'm an empath and you are-"

"A turtle." He shrugs.

"Nice try." I scan him over. He has at least thirteen inches height over me. Of course, I'm a shorty at five foot, two. His shoulders are about as broad as my fridge. He's wearing a utility belt holding sai, and a loin cloth… interesting. He has knee and elbow pads and athletic wrap on his large wrists and ankles. "Ninja?"

He smirks.

"Don't be smug,” I sass him.

He takes a swig of his beer and grows serious again, as if remembering his business. "Why the Foot after ya?"

My face falls, my eyes sinking back to my feet.

"I can't do nothin' for ya, if ya don't tell me what they were doin here." He stares at me, shifts his weight and sits his beer down. "You're in trouble ain't ya?"

I lick my lips, summon the courage to swallow my shame, and look in his eyes. "I can't control what I do in a fight."

He's staring at me. I think I'm going to be sick. Why'd I tell him that? I don't talk to anyone. I have no friends, no family. I don't trust anyone. I stay away from people. I hurt people. I do bad things. Yet as I'm looking in those green reptilian eyes, I think he's seeing me, and maybe, just maybe, he'll understand me.

My gaze falls to the floor. "I've been practicing on the roof, trying to gain control. Yoga helps. I black out in a fight. It just takes over." I lick my lips, my mouth is so dry.

"What takes over?"

I'm afraid of my own darkness.

I swallow. What am I doing? I glance at him, then turn and walk out of the kitchen.

"Hey, where you goin?" As big as he is, he moves silently down the unlit hall, following me.

"I've got to go. I've got to move. They know where I am,” I say more to myself than to him.

"Do you always walk around in the dark?" he asks, stopping outside my bedroom door.

I wonder for a second, as I flip on the closet light, if he's ever been in a girl's room. He stands in the doorway looking around and then back at me. Yes. Maybe. Maybe, not. Is he just being respectful?

"You can come in. It's just a room. I haven't even lived here that long." I turn and grab two large black bags from the top shelf of my closet. There is nothing personal anywhere. I'd rented the apartment furnished so what is here came with the place. There are no family photos. No knick knacks. No mementos.

He stays in the doorway watching me stuff clothes into one bag. The other bag is already full, full of things I probably shouldn't even have in my possession, packed and ready for a time like this.

"I think, maybe you should come with me. I know someone who can help you."

I shove the last pair of yoga pants in my bag and zip it up, then stand facing him in the doorway with one bag over my shoulder and another hanging by my side. The weight of the latter makes the bag strap dig into my shoulder, but I stand up straight engaging my core to help me out.

As he reaches down with his large hand, gently lifting the bag from my shoulder, his fingertips brush my skin and the light sensation feels like a current running through me. His eyes widen a little as he lifted lifts the bag and he seems somewhat impressed. "You're strong for a little thing." He nods his head for me to follow him, turning and walking down the hallway. "What's in here anyway, bricks?"

When he realizes I am not following him he comes back for me. "You comin' or what?"

"How do I know I can trust you? I just met you." I already know the answers. I can feel them.

His crooked grin makes my heart skip. "You're the empath. You tell me."

My lips tremble as I grit my teeth, breathing deeply. "I don't want to cause you any trouble. I'm trouble."

His grin widens. "Yeah, I figured. C'mon."

**Raphael**

We stop walking right above the manhole cover that will lead me home.

She thinks she's trouble. I have to wonder which one of us is going to bring the other more of that. She's little, but damn, she put up a hell of a decent fight. But that look on her face while she was doing it. That was some shit. The moment she lost control, the second she pulled that dagger she was gone.

"Why are you shaking your head?" she asks in her sassy voice. I look down at her perfect mouth- Stop. Don't. Go. There.

"Its nothin'. Here, I need you to cover your head, your eyes." I gesture to the black scarf she wrapped around her neck before we left her apartment.

Her gray eyes widen. "Are you going to drag me off somewhere and kill me? I mean I can hold my own in a fight but you're massive and if I handicap myself, I'm a gonner."

Seriously? Is she serious right now? First, I would crush her. There'd be no getting away. Not that I would, but I could. I'm staring at her into those great big eyes. They look like storm clouds. But I can see pain welling in them like rain threatening to fall.

She looks like she wants to run. Shit. She's scared. Fuck, this isn't my thing. This is a Mike or a Don thing. Even Leo is better at this than me.

"Grrmm," I grumble as I lean down to her.

I see I'm not wrong, but I'm not entirely right either. She's scared, yeah, but as I’m looking at her, she crosses her arms and lifts her chin defiantly, and I start to think maybe she's a bit pissy, too. I smile a little, enjoying that spark I’m seeing, and she sets her jaw and her eyes steel. "Uh-uh. Don't get mad. That's my thing."

She straightens herself and shifts, slipping her fingers to the zipper on her duffel. She toys with it, staring at me, then she rolls her eyes and drops the bag. "If you want me to trust you. I need to touch you."

Shit. Shit. Shit. If I touch her, she'll feel soft beneath my fingers and warm, and I'll be what I am and she'll feel that. I am what I am, big, rough, and scarred. Touching is a doorway in, it isn't safe. Shit. She is going to be nothing but trouble. Damn.

She's chewing on her lip and reaching out her tiny hand toward me. Her eyes are pooling with some level of misery that matches my own. Self loathing, resentment, bitterness, she'd like to be a brick wall but all I see there is myself. I should run, but even though I’m seeing all of this and I know how much I’ve suffered with it, I can’t help thinking that if someone understood me, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, and maybe there’s a chance that she could and I wouldn’t feel so damn alone. There’s a pang in my stomach and a tugging at my heart and before I can think it through I’m reaching my huge hand to her small one. This isn't going to end well. There’s no way it could.

There's an energy radiating off her skin, like electricity. Her hand is warm and soft, everything I thought it would be. I want to pull her into my arms and hold her there. I want her to feel safe. I want her to trust me and I want to trust her.

"What the fuck?" I jerk back my hand and step away from her. What the hell was that?

She pulls her hand back, rests it at her side and looks me in the eye. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

"What the- What just happened? What'd you do to me?" I realize now that I'm pointing my finger at her, almost in her eye. Dropping my hand to my side, I shift my weight and cross my arms.

"I'm sorry, I won't touch you again unless you ask me to. I'm sorry. Look, I'll cover my eyes. We're good. We can go now. Please don't change your mind."

I'm about to change my mind. I don't know what the hell she did but that was some soft shit and I don't like it. My hand was still tingling from the static sensation that ran up my arm and spread out like a damn disease, but that wasn’t the worst of it, that was only the preface, for the tsunami of sappy emotions that followed. It was like my yearly dose of warm fuzzies smashed into five seconds. Five seconds too long. She can't be doing that, making me feel that deep shit. How'd she do that? Did she do that? What. Just. Happened.

"Did you do that?" I sound madder than I intend. Whatever.

"Yes, but I don't make you feel anything, I just bring to the surface what your feelings are. Then I can gauge your intent." Her face turns as red as my mask.

Why's she blushin?

"Don't do it again,” I snap then gesture to her scarf. She nods and covers her eyes. I lift the manhole cover and she stiffens.

"What now?" I ask her.

"I'm claustrophobic."

Well, she doesn't wimp around her fear. I gotta respect that.

"What do you want me to do bout' it?" I huff.

"You're asking me to go down into a dark, narrow space. That is- I can't see. How am I supposed to climb down a ladder and jump when I can't see my landing?"

Oh for the love of- I swoop her up, bags and all. She's so light, I have to be careful not to just pitch her up in the air. She can't weigh more than a buck. "Don't touch me. Just. Be. Still."

I'm so gonna regret this. She leans her head into my plastron and I can feel her relax. Is she trusting me? She's trusting me. I can feel it. I look down at the tiny woman cradled in my arms and her red hair brushes against my cheek. She smells like honeysuckle. It's soothing and pleasant. She doesn't move around, she's submit herself, entrusted herself to me. Me. A giant turtle, and it doesn't even faze her. My heart is pounding. _I regret this already._


	2. Chapter 2

**_Zoe_ **

My heart is still pounding. I've read the emotions of many a creature in my twenty three years but I've never… he wiped me out. It hits me like a tidal wave, the frustration, pain and anger and as it crests, there is everything behind it. He has so much to give, honesty, hope, passion, loyalty, and a desire for love and trust. As the wave recedes, I place his intent, his most prominent emotion. It’s a bit private and heavily guarded but I can feel it and he means me no harm. If anything, it’s the opposite and I know without doubt that I will be safe with him.

Then he opens the manhole cover and I think I may stop breathing. Maybe I do, but then he snatches me up in those huge arms. As he carries me and my baggage, emotional and literal, I feel myself dozing off.

"What happened?" That was the purple masked one… Donatello. Donatello, is his name. That’s his voice.

I uncover my face and open my eyes as Raphael sets me on my feet.

"She's not hurt. Why'd ya bring'er home? No offense, Babe." Michelangelo drops a game controller and leaps to his feet, grinning.

I look around the vast concrete space. The couch Mike is sitting on is made out of pizza boxes, a tattered blue blanket and a yellow throw pillow are mounded up in the far corner. Two armchairs, also fashioned out of pizza boxes, rest on either end. There isn't one TV across from the couch but more like a dozen of different sizes. The coffee table is fashioned out of boxes too and there are several dingy bean bags strewn around the space. Beautiful concrete arches span along each side of me and across the space of the living area. As I am soaking up the room around me Leonardo appears in the archway across the living area, his eyes grow wide with concern but I’m so enamored with my surroundings I continue looking around. Each arch appears to lead into another alcove or room. There are stairs to my left leading up to a walkway that sweeps the left side of the room until it ends at the wall and there are five doors along it. This place is amazing.

"What is she doing here?" Leo snaps.

Raph tenses. "I need to talk to Sensei."

"What are you thinking? You brought her here? Are you crazy?" Leo closes the space between him and Raph in the blink of an eye.

Raphael swells next to me and I step back, into Mike.

"Come with me,” Mike says cheerfully.

"Are they going to be okay?" I ask, as Mike leads me into the space Leo just occupied. As I step through, I realize I'm in a kitchen and dining area, with a scuffed up dining table that looks to be a discarded antique and is surrounded by mismatching chairs. This is all repurposed or recycled stuff. My heart swells. I had nothing and wasn't smart enough to think of this. They've created an entire home and furnished it, every discarded, forgotten thing, with new life and renewed purpose.

"Are you okay?" Mike asks and I realize he’s been talking to me and I haven't heard a thing.

"Uh- sure," I say absently.

The sounds of yelling and a scuffle going on behind me shift my attention. "Are they fighting?"

"Yep," Mike says matter-of-factly, "Want a drink?"

"Uh, water, please." I watch as Raph punches Leo and Leo blocks then sweeps Raph’s leg. Raphael rolls over Leo’s foot then spins around and tackles him to the floor. "Is this my fault?"

"Well- yes and no," Donatello says, coming to stand beside me.

A giant russet colored rat seems to appear from nowhere right next to the fighting turtles. "What is the meaning of this?"

They freeze, roll apart, get to their feet then look at the ground.

The rat's head turns toward me. I take a deep breath and look to my own feet. Closing my eyes, I try to slow my racing heart. Okay, okay. I can handle this. I'm not going to freak out. Focus Zoe, focus. What is his intent? Breathe. Breathe. And then it comes, the wisdom drifts over me like a warm blanket and comforts me. It is soothing, peaceful, honorable, and patient but firm. Breathe.

"Are you alright, child?" The rat's voice is soft and calming.

I open my eyes and he's standing before me, Leo and Raph watch from behind, while Mike and Don linger nearby. I peer into his gleaming black eyes and find my own hopes reflected in them. My stomach dips and twists, with fear that he sees right through me, into the pitch that resides where my soul should lie. Tears well in my eyes and I blink them back and bite my lip. I don't want to be disrespectful. "Yes. I'm-" I stop myself. It is more disrespectful to lie than it is to tell him the truth. "No. I'm not. But I don't want to cause this- this kind of disruption in your home either. I should go."

"Oh this? The fight? Nah, this is totally normal, Babe." Mike smiles and hands me a glass of water.

"Michelangelo." The rat only says his name and he immediately steps back, lowering his gaze to the floor.

"I'm so sorry." I shake my head and hand Donatello the glass.

"Sensei, I brought her here,” Raph blurts out.

"Raphael." He silences the other turtle who I notice shifting his weight and looking from me to the ground and back.

The rat looks at me, "I'm Splinter. Come. Bring your water and follow me. I sense we have much to discuss."

"ZZZoe. I'm Zoe,” I stammer.

Donatello places the water back in my hand and offers me a shy smile.

Breathe. And, follow the rat.

Splinter leads me down an alcove to the left of the kitchen. We pass an arch that leads into a weight room, another looks like a laboratory, another a first aide type area, and finally we enter the last room. A dojo. It is the largest area. Old gymnasium mats are piled up against the back wall, and thinner wrestling mats cover the majority of the floor area. Weapons line the wall behind Splinter. The moisture in my mouth seems to evaporate as I back away from him and the wall.

"Come. Sit." He kneels and I tentatively step closer to him and come to rest in easy pose. Splinter looks at me thoughtfully. I wait for him to speak but he continues to study me.

Well I do this to people too, so why not?

I stare back at him for a few moments before his eyes seem to sparkle and I feel as if he knows something I do not. He strikes me as good-natured when he asks in a soft voice, "Why did my son bring you here?"

I sip my water and set it next to me, then I slip from easy pose to Indian style and search the floor for the answers.

The rat chuckles, "it's alright. You can talk freely here. I will not judge you."

I sigh with doubt but he reaches out a gentle paw toward me as if he knows what I am and I take it into my hand. Darkness. Fear. Guilt. Shame. Safety. Wisdom. Hope. Trust. Patience. Control. Control… control… CONTROL.

My mouth falls open as I release his paw. "You, you just fed me my own emotions and desires. How did you? No one's ever. Are you an empath?"

The rat smiles and his whiskers flicker. "No child. I just let you share what you needed. You did this yourself." He nods his head in approval. "Michelangelo, bring Raphael."

Mike sticks his head in the doorway with a guilty look on his face.

"Yes, Sensei." He says then disappears.

My heart flutters as I think about Raphael. Why? Splinter turns his eyes on me again. Can he hear my heart pounding? I lick my lips. My mouth feels like the Sahara.

Raph appears in the doorway towering over Splinter and myself. I can feel his eyes on me before they turn to his father. "Yes, Sensei."

"Zoe will stay with us for now. Please prepare your room for her. You may sleep on the couch. She is your guest." I can feel Splinter’s eyes on both of us. He watches his son carefully. Raphael doesn't flinch. If he doesn't want me in his living space, I can't tell.

"Yes, Sensei." His bow is slighter than the others but he does so and turns to leave, but Splinter isn't finished with him.

"Raphael,” Splinter says.

"Yes, Sensei?"

"I will speak with you when you are finished. By then Zoe and I will have completed our lesson for this evening." Splinter waves a paw to dismiss his son.

"Lesson?" Raphael asks.

"Raphael,” Splinter repeats.

"Yes Sensei." Raph nods then disappears.

Splinter looks at me.

"Lesson, Sir?" I ask, suddenly terrified I’m going to be punished.

"On your feet, Zoe. We begin with katas,” Splinter commands.

"But how do you know what I need? We haven't even talked about anything." I'm blabbering and it's rude and I know it. How does he even know that I know what a kata is? I mean I do- but how does he know that?

"Zoe,” his firm voice breaks through my thoughts. "Focus."

I feel as though I've been called to attention and I want this. I want my energy focused on something, for someone else to guide me. Someone good. Apart from all the evil I know.

**_Raphael_ **

By the time I've cleaned my room and made my way back to the dojo, I catch the end of what must be Zoe's umpteenth kata. Her movements are smooth and fluid. Everything they should be, except I recognize the coldness in her eyes. If a weapon was in her hand, blood would shed. She is dripping with sweat and from all the times I've watched her on her rooftop over the last month, she’s breathing hardest now.

"That's enough Zoe,” Splinter says softly.

But she’s still moving, as if in a trance. She flows from one kata into the next, completely one with her movements.

"Zoe,” Splinter repeats, then watches her a moment before turning to me.

He nods.

Shit. This might suck. I don't want to hurt her. I won't.

I move towards her. Yep. It's gonna suck. Her fist comes at my chin with blazing speed. I duck and sweep her foot out from under her. Damn. She's quick. She rolls away and back to her feet sprinting toward me like a cat. Did she just growl? I swear I heard a low guttural sound. I flip her over my head and wait to hear the thud that never comes. As I spin around, she slides between my legs and back to her feet. That look in her eye, for some reason, literally causes a pain in my gut. Her face is smooth and emotionless except for her eyes. The distance in them tells me she’s miles away inside herself. A shield. Not unlike my own.

"Zoe,” I call to her. "Zoe." Her foot flies towards my face and I grab it then flip her around, pulling her into my plastron and wrapping her in my arms. She’s struggling like a trapped animal, sweat pouring off her shivering body. "Jesus." I blink. For such a small thing, she’s a fighter. Is she hissing? The hiss turns into screams and the guys storm the dojo, weapons drawn. The damn noises coming out of her are freaking me out. I’m going to let her go, even though I’m not hurting her, I know I’m not.

"Raphael, do not let her go,” Splinter demands.

There’s something about her eyes, that cold hard wall of stone that hurts to see. I find myself swallowing back a lump of emotions that aren't for me but for her and I think maybe it’s because I know how it feels to need to put up a virtual wall, to protect your inner self. But I’ve never had to look at that same kind of misery on someone else, and she’s so damn tiny, I can’t help knowing what happened to me that caused that kind of damage and it disgusts me to think that she could’ve suffered through anything like it.

She flails in my arms for what feels like an eternity before the screaming stops. She’s out.

"What was _that_?" Leo's eyes look like they will pop out of his head.

"Is she okay?" Mike asks kneeling beside me to look at her.

I glance at Splinter.

"Yes, now you may release her. If you had let her go, I fear she would have reached for a weapon. Someone could have been hurt."

Donatello looks at me and I nod. He points to the mats on the floor. "Lay her down here, Raph. Mike, will you bring a pillow? Leo, we'll need that water."

I lay her on the mat. Mike brings a pillow for her head and Splinter appears beside me with a blanket.

"She's sweating, Sensei." I take it from him but don't cover her.

"No, he's right. This is some kind of state of shock. She's traumatized. She'll be chilled. We should cover her." Don takes the blanket from my hands and lays it over her. He lifts each of her eyelids and looks at us. "She's in shock. What triggered this?"

"Katas,” Splinter says simply.

Don looks at him incredulously. "A kata sent her into _this_?"

Splinter turns his eyes on me. "Zoe's conscious mind abandoned her the moment she took her first stance."

Everything we know is grounded in self control. I struggle with it the most, but not like this. Nothing like this. "Can we help her, Sensei?"

Splinter places his hand on my arm and I look at him.

"She will need all of us, but foremost she must confide in someone and I'm afraid it will not be me. Raphael, she will be your responsibility. You must decide how much of this you are ready for." He sighs and looks at Zoe who now seems kinda peaceful. "But yes. As long as we live I believe there is hope for us all, my son."

I nod.

Don finishes checking her vitals again. "She's stable. When she comes to, encourage her to take a shower, drink water and rest." He stands up and looks at me. "I'm willing to help anyway I can."

"Thanks, Don." I kneel next to her, watching her sleep, beads of sweat covering her brow.

What have I gotten myself into?

Mike's hand touches my shoulder, "You know I'm in, bro."

I swallow. "Thanks, Mike."

Leo stands over me. "Be careful, Raph. Your-" I glare at him. Really? Again? Now? I shake my head and look down at the girl beside me. "I'll do whatever you need me to,” he says finally.

Great. Everyone's in. But am I ready for this?

 


	3. Chapter 3

**_Zoe_ **

I rub a hand to my eyes before opening them to the high ceiling in the dojo. What happened? What, twice in one night?! Raphael and his family. Oh my God! Did I hurt them? I sit upright faster than my body was ready for and the room started to spin.

"Slow down, Red," Raphael said smoothly.

Oh I could get so used to that voice.

Easy Zoe, you're trouble and I'm pretty sure he doesn't need more of that.

He’s sitting on the floor beside me as I look around and notice immediately that the greatest difference in the room is the absence of weapons.

"Mmm, what happened?"

"I think you know."

I purse my lips and nod. _Damn._ "I should go."

"You can, if you want. But we have a room ready for ya. And…" he hesitates, "I hope you stay."

"Did I hurt anyone?" I'm so ashamed I can't look at him.

He chuckles darkly, "Nah, we're all good here."

"Then why are all the weapons gone?"

"I think you know that, too." He sighs as he shifts from the floor to his feet then reaches a hand down to me, "So you stayin' or what?"

I look from the large green hand outstretched to me and up into his clear green eyes, tears brimming in my own. It's like he’s handing me a new beginning, a chance. "You know if I take your hand, I’ll be able to read you."

He frowns a bit, narrows his eyes and drops his hand back to his side.

"Yeah, I'd like to stay."

**_Raphael_ **

I got Zoe all settled in. I left her my favorite blanket. I hope she likes it, _not that it matters._ She looks like she feels a little better after her shower. I watch as she makes her way through the living area on her way upstairs. Her night clothes are hot as hell, a dark grey tank thing that ends at her mid-thigh and a pair of thick gray socks up to her knees. Notthat I should think like that, because I shouldn't. There’s just enough skin showing to leave plenty for the imagination. I can't help noticing. The thin material skims her body showing off her tiny waist. She has perfect curves in all the right places. Stop it. Just stop. Scents of honeysuckle follow her movements as she towels her shoulder length red waves. She smells so good. She's the most beautiful thing I've laid eyes on and I've saved many women. Hmm, but I never brought one home before. And technically if I was saving her it seems like it’s from herself, not someone else, at least not yet. Something tells me that time will come. It always does. What the hell, bring it.

"Raphael,” Master Splinter calls to me from the kitchen.

"Yes, Sensei,” I answer from my place on the couch. It’s late. Everyone else has gone to bed.

"Would you like some tea?"

Uh-no. Since when have I ever? Damn. He wants to talk now? I roll off the couch and onto my feet then take my place at the kitchen table next to him.

I pick at the corner of my red placemat, the edges are fraying.

"What do you think Zoe should work on first, Raphael?"

I don't know! Can't you just tell me? Ugh. "What do you suggest, Sensei?"

Splinter sips his tea. "Listen to your heart Raphael and you will know." He rises from the table and places his cup in the sink, then smiles as he rests a paw on my shoulder. "Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution."

"Wha-?" I shake my head and lumber my way back to the couch. What does that even mean? Where do I begin? Where do we begin?

(Quote by Deepak Chopra)

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Zoe**

It still seems strange to not wake up in a dorm. Every morning when my mind first stirs to consciousness I expect to see a bunk above me and feel the low thread count sheets scratching my legs, while I wish for the hundredth time that I would be found worthy of a blanket… or a pillow. I have to remind myself that I don’t live in the facility anymore. Then I expect to be in my bed, at my apartment, still on edge, should they find me and attack while I’m asleep. Only this morning, when I stretch my hands over my head and take a deep breath in, the scents surrounding me remind me that I’m not at either of those places.

I’m in Raph's enormous bed, and as I snuggle deeper under the cozy red blanket he's left, while pulling his pillow closer to my cheek, I don’t mind at all, because I feel refreshed. My muscles are slack, and the tingle of frayed nerves is absent. There’s no pain in my chest, no ache to breathe through. I’ve slept well, unguarded for the first time in my life. As I lay there enjoying how soft, albeit threadbare, the sheets are, I think I may have even had a dream or something close to it. I’m not sure, because I’m so used to sleeping with one-eye-open so to speak, tense and ready to react. But here, with my toes scrunching the butter soft fabric between them, I feel a different sensation blooming somewhere inside me, one I don’t have words for. One thing I am sure of, my body knew it could rest, really let go, and here, it would be safe.

I take another huge cat-like stretch and inhale, filling my lungs to capacity. The whole room smells like him, leather, and sweat and cedarwood oil. I've never known anyone's sweat to smell good, but somehow, I feel little thrills run from my head, through my stomach, and into my toes with every inhale.

I feel like I've just closed my eyes again, when there's a soft knock on the door.

"Zoe? It's time to get up."

His voice is one I could wake up to any day, every day. It's deep, smooth, and yet a little gruff. Above all it’s kind. As soon as he finishes speaking, I can’t wait to hear it again.

He cracks the door and peeks in. "Zoe?"

"Oh,” my stomach rolls as I remember what has transpired to bring me here and I wish I could stay in the comfort of his incredibly soft bed a while longer. But I am their guest and I can’t hide in this room forever, besides what if they really can help me? ”Of course, I'll be up and ready in five…” It’s a soldier’s reply. But I’m not supposed to be that anymore. So I give in to the urge to roll around, wrapping his blanket around me, and behave like a bizarre cross of a lazy cat or a flirtatious woman, I’m not entirely sure which but for the moment, neither do I care. ”Oh make that ten. You're bed is soooo comfy."

He's grinning and I feel the heat rush to my cheeks. Damn redhead traits.

"Right. Uh- Can I come in? I need to grab a couple more towels."

"It's your room, of course you can come in." I smile at him and he returns the like, with a somewhat amused expression on his face. The kind that makes you think you might have something in your teeth, and I wonder what I must look like. My hair is probably sticking up in every direction. The no make-up thing is not a big deal, I don't wear much anyway. Usually, a little eyeliner and lip gloss and most days I forget that. Make-up is not, exactly, something I owned before a month ago. Then it occurs to me. It doesn’t matter. Why do I care? I’ve never given it a second thought before. I sit up and shake the vanity from my head. That’s all I need, to transition from a lab rat super-soldier into a superficial snot.    

He slips the rest of the way into the room, closing the door behind him. I notice pearls of sweat covering his shoulders and on his cheeks. Such a human trait, sweating, I’m pretty sure pure turtles don’t. Those tiny beads glisten, even in the low light of his room, clinging to all that taught muscle… No, Zoe!

"What time is it, anyway?" I ask, rolling out of the bed, determined not to let my thoughts stray any further.

"It's almost six,” he says, pulling open the drawer of a pressboard dresser. I notice that several of the knobs are different and one is missing. He tucks two red towels under his arm.

I’m tugging on my pants as he turns around and he tries to look away. My nightshirt covers my butt so I don’t know what he’s embarrassed about. Besides, I had to both get dressed in a dorm, and shower with other soldiers my whole life. Humility over my body is lost on me. It’s just a vessel. Albeit the desire to control what happened to it eventually motivated me to flee the facility, but visually it wasn’t anything I was ashamed of.

I pull my tank over my head and it dawns on me that maybe he’s never seen a naked woman before. It’s rude of me to make him uncomfortable in his own home. I need to be more considerate. "Six AM? You look like you've been up for hours," I say turning my back to his shell as I tug on my sports bra.

"Uh- no its 6 PM,” he says softly. Does he sound nervous?

"WHAT? I never sleep past 6 in the morning… because then I'd miss an-" I stop myself and look around for my second duffle, the heavy one. "Where's my bag?" My clothes bag is there and I know I kept them together on the floor by his bed.

He peeks over his shoulder and looks me up and down before he turns around. "It should be with your otha' one."

I look under the bed and scan the floor. "Raph, it's not here. Where else could it be?"

As Raphael glances over the room, his eyes darken a wild shade of forest green and his mouth forms a teeth baring grimace, then he seems to grow, swelling into yet an even bigger Hulk than what he already resembles. A shadow seems to drape over him when he flings open the door and an enormous roar erupts from him as he storms down the stairs. Dumbstruck by the apparent hair trigger he could be, I follow him, stopping at the top of the steps and already feeling sympathy for whoever it is that has provoked him.

My gaze shifts from the raging Raphael to Leo, who is standing in the middle of the lair with my bag at his feet. My heart plummets because I already know what’s coming. Feeling brutally winded, like I’d just been sucker-punched, I try to figure out just how badly this is going to go. Leo looks right at me with those intense blue eyes and a frown on his face and I know, it’s not something that’s going to smooth over easily.

"LEO! I'm gonna-" Raph growls.

"Hold it Raph. I think Zoe has some explaining to do."

"Her? You went in MY room and took HER bag! What the hell is wrong with you?" Raph growls as he shoves him.

Mike looks up from his video game. Donnie comes out of his lab, and Splinter appears in the kitchen entry.

"Well, we don't know anything about her. You've brought her into our home, and put us all at risk. It doesn't seem like anyone's in a hurry to get her to tell us anything about herself, so I took it upon myself to look into it." Leo dumped out the contents of the bag onto the concrete. Four kakute slid across the floor amid two tessen, a handful of shuriken, a blowgun, two short swords, six daggers, a set of sai, all of my prescriptions and two bags of sharps. "Who the hell are you?" Leo snaps.

My eyes drift from Leo’s accusatory expression, down to the meds which, to me, were the most vital things in that bag…

_“Get up!” he screamed at me. He was so livid at the moment, I thought the red of his face resembled a pimple about to burst, his chilling ice blue eyes might be the pus-filled head. Gross. But I did not flinch. I would not. “Why are you shivering like a scared rabbit? You’re a soldier! You’re team is counting on you! There’s no time for something as pathetic and human as being sick!” His spit sprays across my face in disgusting droplets, but I force myself not to break eye contact. I couldn’t take a beating right now._

_When I don’t move, because I can’t, nothing is functioning as it should, he gets so close to my face I can see the nasty blackheads on his nose. He bares his teeth at me and snarls, “You know what happens to the sickly ones don’t you, Soldier?”_

_My body shakes violently, my skin slick with sweat, crippled by a fever so wicked my eyelids ache, but I dare not look away. My chest constricts and as I struggle for breath his fingers grind into the sinew of my arm and he drags me, limp and useless, my legs sliding across the floor as if they were broken, straight to the infirmary, and I know, if it wasn’t happening to all of us at the same time, I would’ve been rigid with death by the end of the day._

While I hate that they’re fighting, and even more so that I’m the cause, I’m grateful for the sound of a fist thwacking against shell it summons me from my memories. Raphael is attacking his brother and they quickly become a tangled mess of fists and body slams, grunts and snarls, until Splinter yells something in Japanese that breaks them apart. They stand breathing heavily, staring each other down. And it becomes clear to me that they are two alpha personalities and I briefly wonder if they realize it.

Splinter comes to stand over my dumped out duffel. "Leonardo, put our guests medications back in her bag and apologize to her." He looks up at me, "Zoe, the weapons… I ask that you place them in Raphael's care for now, please."

I nod in agreement. Why should they have a crazy woman with access to weapons in their home? Who could blame them?

Raph doesn't move to pick them up.

As expected, Leo doesn’t just let it go, "Someone should look closer at those prescriptions. They are all in different names. Aren't they Zoe, or is it Zaire, or Exodus, or should I go on?"

Raph looks at me.

I know how this must look to them.

"I'm not a user. They're- hell, Donatello help yourself. Please, tell your family what the drugs are and forgive me as I am twelve hours overdue for an injection." I come down the stairs on shaky legs with a beet red face. I pick up the bag of sharps and dig out a vial. "Come here, Don. They will believe you over me. Here."

He comes to my side quickly and takes the bag gingerly from my hand. I hold the vial out for him to examine, "Glucocorticoids, anti-inflammatories, these are immunosuppressants… These are all anti-rejection medications, pain killers and asthmas medications." He taps the two inhalers at the bottom of the bag.

"So, why are they all in different names?" Leo says, somewhat less accusingly.

My muscles are already starting to quiver as I draw up a dose and jab myself in the thigh. I’m cutting it close. Flashing the blue clad turtle a you-don’t-want-to-tangle-with-this glare, I realize I’m making a noise so damn loud it’s filling the lair, and suddenly it’s all I can do to contain the damn animal within. "Because I'm hiding!” I shriek so loud it echoes off the ceilings, mixing with the mortifying feline growl I’m making, and both sounds come rushing back, drilling their way straight into my eardrums. And I’m instantly horrified with my display. I clamp my eyes shut and force a breath out through clenched teeth, struggling to reign myself in, “I stole the drugs from the research lab I broke out of.” I know I have to give them something, they’re letting me stay in their home. But how much will be enough? I opt for the basics and try to clear the lump from my throat before I speak, but my voice is strained as it flows over the damned knot in my throat and my heart is pounding from the effort it takes to suppress my body’s desire to claw the fuck out of Leonardo. No, Zoe. They want to help you. I take another deep breathe. Breathe. Just. Breathe. And slowly I feel my muscles uncoil and with it my shoulders sink, along with my head, my gaze, and my heart. “You’re looking at a completely humiliated, genetically engineered human-animal hybrid. And if you thought being a mutant turtle was tough, at least your DNA isn't at war with itself." I feel the flames rush across my cheeks, "Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to be alone and I'm not sure where to turn."

Raph points back to his room, fire all but burning in his eyes.

"She never questioned who we are or where we are from and you did this. Now you know more about her than she knows about us. Ya happy Leo?" I can hear him snarling as I walk away.


	5. Chapter 5

**Zoe**

I'm so embarrassed. This wouldn't have happened if I'd just been upfront with them. I don't know what I'm doing. I knew this would be hard, that leaving the facility would be hard. But I didn't realize how many problems I'd have before me. The simplest things, the normal things, from grocery shopping, to buying clothes or getting a job, all the time lying and watching my back and trying to control myself… it’s all exhausting.

I lie on Raphael's bed staring at the cracks in the ceiling. Then I wrap myself in his blanket and close my eyes.

I doze off. I don't know how long I sleep before I hear the soft knock on the door.

"Zoe." It’s Leonardo's voice.

Great. Because he's my biggest fan.

"Come in." I sit up on the bed, Raph's blanket wrapped tightly around me.

Leo walks in carrying my bag. He sets it on the floor at my feet and looks me in the eye. "I am sorry. I should've trusted my family to look out for all of our best interests, the way we always do. If I hadn't overreacted, we could've gotten to know you, in your own time, when you were ready. I'm sorry I took that from you."

I actually feel bad for him. The level of shame emanating from his presence even surpasses his sad blue eyes. One thing for sure, he’s honorable enough to admit his mistake and look me in the eye when he does so.

"Leo, I'm a stranger in your home. I get it. I really do. I wish, I was better at explaining myself." I stare at my hands, trying to sort out the mix of emotions and the mess that I’ve made, the mess that I am. I’m both frustrated and embarrassed from my fit. I’m ashamed that I seem to be causing so much trouble. My heart beats in a pathetic rhythm, as my shoulders round and I look to the cup of my hands as if they hold my salvation. I’m… at a loss. "I truly don't know what I'm doing." I look at him and I know he can see my struggle. My mood swings and I straighten myself. While Leo irritates me, I don’t dislike him, but neither do I feel the connection, with him, that I sense with his brother. "I do know that I don't want anything to happen to your family because of me. And forgive me, but there are things about myself that I'm not ready to share with you. Honestly, I'd feel more comfortable talking to your brother about them."

Leo couldn't hide his surprise, "Raph?"

I nodded.

"What is it with you and him?"

"That's between me and him."

"I guess I've given you no reason to trust me and even less so now." Leo frowned.

"Stop being so hard on yourself. Gees, I can feel it all the way over here. Don't brood. Ugh. Come here, show me that you trust me. Trust earns trust." I shove back the blanket and hop off the bed and motion him towards me.

He looks utterly confused, "Okay how do I do that?"

"Give me your hand."

Leo holds out his hand to me and I place mine in his. The familiar thrum of another life force travels up through my fingers, radiating up my arm before it branches out warming my blood with its own current. I sense honor, honesty, pride, arrogance, respect, loyalty, brotherhood, love of family, fear of failure. Leo doesn't yank his hand out of mine the way Raph had.

I’m impressed and don’t hesitate to let him know it. "You already know yourself, and well. So, that's who you are."

 

"You don't need to read me for that, Zoe," he slips his hand from mine. "Just ask."

 

"What do you think of me, now?" I squirm a little and wonder if I have any redeeming qualities that he’s noticed.

 

"Honestly, I think you're trouble." He smiles, "But you're starting to grow on me."

Huh. Maybe I’ll win over the turtle in blue yet.

There’s another soft knock on the door and Donatello peeks his head in the room, his eyes alight with curiosity.

"Donnie, if you touch her, I will break your fingers!" Raph yells from the living area.

Leo looks at me and raises an eye ridge, "Are we good for now?"

"Yeah, Leo. We're good."

Donatello lingers near the door after Leo leaves, "Can I- uh- is now a good- no of course it's not-"

Mikey sticks his head in the door next, "Hey Babe, Master Splinter wants to see you in the dojo. You got a lesson."

"Uh Donnie, can we, talk later maybe?" I ask smiling at him. His interest is innocent, I know he's just curious. Although, I do feel like a scientific discovery for him and that’s a notion I’d like to delay as long as possible.

Raphael appears behind his brothers, "Out, now."

The two younger turtles make themselves scarce.

Raph looks at me, "Sensei wants to see you."

"That's what Mike said," I sweep my hair up into a loose knot on the back of my head and follow Raph to the dojo. I wonder why I’m getting a personal escort until he enters with me and we both kneel before Master Splinter.

Splinter’s gaze travels back and forth between Raph and me, something I’ve noticed him do several times already. His eyes are a shiny black, alight with some thoughts I cannot put my finger on, and I’m disappointed in myself, because I’m usually so good at reading others. I don’t have to wait long to know what’s on his mind.

"Zoe, I have decided that Raphael will give your lessons from now on. He will be your Sensei, your Master. You will learn self-control, trust, and partnership…” Splinter’s furry mouth quirks upward and his whiskers twitch as he adds, in a less serious, almost amused tone, ”among other things I'm sure."

Raphael-will-be-my-new-Sensei, I replay the words in my head, slowly, as if trying to comprehend. I look at the hulking turtle beside me, who I’m sure is capable of mass slaughter based on his size alone, and I wonder what Splinter is doing. Sensei. I remember my last teacher…

_Blackness. I was throwing a punch one second and a fraction later, my world fell into an abyss. As the frozen stones pelted me amid a sea of liquid just shy of becoming the same, I sucked in a rush of air, and sat bolt upright with eyes so wide I could feel the air rushing to the whites of them. Somehow I just barely stopped myself from screaming as the bucket flew at my head.   In that moment, I was grateful for animal instincts so keen I was able to snatch it from the air, cutting it so close the metal handle dangled against my cheek._

_“Get up! Take it like a soldier, Zoe!” he snarled as he kicked the bucket from my grasp sending it bouncing across the snow covered field. My flesh shivered and my muscles seized into tight knots, but I had no time to recover as he sent yet another bucket of frigid water crashing over me. “I said get up! It was just a little punch!” He taunted me with the second empty bucket and hissed, “All you have to do is get the flag, Zoe.” His bitter blue eyes didn’t leave mine and I didn’t need to look to see the flag in the middle of the frozen pond behind him._

_I rolled to my scraped bare knees before springing onto my frostbitten feet, and while the snow only compounded my problems, I was grateful that the spot I was standing on was particularly forgiving, if it had been a hard surface the pain that would jolt through the ice blocks I stood on would be damn near unbearable. On my exhales, my breath rushed out in puffy clouds, and with every inhale, the icy air stabbed at my lungs like a million tiny blades trying to scrape their way out. Steam drifted off my skin in waves, while my wet scraps of clothing did nothing but hinder my movement. Pushing all those distractions aside I managed to gather myself enough to rush-attack him in a series of combination kicks, spins and grabs that left that bucket stuck on his damned head. That flag was mine and I knew he’d be lucky if I didn’t shove it up his nose when I got my hands on it._

"When the teacher is ready, the student will appear,” Splinter says standing before us.

 

His voice pierces through the, literally, chilling nightmare of a memory. And I blink it away, determined to clear my mind and trust my instincts. I don’t sense any of the malice I’d endured for so long there, here.

Splinter rises and walks behind us resting a paw on each of our shoulders. It feels like he’s linking us to one another as an aura of calm washes over me, cleansing away my concerns with his decision, and I’m filled with an understanding, that this relationship, Sensei and pupil, unlike my other, will be honorable and true. I am in good hands, I feel that, I know it in the depths of my heart. I will be safe in this place and, for now at least, I am where I need to be.

"Thank you, Sensei," Raph says quietly and bows.

I bow slightly, too.

Then, Splinter leaves us to face each other.

Raph sits quietly next to me for several minutes. He seems to be in deep thought or unfamiliar territory.

His voice is hoarse with uncertainty as he begins, "Zoe, I think,” he groans a bit, shifting uncomfortably and I sense his struggle for the right words. He collects himself, taking a deep breath, then straightening before he speaks to me in a surprisingly gentle tone, ”we should talk."

I look over at him, finding that he is watching me, his eyes shining with determination. And I know that he’s committed himself to having this discussion, even if it’s difficult for either of us.

"Yes, Sensei?" I smile at him and his face all but lights up. Oh that smile, that unguarded, truly happy, crooked smile. My heart tugs in my chest, and my arms ache to just wrap around and hold him. Big tough, teddy bear, that's what I see. I just want to touch him so badly. Ugh, Zoe stop, you're bad news.

His smile fades too soon and he seems to be putting deep thought in his approach, I can see the trouble in his eyes. "How long were you- in that place?"

I bite my lip and feel the corners of my mouth draw into a deep frown, "My whole life, until a little over a month ago." I feel tears prick my eyes and I rub my hand over my face, looking away from him. "They made me, Raphael. I was supposed to be…” I hesitate and brace myself for him to push me to go on.

But he doesn’t, and feeling relieved that he doesn’t rush me, I close my eyes. Any damn memory could rush back at anytime. That is one of the risks of clearing my head, that was why I practice yoga, that was why I need control so desperately. Clearing my head makes it too easy for that tiny door at the back of my mind to spring open…

 

_The metal was cold against my skin and the room closely resembled a refrigerator, so much so, that while they were strapping me down, I noticed an imprint of condensation appear beneath where my legs pressed against the table. As he tightened the last of the leathers, I lay blinking against the golden halo from the overhead lamp, wondering what they have in store for me._

_“She’s the closest thing we’ve come to an all around perfect specimen. If we can rid her of the DNA rejection, she’s prime for the program. How close are you to a cure?”_

_“Halfway there. Her file says she’s on the lowest dosage of any of them. I have to agree, she’s a prime lab-rat for medical.”_

_“Then do what you’ve got to do.”_

_“Spinal tap it is.”_

Shivering at the thought of what happened next, I look to Raphael’s face to help ground me, and use the realness of him, and the security I sense when with him, to help me slam that little nightmare of a door shut.

He seems to take pity on me. It’s all over his face and I hate it. My gaze shifts to the floor, it makes me sick to see that in anyone’s eyes, let alone have it directed toward me. Pity. I hurt. I’m broken. But from what I can see he isn’t far from there, either.

“S’ fine Zoe,” his voice, albeit a bit gruff, reassures me, “You don’ have ta talk about it, but I think if you tell me as much as you can, I could help you a lot more. Can ya at least tell me why they taught you to fight?”

I press my lips together and try to figure where to begin. How do I explain my life? How can anyone comprehend what I am? Stealing a glance in his direction, I’m struck with the enormity of a giant mutant turtle and what that must mean for him, and I realize he and I are not that different. We were both made. And although it’s for different reasons, we both hide. And that likeness makes it a little easier. If anyone could grasp what I am, it might be him.

With my eyes back on the floor I whisper, “I’m a weapon, a sort of super-soldier really. From the time I could walk, I've been learning to fight."

I swallow hard and hope that’s enough for him, at least for now. The details are too wretched and I just can’t talk about it. Not yet. I bury my face in my hands and wonder, maybe never.

His calloused hand brushes mine, his large fingers gently guiding my palms away from my face. "Look at me, Zoe."

I shamefully peer into his shining green eyes as he takes my hand in his and my throat tightens. He’s giving me his hand, trusting me, asking me, to read him, but at the same time, he speaks his intent to me, so I both hear and feel it. In a quiet tone, that doesn’t seem to match his size or temperament, he slowly and clearly assures me, "You are safe with me. You will always be safe with me. I will not hurt you and you will not hurt me."

His words soothe the permanent ache that had taken up residence in my chest long ago, like balm on a gaping wound. They are a light comfort, a patch up job to keep the car running, so-to-speak. Yet it is all I can do, not to fall apart, because the landscape of my life is shifting when just days ago it seemed irreparable. And I realize he isn’t sure where else to begin but to make me feel safe, and how else to do that, than to just tell me? Tears fill my eyes as I dare hope that I can be saved and I’m filled with the deepest gratitude because he’s willing to try. Yet fear courses through me as my emotional roller coaster plunges and I know that I might hurt him, and even though he’s telling me we won’t hurt one another, he doesn’t sound entirely convinced himself. "How do you know? How can you be sure?" I ask.

He looks into my eyes, still holding my hand and while his skin is leathery and cool against my own, it’s more than enough to let me know I’m not alone, "Honestly, I'm not sure. I just feel it and for now, we're gonna go with that."

He's standing up.

My stomach dips and rallies while my head is swimming amid the urge to panic. What if I do hurt him? What if I black out and go nuts?

And he's talking to me, and I realize I’ve not been listening. I've just been staring at him, struggling with my fears while my heart thumps in my chest like someone pounding on a drum.

Jesus, Zoe, snap out of it!

"Uh- Zoe?" He's gently tugging on my hand. I feel like an idiot as I get to my feet and he leads me to the center of the dojo.

"What are we doing?" Oh God, I’m so nervous I’m questioning my sensei! What has gotten into me? I know better than that. Apparently, he does too because- shit, he's trying to sweep my leg! It's a half-hearted attempt on his part, but he's trying to provoke me. He see's my face and he's grinning. "Hey!"

He shakes his head at me and advances. Oh shit, he's going to attack me, no, no, he is, he is. Damn he's a brute. I duck and spin. Sometimes I hate being small. I have to use his momentum and he's not giving it away. My instincts kick in and my eyes flicker to his utility belt. He's sai-less.

He doesn't miss it and seems to feel compelled to talk to me, "Zoe, you are safe."

"Really, because it seems like my new Sensei wants to fight me ~~."~~ ,” I reply as I dodge his next attack.

"But you are here with me." He cracks his neck and grins, "Are you worried?"

I take a deep breath. I don't know if I trust myself but I feel I can trust him. Even if he is being a smug ass. I want badly to wipe that smirk off his face. He's starting to piss me off. I resist the urge to smack talk my new teacher. Something tells me I'd regret it.

This time, as he advances on me, I'm blocking his punches and another attempt at a leg sweep. I need to distract him, he's making me think. He's bigger than me, so the only way I'm going to get him is if I blindside him and he knows it. He's coming at me a little harder now. Oh shit, he is not trying to kick me in the face! I duck and spin and before I know what I'm doing, I'm launching myself in a spin kick at his face. Is he laughing? He's laughing!

"Come on, Zoe, you're playin with me,” he taunts, blocking me with ease.

"It's not fair for the teacher to taunt the student, if the student can't give it back in fear of repercussion. Besides," I advance on him this time, kick, block his counter, duck, weave, spin, block… I change direction right as he's shifting his weight to block me, sweep and punch! My tiny fist makes contact with his jaw and his head goes back from sheer momentum. "I think it's _you_ , who's playing with me."

He shakes his head and I see a flicker of admiration in his eyes as he steps it up again. Oh no, I don't want either his fist or his foot to make contact. I won't get up from that. What the hell?! He's gotten behind me and swept my leg. I'm on the floor and rolling away and back to my feet. "Yoga is so much more peaceful, can't we just do that?"

He laughs as he beckons me to attack him. I shake my head, "Can't we be done?"

He raises an eye ridge, grins, and curls his finger towards himself urging me again.

What does he want?!

The corners of his mouth spread into a satisfied smile, "Zoe, you're fighting and you're in control."

I gasp as the sensation of an anvil being lifted from my chest spreads over me.

“Oh my God!” I bounce on my feet as it sinks in. He's right. Well sort of- it was more like play- but- I did it! I'm not acting like a crazed killing machine. For the first time in three years, I’m not retreating into myself. There’s not even the threat of a smudge lingering at the edges of my mind, let alone the damn haze.

I watch as he drops his stance and comes to stand next to me, and I realize it’s him. I’ve never felt this comfortable with anyone. What is happening here? He did make it clear that he’s not trying to kill me, maybe that’s it.

As I stand reveling in this huge success that is truly our own I find myself studying the being that has opened this door for me in virtually no time at all. He looks so perfectly happy. Not at all the guarded creature I met just forty eight hours ago and before I can think about what I'm doing, I'm jumping up and wrapping my arms around his neck. He doesn't leave me hanging and hugs me back.

"Thank you."

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Raphael**

It's been a week. We practice three times a day. She's kinda like Leo with her work ethic. She's like a machine. But I'm enjoying this, the role of sensei, every bit as much as I always knew I would. And obviously Master Splinter thought I was worthy of the responsibility or he wouldn’t have given it to me. I’m honored really, that I might be able to help this girl. Woman. And that even my father thought me capable of doing so and so far it seems to be working.

I talk to her the whole time and we always end on a positive note. It goes against my usual goal of winning, but so far I've not felt like we should go there. She's doin’ good, there’s been no fainting, no distance in her eyes. There are moments when she takes a hit that I’ll see a flicker of it, but I’m able to talk her back to me before she slips away. I think she’s happy with the progress too, at least judging from the occasional smirk she shoots in my direction, especially when she knows she’s going to win a round. I can’t help the rush of blood that shoots straight to my tail at thought of that sexy little grin. Shit. No!

Anyway, today I'm thinking she should spar with one of my brothers. Not Leo, I'm going to save him for last. He won't go easy on her and I know I shouldn't, but I want her to feel safe, at least for now. I can't even think about weapons until she gets through the four of us without losing it. I just don't want to rush her.

"Hey Mike, you want to spar with Zoe this morning?" I sit down at the kitchen table with my bowl of cereal.

Mike freezes and looks up at me. He shrugs and scoops a spoonful of cornflakes in his mouth. "Yeah, sure. Why not?"

"Hmm." Leo glances at me but ultimately says nothing.

Donnie has been all but stalking her. He's desperate to ask her a million questions, I'm sure. I've been keeping him away from her for now, but he'll get his chance soon. He seemed like he was pouring over one of his books but he looks up at me, "You should try to get her to eat something."

I look at him, "What?"

"She hasn't eaten in three days. I think I've seen her eat a piece of toast three times since she's been here."

I think back and he's right. I haven't seen her eat anything. Every time we're at the table she's not, she's sleeping or showering. I've only seen her drink water, a lot of it. "What's that about?"

Don's already done his research. "A suppressed appetite is a side effect of some of her medications. But so is hypoglycemia."

"Dumb it down, Don."

"Low blood sugar. Which I'm pretty sure is hitting her full force right now. Have you seen her yet today?"

Mike and Leo are hanging on Don's every word.

Leo stood to put his dishes in the sink. "You know she did seem shaky. She's in the dojo. She was practicing yoga. I did a short work out this morning before breakfast and she came in about the same time I did. I just thought she had something on her mind."

"I saw her, too. That's why I'm bringing it up." Don closes his book.

"Is there anything else I should know?" I feel like an ass. I'm supposed to be her teacher and I'm fucking it up already.

"I won't be able to answer that until she gives me a blood and hair sample,” Don says matter-of-factly.

I growl, "She's not a damn science project, Don."

He shakes his head, "I didn't say she was. I don't think that. It's just if we're going to help her, we need to know more about her."

"Not yet, Don. Just- not yet." I shove my half-eaten cereal aside and try to think. _She can't remember to eat? What the hell?_

"April's bringing us groceries today." Leo hovers around the table for some reason.

"Raph, if she was raised in a lab, she was probably treated less like a human and more like an-" Don swallowed, "animal. She was probably fed at certain times of day. She was probably told what she was doing and when. If she's never decided those things for herself before…"

"I'm gonna have to teach her." I stare at the table. This is unreal.

"Uh-dude. If you're gonna do that, you're gonna have to be cool about it. If you come right at her, you’re either gonna hurt or embarrass her or… piss her off,” Mike says between slurping up the milk from his cereal bowl.

Sometimes, my baby brother actually gives decent advice. An idea, hopefully not stupid, pops in my head.

"Okay, new plan. Mike you're up. You and Zoe all day, food and r & r."

Mike is grinning from ear to ear, "I'm on it, bro."

I look at him and I'm hoping this isn't a mistake. But eating and playing are right up Mike's alley.

"We have patrol tonight,” Leo reminds me.

I haven't talked to Zoe about me leaving her for the night yet. _Not that I'm asking, it just seems like the right thing to do since she's my guest and all._

I nod.

"Can we leave the lair?" Mike asks me.

"No." I answer before I've even thought about it.

Mike frowns, "Some fresh air would do her good."

"We don't know who's after her. Whoever they are, they put the Foot on her tail. It's best to keep her down here for now,” Leo agrees with me.

"You can't keep her down here forever,” Mike whispers.

"That's enough Mike. We'll get to that." I stand up and clear my breakfast from the table. "I'm gonna go talk to Zoe."

"Mike, when Raph comes out maybe you can take her a soda. Get her to sip it and then get her to eat. After that, judge her movements and if you think she's up to it, you can do whatever you have in mind." Don stands up to clear his space at the table.

"But keep your mitts off her,” I snap.

"I think we're all pretty clear on that stand point, Raph,” Leo says coolly.

"What's that supposed ta mean?" I glare at him.

"Come on Raph-" Leo grins at me.

"Back off Leo," I get in his face and lean into him, "Don't. Just don't." I shake my head and shove by him.

I'm standing in the dojo with my baby brother bouncing eagerly behind me. I raise my hand at him and stills. She's on her yoga mat and I can see Don's right. She's moving through her poses but she's even paler than usual, if that's even possible. Her skin already looks like it's barely ever seen daylight. Her hands are trembling and her movements are jerky. She looks to be struggling with very easy poses. I wouldn't have missed this, even if I did miss her not eating. I wouldn't have known _what_ was wrong but I would definitely know _something_ was. I feel a little better about that.

When I enter the dojo, she immediately stops and starts rolling up her mat. She's a good student. She never complains about her work, even when it's hard for her. She's always ready, if not eager, for it.

"Hey. I've got some stuff I need to take care of today. So you're gonna spend the day with Mike." I have to admit that flicker of disappointment in her eyes matches how I feel. It's probably good that she spends time with my brothers. I know I'm getting attached to her and I shouldn't. This won't last. She won't be here with me forever. Yeah, this is for the best. I need to get away and clear my head.

She stares at me and she looks like she wants to argue, but I know that in the dojo she will do whatever I ask of her.

"Yes, Sensei,” she finally answers me.

I nod and leave quickly before I change my mind.

**Zoe**

Great. He just passed me off. I was looking forward to this morning's workout. _Really Zoe, or were you just eager to be near him?_ _Ugh. He's probably right._ I need some time apart from him. I'm getting emotional about him and that would end badly. _I mean… I don't know what I mean. I wish these damn tremors would stop._ It's so hard to focus when I get like this.

"Hey Babe, looks like it's you and me today." Mike bounds into the dojo and I can't help but smile. He holds out a can of Coke to me.

I think about refusing. I hate syrupy drinks. I prefer to drink water and put good things in my body. But he's looking at me with that sweet boyish grin and those beautiful baby blue eyes. I take the drink from him and sip it.

"All right Mikey, what's on the agenda?"

"I feel like having a snack and then I was thinking we'd watch a movie, play some games-"

"We're not leaving the lair are we,” I say matter-of-factly.

"Nope, Boss says no,” Mike blurts out. His eyes widen, "Oh, that came out all wrong!"

I raise my eyebrows and cross my arms. " _Does_ he now?" So he thinks he’s in control of my life now does he?

"Oh- but April's coming today and Karai's gonna come by later. I thought we could all watch movies together. You'll love them." Mike is trying to stay in front of me. Every time I step around him he steps back in front of me.

"I'm sure I will. It'd be nice to have some other girls around. But first-" I take a swig of the soda and I'm feeling a little stronger. I set it on the floor, then, while crouched down, I spin around and sweep Mike's feet right out from under him. I feel a little bad about it, but he's not going to stand in my way and his brother’s not going to tell me what to do.

I'm out the door and I hear him, "Not cool Z, not cool."

I storm into the living area and I don't see him. Don sticks his head out of the lab as I rush by the door. I don’t realize I’m growling, well I sound more like a pissed off cat, until I see Leo come sprinting out of the kitchen. I make a conscious effort to quit making the damn reflex of a noise. _Freaking cat genes._

"You okay, Zoe?" Leo asks, eyeing me suspiciously.

" _Where_ is he?" I snap, my eyes still scanning the room.

"Who?" Leo can be such a smart ass. It irritates me to no end that he is so meticulously detailed that I have to explain everything very carefully. If I skim over the details he'll make me say them one way or the other.

I clench my teeth, close my eyes, count to ten and hiss, " _Where_ is Raphael?"

Mike appears by my side and is rubbing his elbow. He must've landed on it when he hit the ground. "Zoe, that was not cool."

I shake my head. "Leo, where is _he_?"

"I think he's in the shower." Leo's answering me but he's looking at Mike. Some silent conversation taking place between them only fuels my fire. It’s one thing for him to tell me what to do in the dojo but quite another for him to think he can control my life outside of it. Boss, my ass. I’ll go where I want, when I want, and I don’t need permission from him to do it.

I storm off towards the bathroom and find the door locked, steam rolling from beneath it. Well, Leo and Mike are in the living area, Don's in the doorway of the lab gawking at me and Splinter doesn't take hot showers. I run a few steps, jump up, kick the door and it flies open.

"What the-" Raphael jumps so high he hits his head on the shower curtain rail. On his way back down he grabs it and it snaps beneath his weight. He lands on his shell in the bathtub, shower curtain completely twisted around him. He looks at me and the shock on his face is priceless.

"Raphael, Mike and I are going out today."

I've caught this massive, powerful ninja, _completely_ off guard. He stares at me a minute, obviously still trying to figure out what just happened. "Oookay,” he nods.

I turn on my heel and grab Mike’s arm, "Come on, Mike. Sorry about the door, Donnie."

Donatello nods, his mouth hanging open.

Leo’s grinning from ear to ear.

**Michelangelo**

Wow. Just. Wow. _Wow._ "So – yeah – _that_ just happened."

Whoa, she's pissed.

We make it just outside the lair before she freezes.

"Uh-Mike," She's breathing really fast. "I- I'm claustrophobic and I haven't left the lair since we got here."

I smile at her, "Uh- yeah and its 7:30 in the morning, Babe. We can't go anywhere till it gets dark."

She closes her eyes and turns an interesting shade of red, "I'm gonna have to go back in there and face him, aren't I?"

"Fraid so."

I don't really get a chance to try and coax her back in because my brother just flung the door open, and yeah, she's in deep shit.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Zoe**

_Damn. Damn. Damn. Oh he is pissed._

"Mike-" he snaps.

"I'm out," Michelangelo ducks around him and makes his-self scarce.

He's glowering.

Suddenly, he takes two steps toward me, reaches out his massive arms and throws me over his shoulder.

"Raphael, you put me down! Right now!" I smack his shell and he doesn't miss a step. What? So not only are you going to _try_ and tell me where I can go outside of the dojo, but now you’re just going to pick me up and put me where you want me? No fucking way! I’m in charge of me, not you!  

He doesn't stop until we reach the dojo and he drops me on my ass in the middle of it.

He stands over me with his arms crossed, staring at me.

I move to get to my feet and he shakes his head.

"You wouldn't,” I snap at him.

He raises an eye ridge.

He would. He _so_ would. As a matter of fact, I think he's hoping I _will_ make a move.

I'm staring at him and the word ‘Boss’ rings through my head like a fucking alarm. And he's staring at me like I’m a disobedient child. So you brought me to the dojo, huh? Like because you’re my Sensei I’m going to obey you, in here, about something that happened _outside_ of this room? Well I’ve got news for you on that front.

"Fuck you, Raph,” I hiss.

He lifts his chin and clenches his teeth.

I bend my knees to get to my feet and their swept out from under me before I've even lifted my butt off the floor. When I look back up at him, he's standing, arms crossed, teeth clenched like he never moved.

I shake my head.

He tilts his head and tiny wrinkles flicker at the corners of his eyes.

_Fucker is waiting for me to move._

Fine Big Guy, _let's go._

I bring my feet in towards my belly acting as if I'm going to curl up and wrap my arms around my legs but instead I roll backwards, pass through a handstand and right as my feet hit the floor, he's sweeping them out from beneath me. And I'm on my butt, _again._

I hear a low growling noise and I realize it's coming from me. I stop.

He's not moving, arms crossed, watching…waiting.

This time, I try scooting farther away from him, but he steps toward me for every scoot I get away. He's not going to let me have enough distance to make a move that can get me on my feet.

I've got no momentum. I've got no distraction. I've got no distance. I glance around the room to see if there's anything that can help me. There's a foot stool against the wall not far from where I am. It's about five feet behind me. I don't want him to know what I'm going for, so I try to let my eyes linger on the short set of barbells next to it.

He looks at me, disbelieving.

I scoot back towards the barbells and at the last minute, I grab them and fling them past his hip to his left. It just barely misses him and he reaches out a hand to grab it easily. Next, I grab the stool and launch it past his head to the right. I use those few seconds to pop to my feet. He moves to attack and I move to his left quickly, ducking around and coming up behind him. He spins around and is closing the space between us. I have to keep him back, if he gets his hands on me, it's over. He growls at me, lunges, and moves to sweep my feet. I flip away from him and he's coming at me like a freight train, block, kick, spin, duck, weave, duck, block, block, block. _You know what, fuck you!_ Now it's my turn and I'm pulling out combos and he's blocking me easily.

Damn tremors are back and I'm getting shaky on my feet. I know I'm moving slower than usual and he's taking advantage of it. He's not talking to me and I think that in itself is a distraction. He's watching me and I'm watching him. _Fuck, he's coming again._ I'm getting tired and I'm pissed about it. I flip backwards out of his way and right as my feet, hit I bounce up in the air and kick out towards his shoulder. Right as my foot makes contact, his hand is there wrapping around my ankle throwing me up even higher. Then he snatches me right out of the air, one hand on each of my arms, pulls me close and looks me in the eye.

"Knock it off,” his voice bites into me.

"Put. Me. Down."

"No." He stares at me and there's a heat in his eyes that burns into mine.

"Now."

"No."

"Suit yourself,” I snap. I fling my dangling feet toward him and shoving them into his plastron, pushing us both apart.

He takes two steps back. I somersault and land on my feet. In a second, he's lifting me by arms and shoving me into the wall behind us. He never hurts me and I'm aware of his conscious effort not to, even as mad as he is.

" _You're_ pissing me off,” he growls, his voice thick with frustration. He's breathing hard as he leans into me, and I feel the air between us ignite.

"And you're pissing _me_ off,” I repeat back to him, shoving my face back in his.

I'm gazing into his eyes and he’s trapped in mine, and the world seems to fall away, as our lips crash together in a fumbling frenzy of anger, need, and frustration. I’m delighted to find his thick green lips are softer than I imagined they’d be, although it’s a bit awkward as we work out the difference in the size of our mouths. His is bigger, as is everything else about him, and I work in a sweeping rhythm, determined to feel the impression of his entire mouth on mine. I taste something sweet on his lips, like oranges, and tentatively brush my tongue across them to confirm my suspicion. He replies with a sly search of his own and I slide my small tongue across his larger, surprisingly very smooth one. Gods, he tastes so good! I tip my head back a bit, teasing him, and he growls. The sound sends a thrill straight to my pelvis and I struggle to get closer to him. One of his hands moves to my ass and he shoves me into the wall more. He's pushing against me, his unforgiving plastron is mashing against my breasts and I realize he’s fully aware of this, lest he’d crush me. I resent how much he must be holding back and wrap my hands around his head and pull him deeper into our kiss, closer, and now our bodies are moving against each other, never joining, but as I feel his tail pressing against the crotch of my pants I know we’re both aching to. His eyes never leave mine, closing briefly between kisses. He pulls back suddenly, resting his forehead against mine, panting. He closes his eyes, "Damn it Zoe, you're killin' me."

I tilt my head sideways, my mouth seeking his. He responds and we start all over again. It's not long before he pulls back and looks away. He's breathing deeply. I feel his frustration and sense he's engaging in a silent battle with himself. My heart sinks when he takes a step back and lowers me to my feet.

When I look up, he's walking out the door and I hear the lair entry door slamming shut behind him.

What did we just do? I slide to the floor and run my fingers over my lips, still raw with the feel and taste of him, and I catch the scent of cedarwood oil on my skin. The aroma mingles with the flavor, overwhelming my senses, and I bite my lip, while my toes are curling, for want of more. Unbidden tears invade my emotions in a great swell as I realize what has transpired. Oh, God, we’ve ruined everything! Now it will be awkward, or worse he’ll want me to leave. As I take a deep calming breath, I realize his rock hard plastron has left my ribcage slightly tender, yet somehow I feel bare without it against me. I consider this newfound vulnerability for a moment. It’s as if he’s a wall of armor sheltering me and my heart rallies at the thought and feel of it. My body is shaking as if suffering a brutal withdraw, tears slipping away in a freefall, and I’m left feeling as if something I desperately need is being kept from me.

Michelangelo appears by my side and wraps a large arm around me, pulling me close. I lean my head against his shoulder, weeping from somewhere deep inside me that I never knew was there, and he lets me cry until I'm done.

"I've got to make lunch. Wanna help me?" he says, finally, in his sweet voice.

I nod and he helps me to my feet.

"April and Karai are here. I want you to meet them." He rests a gentle hand on my back and guides me to the kitchen.

**Raphael**

Well, I fucked that all up. Damn. Damn. "DAMN!" It's the middle of the damn day. _I need to get away from her or I'm going to take her to my room and…_ _I can't think like this. Stop. But I want to… Stop. You can't do this. You can't have this. So just stop._

I scream, pacing a sewer tunnel not far from the lair.

I'm supposed to be her teacher. I can't walk out on her. I have to go back and make this right. _Or you could make it worse, dumbass._

What the hell possessed her to break down the damn bathroom door? _I've not been caught that off guard, since, since… well ever!_ When I left she was fine. I don't get what made her so mad?

She wants to leave the lair? Right, because that's a brilliant idea, when the Foot and some mad scientist are after you.

And then, and then, she couldn't just sit there and let me figure out what to do with her. She has to challenge me, _she's always challenging me_.

And what student disrespects their Sensei the way she did to me? She was so determined, and pissed, she was _so_ pissed and it fucking turned me on. I didn't expect that. The more she fought with me, the more I wanted her. _What am I doing? What did I do? God, I want her. I want her._ And I can't have her. I can't let myself go that far. I can't. _But I want to._ Those stormy eyes of hers, steely when she's mad, that mouth oh how good she felt. My damn heart won't stop pounding. _If I don't find an outlet…_

**Zoe**

I have to put him out of my head, at least for now.

Mike's a good cook. He's showing me how to make spaghetti. I've never had to cook before but it seems easy enough. I munch on an apple and some cheese slices he asked me to arrange on a plate.

April and Karai seem nice. Karai has a lot of attitude, I like that. April's really friendly and a redhead too, so we hit it off pretty quick. Both women are kunoichi. April's apparently dating Donatello and Karai is with Leonardo. April's a reporter and Karai won't say what it is that she does. The two women share a three bedroom apartment. They both seemed to really have it together.

"So Zoe, Mike said you might be interested in getting out tonight?" Karai raises a dark eyebrow and slides an apple slice in her mouth.

The lair door opens and Raphael walks up the stairs to his room, shutting the door behind him. _Great, now what if I need something?_ I look away from his door and back to Karai, "Yeah, I need to get out, but I'm not a crowd person. What'd you have in mind?"

"Yeah, me either…" She grabs my arm and leads me away from Mike's earshot. He's stirring the noodles but keeps looking in our direction. He seems concerned.

April and Don are pouring over a book and chatting about something at the table. I notice Don look over at us. April looks at Don then over in our direction.

"Why don't you come back to our place and we can just wing it?" She glances sideways at Donatello.

I'm not sure what she's so secretive about and I'm getting a bad feeling about it. _Still,_ I want to get out, just to let Raph know, I’m in charge of me.

"Mike, how do you feel about watching movies at April and Karai's place tonight?" I ask from where Karai and I are standing.

He seems relieved, "Sure thing, Babe. But I have to be back here by 9:30, we've got patrol tonight."

I'm not going to question what patrol is, as Raph hasn't explained it to me yet. Maybe it involves climbing rooftops to watch women do yoga. That would explain how I ended up here. _Somewhat._

I look at Karai and she whispers, "We can do whatever we decide after he heads out."

_What is she up to?_

"Why doesn't Zoe just spend the night at our place, April?" Karai walks back over to the others as Leo emerges from his room for lunch.

"Sure,” April shrugs.

"Lunch is ready." Mike begins setting plates piled high with noodles and red sauce in front of everyone.

I'm not really hungry now. I've eaten an apple and several slices of cheese. I should be good until dinner. He points to Raph's chair and sets a plate at it, "You sit here, Zoe."

"Shouldn't someone go tell Raph that lunch is ready?" I ask standing by his seat at the table.

Everyone looks at me.

"What?" Don, Mike and Leo say in unison.

"Didn't you just have it out with him?" April asks.

"Did you really break down the bathroom door while he was in the shower this morning?" Karai chuckled and Leo shot her a look.

I'm blushing. I can feel the heat burning my cheeks.

"We had a disagreement, sort of." We had _something. Wait, do we have something?_

"Well, I'm not going anywhere near him when he's like this." April shakes her head and twirls her fork in her pasta.

Everyone nods in agreement.

I glance up at his door. "Well, I'm going to go find out if he wants lunch."

"Aren't you mad at him?" Karai asks.

Leo clears his throat and she makes a face at him.

"No. He didn't really do anything wrong. It was me."

I walk upstairs and find myself standing outside his door before I realize what I’m doing. I listen for a moment. The punching bag in the back corner of his room was taking a beating. I glance in my peripheral at his family eating lunch at the table. Splinter has joined them. And all of them, except for Splinter are watching me. I take a deep breath and turn the knob.

The second I step into his room he stops, looks at me, then resumes a more half-hearted attack on the bag. My heart skips a beat and I think my knees just melted into slush. I've been able to function normally around him until this moment, and now, as my lips tingle remembering the feel of him… What, I’ve gone all school-girl crush? I rub my face and sigh. We’ve ruined everything, I just know it. _Is he ignoring me? I don't think he is. Is he?_ I sit on the edge of his bed and watch him.

"Raph?"

He stills.

"I'm sorry."

He stands there staring at me, "For what?"

"For not knocking just now, for breaking down the bathroom door, for swearing at you… take your pick." I feel the heat rush to my cheeks under his gaze, and saying everything I’ve done out loud, makes me realize just how horrible I’ve been.

He takes a tentative step towards me. "Right now this rooms as much yours as it is mine. You don't havta' knock."

 _It can't be that easy?_ "You always knock,” I remind him.

"I'm just bein' polite. Ya know, in case you’re-" he moved his hand towards me, "Ya know."

I nod. "I should extend the same courtesy to you. And I will from now on, I was trying to escape the audience at the lunch table."

_Why does it feel so hot in here?_

"So, what about the bathroom door? What was that about?" He takes another step towards me and there it is again, a force between us. The pull is magnetic. It’s everything I can do not to jump on him. My stomach twists into fluttery knots. _Jesus Zoe, it was two steps._

I bite my lip and scoot down to make room for him on the bed next to me. He looks at me for a minute and I glance from him to the spot and back to him. I watch him hold some internal debate for all of five seconds, before he lowers his huge frame down to sit next to me.

"I overreacted. I'm not sure why. I think it was the way Mike said it, when he told me we weren't leaving the lair."

Raph huffs, "Figures it would have to do with Mike."

"Don't be mad at him. I could tell he was sorry. I think it just came out wrong, or I took it wrong. It was my fault. I don't know what got into me. I just- it's like I didn't want to be told what to do with myself outside of the dojo. The whole reason I escaped the facility was because I wanted to be free. I wanted to make decisions for myself."

We are both staring at the floor. _It's like we're doing a dance around what we really need to talk about._

"I get it. But did you have to break down the door? You couldn't wait ta talk to me?"

I laugh and his head snaps up.

"What? What're you laughin' at?" He rubs the back of his head.

I laugh again, "You should've seen your face!"

His expression tightens, "Stop it, Zoe. It's not funny."

I nod and try to stop, "No you're right, what I did _was_ wrong." Then I giggle, "But your face _was_ funny."

His eye ridges rise, "You know you're going to pay for that, right?"

I stop laughing, "What, literally? Fine, I have a little saved up. It should cover a door."

He shakes his head, "Uh no, uh-uh. I will get you back. It's on."

"Is it, now?" I find myself looking a little too long in his eyes. I can see him thinking the same thing I am and we both look away.

_Maybe we are just going to forget that it happened. That would be easiest for us both, right?_

"About what happened in the dojo," he whispers, looking at the floor.

"I'm sorry I cussed at you. It was disrespectful and wrong. I should've stayed on the floor and waited for you to decide what we should do. I'm ready to accept whatever discipline you choose,” I apologize clearly. It _was_ wrong. I was out of line. My behavior today, _was_ awful.

"True. But that's not what I'm talkin' about." He rubs his eyes and sighs.

"We don't have to talk about it," I whisper. "It happened. We can get over it."

I wait for his reaction. He looks as sad as I feel and it's awful but I'm glad. I don't want to be alone in fear of nothing coming of this. _Is that how I feel?_ _It is._ _I want him. I need him. I barely know him! Don't I?_ I feel a lump in my throat as I wait for him to make the next move.

"Is that what you want?"

_NO! I want you. I want all of you, right here, right now. I want you so bad it hurts. But your my Sensei, surely that can't be right. But kissing you, that felt right. Your touch is the most right anything has ever felt._

"It's probably for the best. Don't you think?" _WHAT AM I SAYING?_

"Yeah," he nods as he stands up.

My hand darts out and grabs his, tugging him back toward me, "Raph."

Thank God my reflexes, _my body_ , is smarter and faster than my brain. The second our hands touch, he reacts.

"Fuck it,” he mutters as he spins around, wrapping his arms around me, his lips on mine. My heart is beating so hard I think it will burst. My hands are around the back of his head, pulling him to me. There's a passionate frenzy of tongues and hands and lust. He lifts me up with one arm around my waist, the other hand buried in my hair, pulling me closer to him. I feel him lower me back onto his bed. He rises up onto his forearms supporting his full weight off me. There's a wave of emotion building inside me and its reaching for him. He feels like he's pulling away from me and if I don't get him closer, I think I might cry. He slows his kiss and I'm scared he's going to stop, but he moves to my cheek and his lips are pressed against my ear. "We shouldn't do this." I can feel him willing himself to stop, but the vibrato in his voice sends little tremors through my body and we kiss again, only softer, gentler. My lips burn beneath his, aching for that roughness from moments ago, but savoring any touch he grants me.

"Do you want me?" I whisper into his neck.

"You have no idea." He pulls back and looks into my eyes, his green gems glistening with unspoken thoughts. I suddenly feel like he's searching my soul. He's at war with himself and he's stopped moving as he's looking at me, or _into_ me.

"Are you going to leave again?" I ask, searching him for the answer. I move my hand from where it rested on the back of his mask, sliding my fingers down to stroke his cheek.

He closes his eyes and takes in a breath as my fingertips brush his skin. I run my fingers along the scar over his lip, then slide my hand back up and tug lightly on his bandana, sliding my fingers to the end of the fraying crimson fabric. He opens his eyes and flashes me that grin of his. Oh the _hope_ in those eyes, the _light_ , the _honor_.

His grin fades, replaced with a sadness that tugs at my heart. "Zoe, when this ends… anyway I play it out it's going to hurt one or both of us and I don't know if I want to risk that."

"We haven't even begun and you're already planning how it will end?" The corners of my mouth turn down and I shake my head.

He looks at me, my words not lost on him.

"I'm a turtle and you're a human."

I shake my head, "I _look_ human, Raphael. Inside I'm a genetic mess."

"Zoe, you can have a normal life-"

"As if I'd even _know_ what that is," I scoff at him and put my hand on his plastron pushing him away. He doesn't resist, sitting up and watching me. I get off the bed and stand over him for once.

"You can be such a presumptuous ass, Raphael. You're deciding my future for me. Did you not _hear_ why I broke down the door? Freedom to _choose._ To choose _what_ I want, _when_ I want it, _where_ and _why_ and damn it, _who. Who it is that I'm wanting_. You big bear, I'm telling you _I want you_. You. It's not like I can't see you. It's not like there are worse things running in your veins than there is mine. I don't care _what_ you are. I'm crazy about _who_ you are."

He pulls me to him, his lips are on mine again and somehow he's balancing tenderness and aggression and marrying them together in perfect harmony. He stops abruptly and looks at me. _Here we go again._

Now I'm horny _and_ irritated, " _What?_ What is it now, Raph?"

He looks really nervous, "Aaa are you… have you… uh-"

"Oh, are you trying to ask me if I'm a virgin?" I like being so blunt with him. It's totally his M.O., that is, unless it's new territory for him. Anyway, from what I can, tell he respects that directness in others.

"Yyeah…" He's eyeing me carefully.

"Why Raphael, are _you_ a virgin? I know you're an honorable turtle and would never lie to a lady."

"Your askin' for it."

I love that glint in his eye, I think maybe I _am_ asking for it.

"Is that so?" I grin at him.

"You didn't answer my question." He pulls me to sit upright and he's being serious.

"No sir, _you_ didn't ask a complete question. _I did_ and _you_ didn't answer mine. But I'm not ashamed. I've been in a lab my entire life. No one has sex there unless they want you to. And no-" Memories of what was coming for me when I fled the lab rush back. "I got out in time. I'm untouched and damn glad."

He stares at me, "I would never use you, Zoe. I want to do this. I do. God, I do. But I think-"

"We should wait. We barely know each other." I interrupt him. _I'm not sure I like where this is going._ It's not like I planned on busting out of a lab and hoping in to bed with the first male that came along.

"Stop interruptin’ me."

I should stop, but he is going to reject me, I feel it, and I _can't_ stop running my mouth. Embarrassed at the thought of him turning me away, and searching for some way to gain the upper hand, I stand up again and sass him, "I tell you what. You're right. I've disrespected you enough for one day. I'm not going to throw myself at you, too."

He rolls his eyes and with one quick movement, he's got me in a gentle but firm grasp, dangling in the air, eye to eye with him. "Stop talkin'."

I stare at him. He looks on me with an intensity that wasn’t there before what happened in the dojo, and my core clenches at sight of it.

"Jesus woman, you are gonna drive me nuts. We're gonna do this right. And I don't think that's right now. I can't believe _I'm_ sayin this but _you_ need to be patient." He lowers me back to my feet and lets me go. He's staring at me. "Well?"

I raise my eyebrows, "You told me to stop talking."

He shakes his head. "Zoe."

"Look Raph, I spent my whole life in a lab. If you say we wait, we wait. I'm not sure what’s going to happen that will indicate the waiting period is over, but I trust you."

He seems satisfied and sighs in relief.

"But I _am_ going out with April and Karai tonight."

And he's all tensed up again.

"I wish you wouldn't. It's a bad idea, Z." He's towering over me, and trying not to tell me that I can't go, but he wants to. He opens and closes his mouth then presses his lips flat as though he's biting his tongue.

I step up on his bed so I'm looking him in the eye, and cross my arms.

He's not amused.

"Lighten up, Big Guy. I need to have some fun. I kept myself safe for a solid month before I met you and I recall taking care of myself the night you brought me here."

"I recall a lot of bloodshed." He crosses his arms over his plastron. "You're not ready. Are you sure you want to risk it?"

"You know what, Raph, you sound like Leo. And you might even be right, but I need a little _space_ from you, since we're waiting and all."

He clenches his teeth. "I'm going out tonight on patrol, so I won't be here and you can have your _space._ "

"It's _one_ night, Raphael. What can happen in one night?"

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

**_Zoe_ **

_Raph was right._

_I’m not ready._

_This sucks. I think._

A blade flies by my head landing into the brick wall behind me.

_Yeah, it sucks._

Everything was fine for the whole pizza and a movie part of the night. Except for when everyone looked at me, like I’d sprouted horns, because I kept yelling at the main character that she should stop running like a coward and save herself. I mean, who the heck runs around expecting someone to save them? In real life, you have to save yourself. Then this guy, who was supposed to be the hero, engages in the worst fight I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean, he clearly wasn’t hitting anything. Michelangelo couldn’t stop laughing, which I didn’t understand because the fight scene was dramatic, not funny. Then when Karai explained that it’s all staged, for entertainment, I realized Mikey was laughing at _me_. While I wrapped my head around the staged fighting, and felt, well, really stupid, I also enjoyed the overall experience itself. April and Karai’s couch was softer than the one forged out of pizza boxes at the lair, and I had snuggled up to a throw pillow and enjoyed feeling my muscles go slack as I sank into the cushions. At some point, Mikey brought a bowl of heavily buttered popcorn to the glass-top coffee table and we munched on that. I did throw a handful at him when he poked fun at me when the next fight scene started, which led to a greasy popcorn fight that was delightful while it lasted. Cleaning up the aftermath was not as pleasant.

But then Mike left for patrol. April had to work in the morning and went to bed. And Karai suggested leaving the apartment. I soon learned that her idea of fun was just short of walking in dark alleys, looking for trouble.

" _Come on, Zoe. Let's go to this little dive down the street. We can get a couple drinks and be back before you know it." Karai pops out a tube of scarlet colored lipstick and swipes it over her mouth._

" _Okay,” I shrug._

_She looks at my pale blue tank top, black yoga pants, and my make-up less face. "You've got to get dressed first." She shakes her head._

_I eye her black skinny jeans and fitted black crop top, her multiple piercings and black hair, bleached blonde on the bottom. Yeah, she needs to tell me how to dress._

" _I'm fine, Karai."_

_She rolls her brown eyes, "Oh, come on. You're supposed to be having fun. Here, use April's make up, you wear the same colors."_

_She grabs my arm and drags me down the hallway to the bathroom, thrusting April's make up bag into my chest. She disappears into her room and comes back with a black slip dress and a pair of black stiletto's._

_"Okay, Karai, I'm sorry, but I'm not wearing that. I don't like fighting in heels."_

" _Put it on and quit complaining." She hangs the dress on the bathroom door and drops the shoes on the floor._

_I want to make friends. I want to be a regular girl, who goes out and does whatever it is that they do. And maybe I’ll get to find out what that is, if I don’t punch Karai in her nose first. If having girlfriends means they’ll be ordering me around, well that’s just not going to fly._

_I glare at my new, could-be friend, hoping that she doesn’t continue to provoke me, and I try to explain to her,_ " _Karai, if anything should happen, I don't want to fight in a damn dress."_

" _Zoe, you're not going to get in a fight every time you go out." She shakes her head and disappears into the living room._

_Well that would be close to a first for me, and I really should be prepared to fight at all times. But it would be liberating to just let go, to be normal for once. I mean it’s just one night. Surely, she’s right and we’ll have a good time. My stomach swirls with butterflies and I’m not sure if it’s excitement or impending doom. Reluctantly, I swipe on some eyeliner, mascara, and lip gloss. I tuck my pants and tank into the black purse April gave to me, just in case I change my mind. It was really sweet of April to give me the purse. She really made me feel welcome. I slipped into the dress and shoes against my better judgment._

" _Whoa, girl you look hot,” Karai flashes me her wicked smile._

_When I smile back at her, there’s a glimmer of mischief in her light brown eyes that sends a shiver up my spine, and I get the strangest feeling that she and I are going to get into a lot of trouble together. “Thanks,” I tell her, deciding, despite the lingering red warning lights hovering around the edges of my conscience, to commit myself to let her lead this experience. Straightening myself, I tug on the hem of the dress, making sure my ass is covered, then I lift my chin and take a deep breath. I just want to forget my past and what I am, if only for one night. And she’s all I’ve got to show me the way. What’s the worst that could happen? “So where's this place at?"_

_Ten minutes later, I’m having doubts about my decision, we've made it down the street three blocks and I notice it's getting a little more crowded than I like. I'm getting a lot of catcalls and I don't care for the attention. "I thought you said this place wasn't crowded."_

_Karai grinned, "I may have lied."_

" _Karai, I don't do crowds." I'm getting bumped and I'm pretty sure someone just tried to grab my ass. My blood heats up._

" _Come on, just a couple drinks and we're out." Karai grabs my arm and drags me into a line._

" _Karai, this place is packed with people." I shake my head and try to get out of line, but she has her hand firmly around my wrist and is waving at the door guy. My senses are on edge and I struggle with myself because I want an experience, but this whole environment has me feeling like I’m surrounded with potential threats. The only time I’ve ever had this many people around me at once, I was fighting them all. That’s not what this is. This is supposed to be fun. Now breathe. Just. Breathe. The guard nods like he knows Karai and waves us in, opening the tape._

_Inside, it is dark and the music is loud. Karai lets go of my wrist and gestures for me to follow her._

" _What do you drink?" she yells over the music._

" _Water," I answer her._

" _Yeah, right." She goes over to the bar and comes back with two drinks._

_I take a sip and taste the unpleasant smelling amber colored liquid. It’s worse than the most terrible tasting medicine I’ve ever had to swallow, and it burns horribly on its way down. I think for a second I may gag when it hits my stomach. At first_ _,_ _I wonder why anyone would even want to drink this, but seconds later a nice heat radiates throughout my bloodstream, and I like it. A lot. But, ugh, if a person's going to drink this they need to chug it and just get it over with. So I do. I hand her back the empty glass._

" _OOOOkkkay. Let's hope you're not a lightweight."_

" _No, I usually fight with others outside my weight class,” I reply, watching Karai blink incredulously, and I wonder if I’ve said something stupid again._

" _You are a strange girl Zoe." Karai grins, "I like it. Come on let's dance."_

_Three drinks later I’m all tingly and lightheaded and we’re dancing together. She's like the yang to my yin. I’m sure I’m glowing as I bask in the light of her attentions. She genuinely seems to like me and I feel like I’ve known her forever. I’m confident I’ve made a friend, who, I’ve learned throughout the night, shares a certain fire in her belly, and my heart swells at the thought of having found this kindred spirit. I follow her lead on the dance floor. We are back to back, then my back to her front, then her front to my back. Then we break apart and run our hands down our bodies and lean into each other._

_A couple guys do keep trying to get us to dance with them but we wave them off. There's a lot of howling but we're ignoring it. And I’m surprised at how remarkably easily I’m able to. I'm having fun, the music is so loud I can feel it in my chest, and my heart pounds to the beat. I’m so far from my troubles right now that every worry in my life has fallen away, tiny and insignificant. They never let me do anything like this in the lab! I close my eyes as I sway to the rhythm of the music. No, right now, my problems are easily cast aside._

_A song comes on that neither of us cares for and she leans into me, "I've got to pee. Come with?"_

" _I could go too,” I nod and follow her to the line outside the bathroom._

_A crew cut blonde guy with tattoos down his arms brushes up against me and grabs my ass. "Hey Baby, why don't you and I go find someplace private."_

_I'm about to punch this guy in his face but Karai is ahead of me. She puts her hand on the guys shoulder and looks him in the eye, "She's fine, thanks."_

_I’m impressed with her reflexes, especially since mine are rather sluggish at the moment, and I know she’s had as much to drink as I have._

_He laughs, "What are you two, together? I'm down, we can all have fun."_

_Karai shakes her head, "Get your hands off her, now."_

_Four other guys that look just like him come out of the men’s room, "Hey Blake, who are the ladies?"_

" _A couple lesbians," he laughs and turns to walk away with them, but looks back over his shoulder and winks at me._

 _Ten minutes later, I turn for Karai_ , “ _I'm ready to go. How bout' you?"_

_I look around and she's gone. I check the bathroom, but I can't find her. I scan the club, and she's not there either. The room is spinning as I stumble around looking for her. The light airy feeling from earlier is gone, replaced with a heavier sensation hovering over the center of my brain, and everything is out of focus. Alcohol is not helping my senses right now. I rub my head and decide I need some fresh air and notice a fire exit door propped open, near the restrooms. I wonder why the alarm didn't go off? I slip out the door into the cool night air. Right as I let it shut behind me, a massive hand comes down on my tiny arm._

" _Hey Baby, you looking for your friend?" Blake drags me away from the door further into the darkest part of the alley. "She went this way," he snickers._

_Shit. I'm an idiot._

_I scan the alleyway and Karai is nowhere to be seen. She wouldn't be… her ninja ass. I know better than to walk around dark alleys, alone at night. What am I thinking? And then I realize, I’ve not been. I haven’t put serious thought into any decision I’ve made in the past few hours. So much for my night of reckless abandon._

_Struggling to grasp some level of sobriety to deal with my situation, I look at the asshole dragging me further into the darkness, "I'm going to ask you one time to let me go. Ya ready?" I glance ahead of him and see shadows of his friends waiting._

_He stops and looks back at me, "You've got attitude." His smile sickens me, "We're going to have some fun with you."_

" _Your funeral,” I hear Karai hiss from behind me._

_Good. Maybe._

_Blake looks back at Karai and she steps into a fighting stance. While he's looking at her, I drop my shoulder back and down at the same time kicking my heel up into the side of his face. The stiletto drags down his cheek leaving a jagged bloody wound. Screaming, he lets me go and grabs his face, "Bitch!"_

_I turn and run to stand alongside Karai, taking up a matching stance. We're back to back against a wall in the corner of damn dead end alley._

" _I hate fighting in a dress, Karai,” I snap._

" _You did just fine Z," she laughs._

" _This ain't over." I shake my head as Blake pulls out a knife. His four friends pull out their own weapons and they advance on us._

_Raph was right._

_I’m not ready._

_This sucks. I think._

A blade flies by my head landing into the brick wall behind me.

_Yeah, it sucks._

Oh that knife is tempting, _but if I touch it_ … I don't want to kill these guys. I just need to get away.

Karai looks at me, "Grab the knife."

"I can't."

"Zoe, grab the damn knife."

"I can't, Karai."

"Don't let me interrupt you, ladies. No, _let me_ , make your face match mine you little bitch!" Blake runs at me and I spin around to grab the knife. Before my fingers touch it, a sai lands in the brick beside it and Blake’s hands come down hard on my shoulders.

I don't know what's worse, facing Raphael when he's livid or fighting off the asshole trying to shove my body into a brick wall.

I hear bodies slamming behind me and know the brothers are taking care of the other four guys, but Blake's still holding me against the wall. He grabs my arms by the wrists, yanking them behind my back before he pulls me away from the wall and against his body. I feel cold metal press against my neck. "Back off or I'll slit her throat."

 _Now_ I'm pissed. I look ahead of me at the four brothers and Karai standing not fifteen feet away. I set my gaze on Raphael and try to hear, his soothing “I’ve got you and you’re safe,” words that keep me grounded when we train, in my head. I can get out of this without killing this guy. I can. But the fog is creeping in and my control is slipping. The knife he has at my throat sets my blood on fire.

"I'm good guys, _really_ ,” I say, trying to sound casual, but it comes out tense, because I know, mine isn’t the only life at risk right now.

"Yeah, you look it there Zo,” Mikey quips, chucks at the ready.

Donnie jabs him.

"I said _back_ off!" Blake's knife hand is trembling when I drop my chin and bite into his wrist so hard I feel the flesh break. He screams as he releases the knife and I elbow him in the stomach, then spin around before flipping backwards away from him, only to turn and charge him. I leap into the air and snap kick him in face. I feel the haze come down and I'm losing control, they guy is down, but I'm still hitting him. _Fucking hold a knife to my throat!_

"ZOE!"

_That's Raph's voice._

"ZOE!" I can feel strong arms around me, holding me immobile. "Zoe, I've got you. I've got you."

I'm rubbing my face, trying to clear my head as a rooftop blurs into focus. _I can't move. Why can't I move?_ I look down to see what's holding me and find two massive green arms wrapped around me. Raph. I take a deep breath and relax against him.

" _Finally_ ," he sounds pissed. "Do you have a hold of yourself now?"

"Yes," I hiss.

He spins me around to look at him. "Don' get an attitude with me. I told you this would happen."

"What? I didn't _kill_ the guy." I search his face as I try to remember, " _Did I_?"

He shakes his head, "No, you didn't, but you would have if I didn't pull you off him."

"He had a knife to my throat, Raph. I think that falls under self defense." As I'm trying to argue, I glance around and realize we're alone. "Where's everyone else?"

"Don and Mike went home. Leo took Karai somewhere to talk. Don't change the subject." He crosses his arms and glares at me.

"What? What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say?" I clench my hands in fists at my sides. I'm mad, but I'm also cold. I realize I'm still wearing the damn dress. I forgot all about it in the fight. I look down at it and the shoes and shiver.

He's watching me and I can't tell what he's thinking. "Come on, let's go home."

"Home?" I ask him.

"Yes Zoe, _home_." He turns and heads for the fire escape.

"It's your home, Raph." I haven't moved.

He stops and looks back at me, "Uh-uh, it's your home too, until you decide you don't want it to be. Now come on."

Home. My heart skips a beat as I relish the word because it feels so right. I have a real home. Not a bunk in a laboratory dorm, with plain white walls, cold marble floors, and starched sheets. And not a readily furnished apartment with the department stores trendiest color scheme and glass jars full of clear marbles and fake flowers. But a real home, one that’ s filled with scuffed floors, blankets with fraying hems from being well loved, and dips in the couch where each brother prefers to sit. Then there are the photos of them together doing normal things, they hang on the walls, are stuck to the fridge, and one even rests on Raphael’s nightstand. Albeit it is in a sewer, but they’ve made the most of it, and it has more character and is filled with more life than anyplace I’ve ever lived. I’m honored that Raph would call his home mine too. My lip trembles as a stray tear slides down my cheek and I wipe it away before wrapping my arms around myself.

His arms are around me and he's scooped me up, holding me and swinging down a fire escape at the same time. I feel weightless, my stomach tickling with every leap. He lands at the bottom, sets me on my feet and lifts the manhole cover in the street.

"Just so you know, you're _not_ off the hook,” he snaps at me.

I stand there staring at him, not wanting to remind him of my claustrophobia while he’s pissed at me.

" _What_?" He reads my frozen- in- fear expression and rolls his eyes before snatching me up again. Once I’m in his arms my fear subsides, and the swaying motion of his stride, along with the lingering effects of alcohol, lull me off to sleep as he carries me to the first place I’ve ever felt truly at home.

**_Raphael_ **

_She is pissing me off._ I thought my brothers pissed me off. _This is… this is… God, she looks so fucking hot in that dress._ And watching her kick that guys ass while wearing it… _I'm about to come loose._ I can't decide if I want to wait and actually try to make our first time special or just rip the dress off and relieve us both of the torture. I’m not even sure sex is something we can do. But as my heart pounds and I feel my pulse thrumming in my tail, I know I’m damn well going to try. Fuck. Doing the right thing all the time bites ass. _Not that I'll ever stop_. She just keeps me so wound up. _But she can also cool my fire and I need that. I like it. I want it. I want her._

I slip into the lair. It's quiet. Mike and Don must've gone to bed. I glance at Leo's door and see the light on beneath it. I'm sure he's still ripping Karai right now. He said he'd warned her that Zoe shouldn't be near any weapons. Karai always has to test everything out for herself. She and Zoe are the last two women that need to be out alone together. But I can't tell Zoe that, she'll just want to be around her more. _Why's she always have to argue with everything I say?_

Ah, she's fallen asleep on me again. I head upstairs to my room and lay her on my bed, then I take off her shoes, and pull my red blanket up over her. But when I go to leave she grabs my hand, and her touch sends a shock through my body. It's not the same as when she's trying to read me though. _It's different._

"Raph, stay. We don't have to do anything. Will you just stay? Please?"

I grumble. Yes, that will make everything so much easier _._ For me to keep my hands off you while lying in my bed- _shit is she taking her clothes off?_

"What're you doin?" My mouth just dried up. She is not wearing _a_ bra _,_ and her bare _,_ creamy breasts are very real _,_ round _,_ full _,_ and within my reach _. Oh God,_ now I'm drooling. "Zoe- what're you doin?"

Maybe she's drunk _._

"I'm not sleeping in that damn dress. It's driving me nuts. It's bad enough I've got all this shit on my face."

I chuckle, she looks hot without that stuff and I like it that she doesn't usually wear it.

I'm so going to make her pay for this tomorrow in the dojo. Every damn bit of it.

"Raph?" She murmurs as she pulls the covers up around her.

She's lying there in my bed. In nothing but a thong. And I have to do the right thing. I have to do the right thing. I don't know how long I'm going to last, and I'm a fool for climbing under the covers with her. I lay there on my shell, and try to keep my mind off my aching tail, by plotting my revenge. Then she rolls over towards me and curls up against my arm, all but piling her breasts on my forearm. Fuck. I clench my teeth, determined not to give in to my urges, but I can’t resist the chance to feel her against me and I roll on my side, pulling her closer. God she is so soft, and warm, and almost completely naked. I can’t believe this is happening. To me. She is letting me hold her incredible, mostly naked, body. My tail twitches. No. No. Not now. It’s got to be right. And drunk is definitely not right. I’ve got to think about something else. Anything else.

She did handle herself pretty well tonight. She chose not to grab the knife. Well, I sent her a reminder. But she did the right thing, even though it was the hard way for her to end that fight. And she didn't pass out. She couldn't stop herself from beating that guy to a bloody pulp. But hey, he did have it coming.

She stirs and I feel her ass rub against my lower plastron. I set my hand on her tiny hip and try to still her before I lose my shit. I notice how my palm reaches from her belly button all the way around to the middle of her back. Fuck, she's so small. How can we even, fit, together? I don't want to hurt her. I pull her closer to me and resist the urge to slip my hand between her legs and explore. She feels so damn good. Hmmm. Waiting sucks.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Zoe**

"Get up, Z. Dojo in five. No excuses."

Raph kicks the bed and I pull the covers over my chest, sit up, and realize, I’m mostly naked and I vaguely remember the highlights of last night. I’m also certain about two things, one, I might still be drunk, and two, I can tell by the gleam in his eye that I am in for a serious punishment. If I didn’t know that pretty much everything that has transpired in the past twenty-four hours is my fault, I may feel like I have grounds to argue my impending discipline. I know the truth though. My heart takes a nose dive straight into the pit of my churning stomach. I’d earned it.

Then something else occurs to me. He’s not acting nervous, or uncomfortable, and I’m in my underwear, with just a blanket over me. And he stayed last night. He didn’t try anything, but he stayed. I can almost feel those huge arms around me, we even cuddled. My heart sputters, and as I straighten myself the blankets slips off my shoulder, icy air stings my skin, and I shiver. Fuck, its cold in the lair this morning.

I rub my eyes, "Ugh, Raph, what time is it?"

I look at him standing over me. He's grinning, and that fucking crooked grin brings an unwanted heat between my legs. I don't know if I want to fight him or beg him to just do me and get it over with. My core clenches at thought of the latter, and I can’t help thinking, either way he'd be winning. 

"It's five a.m., Sunshine."

Cold, hung over, possibly still drunk, and with an unfulfilled growing desire slowly starting to frustrate me, I flop back in the bed and pull the blanket over my head.

"It's cold in here,” I complain.

He kicks the bed again, and the mattress pops up, jarring me.

Annoyed, I sit up again and glare at him, "Why are you being so mean? I went to bed like three hours ago. We don't even usually begin training until seven."

"You're lucky I don't send you to the ha-shi. Dojo in five or I'll change my mind." He crosses his arms and smiles at me.

Oh, God. I will suffer today. I am sure.

"Fine. Five minutes…” then when I go to sit up again, my head spins, my stomach turns, and I groan, “Can you make it ten? I think I'm still drunk."

"No. You'll be fine. You can sweat it out," he says, then leaves.

XXX

Two hours later, I am dripping in sweat. I've just finished getting my ass handed to me by Raph's little brother, and I think I might puke from the faint remnants of alcohol rolling around in my stomach like a ball of lead. Judging from the wide grin on Michelangelo’s face, I’d say he is enjoying this. He may even think it’s funny.

I stretch my stiff shoulders and arms, then rub my cramping bicep and try to focus. I know I’ve earned this, having to train while suffering with a hangover. If I didn’t have such a beast inside me, trying to break free, if I didn’t have the urge to fight everything in my path, then maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation right now. 

My muscles flex, and there’s a fire in my belly, one that makes me want to mouth off, even though I know I shouldn’t. Then it occurs to me, while I’m learning to control some parts of me, others still need work.

But I can focus that fire on another fact. I hate losing. Especially as badly as what just happened, it was a mess.

"Mike, I demand a rematch." I say, leaning forward with my hands on my knees, and wiping the sweat from my face.

Raph laughs. He's been watching me suffer all morning with a satisfied smirk on his face, and part of me has wanted to punch him in it, and the other part of me… I feel my toes curl and my thighs squeeze together, well part of me, I keep trying desperately to ignore.

Mike hands me a water bottle, "And when do you want that, Z?"

Shaking my urges from my mind, I sit upright, rinse my mouth out, then spit in the trash can next to me. "When I'm not hung over."

"Right. Okay then. Since I have conquered Z, I believe my work here is done,” Mikey grins at me as he leaves the dojo.

"Mike,” Raph calls him back.

"Yeah?"

"Send in Donnie."

Really? Oh, how I want to cuss you right now Raphael. I glare at him.

He raises an eye ridge at me, daring me to say a word, and there it is again, my knees pressing together, my thighs clenching and my toes curling, all the while there’s a wildfire taking off in my belly and I find my jaw clenching so hard, I’m almost surprised my teeth don’t crack.

Donatello enters.   I look at him, and feel like someone threw a bucket of cold water over me. Don’t get me wrong, each brother has his charms, but at least I can think clearly when Donnie is around, and at this moment it’s safe to say I’m happy to see him.

"Good morning, Zoe. I brought you a protein bar and oh, you've already got a bottle of water."

The corners of my mouth turn upward and I can feel the tension leaving my face. He’s so thoughtful, always trying to feed me for some reason, but thoughtful.

Raph approaches me, "You get thirty minutes. When Don says he's ready, you spar. I'll be right back."

He stands there, waiting for me.

I look him in the eye, and feel like he’s holding a poker and jabbing at hot coals. Only I’m those coals. Suddenly it’s clear to me that every time he looks at me with a grin, or presses his authority over me, I want him more. I want to fight him, until he’s so riled up he can’t help himself, and then I know, while he’d probably kill someone else, I think what he’d do to me is very different, the complete opposite, and exactly what I’m wanting. Maybe even, just what I need.

I’m struggling now, and telling myself I have to try to rein this in. Because I do want him, and not just physically, I want him for everything he’s trying so hard to do for me. And for how far he’s brought me, in very little time.

Don't do it, Zoe. Stay the course. Show him what your really made of. Let him know you can control yourself. You want to and you will. I take a deep breath, and on the exhale, let the urges flow out, pushing them away. I’m confident that there will be a time for what I want, and I’m even a little more certain about it since he stayed with me last night. My heart swells at that thought. He stayed with me, an almost naked me, and he respects me enough that he didn’t try anything. And I know he must want me, because he held me. 

I’m calmer now. Looking in his green eyes with not just lust, or passion, but adoration and respect, and I tell him exactly what he deserves to hear, "Yes, Sensei."

He nods and leaves.

Donatello reaches a hand out toward my wrist, "May I? I just want to check your heart rate before you eat anything. I don't want you to get sick."

I nod absently, not really paying attention as he wraps his fingers around my wrist. I sink to the floor and try to slow my breathing, still thinking about his brother, at the same time struggling with my hangover. What I should be doing is preparing for a match with Donatello. I look at the purple clad brother. “Donnie, what makes you think I’m going to be sick?”

His amber eyes widen and his Adams apple bobs, “Uh- I’m just, we just, I just-”

I raise my eyebrows and look at him expectantly, “Go on-”

He sighs, “We look out for each other Zoe. It’s who we are. And sometimes,” his eyes dart nervously from my wrist to my face and back, “you don’t remember to eat.”

It feels like I was just thrown off a cliff and hit the bottom, and at the bottom are my bizarre beginnings crashing into me, yet again. I look at the floor and can barely hear my own voice, “They fed us on a schedule.”

He nodded, “I know. It’s okay. I’m just trying to help.”

I’m embarrassed. If I don’t know when to eat and he’s noticed, what other strange things do I do that I don’t know about? Feeling them tremble, I press my lips together, then an unexpected heat rushes to my eyes and they fill, “I’m a freak Donnie.”

Donatello’s head turns and a knowing smile spreads across his face, “Zoe, look around you. Look who you’re talking to.” He shakes his head, “At least you can believe it when I tell you, I know exactly how you feel.” He puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder, gives it a gentle squeeze, then picks up a bottle of water and a protein bar, “Eat this, and drink this one, it has electrolytes in it. And don’t worry about fitting in. You’ll adjust, and we will help you.”

I take the water and nibble on the protein bar, pondering where I am. Knowing with each passing day I am changing. They are changing me. For the better. And I want to give something back to them. But what can I do?

I take another bite and it comes to me. Donnie loves science, and to some degree, there’s something he’s wanted from me for a while, that I can give him. "Donnie, I promised to answer some questions for you and I haven't gotten around to it yet. If I survive today, I think I'm ready to talk to you." I throw the wrapper in the trash and chug the bottle of water.

Donatello looks me over as he chuckles, "You must be really suffering to offer that up.” He shakes his head, “But I can't go easy on you, Zoe. He'll kick my ass."

I look into his amber eyes, "I don't expect you to and I wouldn't want you to. No, you guys have done so much for me.” I nod, as if trying to convince the both of us, “And I know you’re curious about me. I want to do this for you."

"That sounds great, Zoe." He smiles his sweet shy smile, but doesn’t appear to really believe me. Then he tells me, "But if you need to go to the bathroom or anything, I'd go now."

I nod and make my way to the bathroom, knowing I don’t need to convince him. When I show up at his lab, then he’ll know.

It’s been a grueling two hours, and I’m pretty sure I will never drink anything containing alcohol ever again. _Ever._ Donatello has just wiped the floor with me. And this punishment hurts in all sorts of ways. This fight ended with me rolling an ankle. Raph actually looked slightly concerned for the first time today, but I waved him off. He gave Donnie a look and Donatello sent me through a series of "move your ankle, can you do this" then cleared me to my own judgment. Raph was satisfied.

"Uh Zoe, do you really want to talk to me?" Donnie seemed like he was prepared for a bitter rejection.

I have to say if anyone could ever enjoy getting their ass kicked, which I'm not, but if I could, it would be by these guys. We spar, and then we chat and help each other out, and it feels like something I’ve never had, but that I really want… family.

"Of course, Don. I'll have to check my schedule with my Sensei," I glance over my shoulder at Raph, who appears to be having the time of his life, all relaxed stance and big grin. "Other than that I'm good."

Donatello is beaming. He looks at Raph, "Tomorrow?"

Raph laughs, "Try Saturday."

"Raph, that's three days from now," I blurt out before thinking. Oh, Gods, it's the first time I've talked back today.

"And?"

He might let that one slide if I react appropriately. "I'll see you Saturday, Donnie," I say, as I wrap my towel around my shoulders and offer the purple clad brother a surrendering smile.

Donatello laughs, "Hopefully, I see you at the dinner table tonight."

"Don't count on it,” Raph scoffs.

Donnie gives him a strange look and Raph stares back at him.

What the hell is that about? I just had a talk with his brother about eating, and now all of the sudden I’m not having dinner? 

"Well, if there's nothing else for me to do here, _sorry Zoe_ , I'll be in the lab." Donnie waves as he heads out.

"Uh- Don?" Raph calls him back.

"Yeah, Raph?"

"Send in Leo."

I am going to die. I am not going to survive. And I can't say a damn thing. I brought it on myself. He's trying to kill me. Kill me. I've been sparring with Leo for two hours. I'm still on my feet. I don't know how. I'm mostly avoiding him. My body is killing me. My ankle is screaming. I'm standing in the far corner and Leo is ready to pounce.

Raph is very quiet.

Oh shit, here he comes. He's flying over my head, I duck and leap away. He's fast as hell, kick, block, duck, block, block, block, and he sweeps my feet. And I'm on my ass.

"She's done, Raph." Leo shakes his head at me.

His words infuriate me. I don’t want to be done. He’s not my sensei. He doesn’t get to say I’m done. My teeth clench and air rushes past them with my every heaving breath. I close my eyes and try to focus. I want to get him so damn bad. There’s an arrogance about him that has my hands clenching into fists, so tight my fingernails are digging into my palms. I have to focus. Then I will know what I need to do.

It’s only been a minute. But it’s enough. I’ve been at the bottom side of a fight, like this, many times, but it will be me who decides when it’s over. He didn’t pin me, he put me on my ass. That’s not over. I decide when I’m done. Maybe I’d let Raph call it. Maybe. Being my sensei and all. But not Leo.

What have I been doing? What can I do differently? What am I capable of that he doesn’t know?

I try to control my breathing, knowing at the same time, that I must clear my mind.

Focus.

Then it comes to me.

And I know exactly how I’m going to beat him.

"Sensei?" I crawl to my hands and knees.

"Yes, Zoe?" Raph stands over me.

"Can _I_ tell my opponent what _I_ think?"

"Of course," I peek at him, and Raph is grinning.

I get to my feet and take a stance, "Oh Leo,"

Leo looks at me skeptically.

“I say when I’m done, not you."

There's a fire in my belly, sweat dripping down my breasts across my abdomen, and the words, and his attitude, they refuel my fire. And I know that if I can find an opening, I won’t even need to exert myself.

We each take a stance, and like he’s done every round so far, he makes the first move.   He's coming at me high, and the past three rounds I’ve countered with a block, a combination, or I’ve just plain avoided him. I’d exhausted myself trying to keep him back, it had all been a waste of energy. This time I let him get close.   I duck his extended right arm, step in toward him and swipe the underside of it, hoping he thought it was a block, but I know it wasn’t. Then as he steps forward to sweep my legs again, I drop down, whack two specific places on his calf, and finish a pressure point attack that drops him to the floor.

I stand over him, with an undeniable sense of satisfaction, "We good, Leo?"

He groans, “What just happened?”

Raph laughs.

"I'm never going to get to pull that off on you again am I?" I ask him, although I know full well what his answer will be. That’s why Leo is so good at what he does. He studies his opponents, and once he learns how I really fight, the way I do when my life depends on it, not just practicing, well, something tells me, sparring with him is only going to get more difficult.

He looks up at me, when he’s finally able to move, "Never." Then to my surprise, he gets to his feet and smiles at me, "Good job, Zoe." And I note the sincerity of his actions.

Then he looks over at Raph and nods his approval before he leaves.

I'm standing in the center of the dojo and Raph's looking me over. "How's the ankle?"

"It's ligaments. They're a mess anyway. I'll manage."

"Sit on the bench. I want to look at it."

I look at him and there it is again. That fire, the urge to butt heads with him. To provoke him. Then my thighs flex and my glutes tighten. I bite my lip. God, I want him so bad.

He raises an eye ridge.

I’m struggling with my urges, reminding myself of where I am, and what he’s doing for me, and that I respect him. Discipline and control, go hand in hand. This is important. I need to let him guide me. I take a deep breath and again, exhale. Once I’m able to pull myself back in, I go sit on the bench.

He sits down next to me, pulling my foot into his lap. He feels it over, pressing lightly on different places. His fingers brush over a sore spot that sends a jolt shooting throughout my foot and up the side of my leg, and I can’t help the way my body jerks in response.

"Shit!" I leap from the bench and shake my foot out, trying to get the knife like pain to stop.

"You're done." He shakes his head.

I look at him, wondering what it will take to convince him. I need to finish. It’s important. "Do you want me to be done? If not, tape it up. I'll be fine."

He shakes his head, "You're going to tear something, Zoe."

"Tape it up and let's finish whatever you have planned, Sensei." I’m trying not to argue with him, but I want him satisfied with my discipline.

"You sound like me." He stands over me, a small smile on his face, but clearly concerned.

"Please. I want to finish.” I want him to know I’m not a quitter, that I really want to atone for my mistakes, and that I will do whatever it takes to get the job done. God Zoe, it’s not a mission. I sigh. “Raph, it’s important to me, to finish what we’ve started.”

He regards me for a moment, and I wonder if he will call me out for not addressing him formally in the dojo.

But he doesn’t.

He shakes his head, "We're breaking for lunch. Come on." Then he motions for me to follow him to the kitchen.

I chug a bottle of water labeled in Donatello's handwriting with my name on it. He's written electrolytes under my name and underlined it. His words bounce around in my head…

“We look out for each other. It’s who we are.” 

Then I notice Mike's left two plates in the fridge labeled Raph and Zoe, and my heart swells. That feeling is back again. Is this what it’s like? I stare at the plates, clutching the bottle in my hand. I want my life to always be just like this. Family, looking out for one another. My heart is pounding and there’s a damn knot in my throat, and I know, this is exactly who I want to be.

The member of a family.

“What are you doing Zoe? Quit just standing there, you’re letting all the cold air out of the fridge,” Raph reaches around me and pulls the plates out, then points to the table.

I open the bottle of water and swallow three large gulps, hoping to wash away my emotions. He’s already doing enough for me. He doesn’t need me whining for more. I pull out a chair and sit down, sipping on the water and, thankfully, the lump in my throat dissolves.

While I'm munching on my cheese sandwich I look over at the living area where Mike is napping on the couch with his leg draped over the back of it. He snores and says something about bunnies, then he waves his hands in the air, "Not the bunnies, no!"

I laugh.

"Idiot,” Raph grumbles.

I look over at him. His plate’s clean. I take a bite of my apple and ask him, "So, you told Donnie I wouldn't be at the dinner table tonight. Why?"

"Because you're having dinner with me."

I almost choked on the damn apple. "I'm sorry, wouldn't you be at the dinner table, too?"

"Shut up, Zoe." He shakes his head.

" _Excuse me_ but we're not in the dojo right now, Raph. What's eating you all of the sudden?"

He closes his eyes and clenches his teeth. He opens them again, "I want you to have dinner with me. Like…. Like a date."

I stand up and pick up my plate and his. I lean over and kiss him on the top of his head. "Why didn't you just say so?"

He wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me to him, "I just did."

"I'll need to check with my Sensei, I've been a bad girl lately. Gotta do my time, you know?"

His lips brush my ear and my knees buckle. "You know what, breaks over." That voice. _Oh that voice_.

We're back in the dojo. He agreed to tape my ankle so I could finish my day. He insisted on taping it himself and did so with the greatest care.

"How's it feel?" He gestured to the floor, "Walk around."

"It's fine, Raph. I've had a taped ankle before."

He shoots me a warning glance.

"I'm sorry, Sensei," I looked at the floor and walked around as instructed.

"Good?" He looks me in the eye. He isn't playing.

"Good." I stretch up on my toes and drop my heels back to the floor. Then bounce up and down lightly feeling it out.

He steps back into a stance and nods his head.

Really? All four of you in one day? Ugh. Maybe he'll go easy on me?

I look at my toes, take a deep breath and step into my stance.

Thirty minutes later, I’m wondering what hit me. I'm on my back and he's looking down at me. So much for going easy on me. What. The. Hell.

"You done?" he grins at me.

Fuck you and no… well mostly no…. maybe no? Maybe? 

I glare at him, roll to my left and push up from the floor. He actually let me get up. How nice.

After another thirty minutes, I’m feeling like if I have to look at this ceiling anymore today I may as well become a mat.

"You done?" he's still grinning.

Fucker. No way. I'm mad now. 

I roll to my feet again and step into my stance.

He raises an eye ridge. I think he's impressed. I don't know why. It can't be my trembling muscles, my sweaty body, my hair ringing wet from the bottle of water I literally dumped over my head on my last five minute break. There can be nothing hot about me right now. Nothing impressive here.

I wait for him to move.

He beckons me to him.

Of course, because that always ends well for me. 

I come at him and try to pull off the move I used on Leo earlier. He’s so ready for me. He literally snatches my hand, spins me around and yanks me into him so fast it almost knocks the wind out of me. I feel myself landing on the mat again, only this time he's coming down with me. I shut my eyes waiting for him to crush me. When I open them he's hovering over me, and he looks upset. Not mad but, is that hurt or fear… I reach out and touch his arm. No I'm not going to read him. I'm going to ask him.

"Raph, are you okay?"

His eyes are darting over my face and he swallows. "Yyyeah. We're done for today." He stands up and holds a hand out to me. I take it.

"Take a bath instead of a shower. There's some-"

"Epsom salts and I have essential oils." I nod, "I've done this before."

He nods and moves to leave. He looks back from the doorway, "Zoe."

I look over at him, "Yeah?"

"You did real good today."

Melt me into the floor, a compliment came from that mouth. MMMMM. I want more. 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Zoe**

I can already feel the ache of today's beatings setting in. I think I've got a bruise… everywhere… well they never hit me in the face. Never. Not one of them. That's more than I can say for my past life. Actually, this doesn't even compare. I feel cared for here.

As I emerge from the bathroom, I find Raph standing outside the door with a bottle of water and two pills in his hand.

"Take these and drink this."

I stare at him, tempted to give him grief, but the look in his eye is sweet and I won't take that for granted. He may have made me suffer today, but he's still looking out for me. I take them both, "Thanks."

He looks at my pajamas and seems disappointed.

"I didn't forget. I just thought I'd power nap first."

He nods but I feel his eyes looking me over. They settle back on my ankle and he shakes his head, "I don't like how that looks."

I glance down at the swelling and frown. It sucks, but I'm determined not to let a little ankle injury stop me. "It'll be fine by tomorrow, don't worry."

I'm determined not to limp away, trying to ignore the jolts and jabs of tender flesh and damaged ligaments. They’re just ligaments, it'll be fine. It will be fine.

I can feel Raph's eyes on me with every uncomfortable step I take.

"Zoe," Leo is coming down the stairs as I make my way up, and stops several steps down from me.

"Yeah, Leo?" I glance back at him.

"You're whimpering,”

My cheeks burn as I close my eyes and cover my face. "I am so sorry."

"Don't be. Are you okay?" In all of my interactions with Leonardo he’s always had a confidence, a watchful eye, and a bit of arrogance about him. Yet he’s always honorable. How someone marries arrogance and honor would seem a fete in and of itself, yet the complicated creature that is Leo, seems to manage it. Right now however, he's genuinely concerned and I can’t help comparing my newfound life to my old one, yet again.

_“Get up if you don’t want to die Zoe! It’s life or death in the field, no mercy, no time for sniveling crying little girls and their pathetic boo-boos. If your shoulders dislocated set it and move on, if your ankles broken, drag that son-of-a-bitch. If your left hands injured, you’d better know how to use your right!”_

Leo looks me up and down and, like Raph, his eyes settle on my ankle and he frowns.

"Yes. Thanks for asking." I tell him, while locking the memory back into the farthest corners of my mind. Even though that wasn’t my life anymore the mentality was still there, drilled into me to the point that it was a reflexive behavior. Injuries don’t matter, not in the field. Damn animal genes though, my body made that stupid noise of its own accord, giving away my weakness. I’d have to work on that.

I close the door to Raph's room behind me and lean against it.

"You were too hard on her today,” Leo scolds Raph.

"I've got this, Leo,” Raph snaps back.

"She needs to elevate and ice it." I hear Leo’s tone and know he’s getting under Raph’s skin.

"Mind your own damn business, Leo."

"I'm just saying-"

Raph is growling and I wonder if he’s doing it on purpose or if his own genes aren’t taking over for him. In some ways, we’re not that different.

"Yeah you're always sayin something. Maybe you should stop talkin all the time."

I can hear a couple of shoves and grunts in the hall, as I climb onto Raph's bed and pull the favored blanket over me. I'm out before he can open the door.

I smell… something… delicious. "Mmmm," I stir and rub my eyes, the muscles in my arms stinging in protest to my every movement. Oh my god, dinner. I fell asleep. How long have I been asleep?

That smell is heavenly and my mouth is watering. Opening my eyes, I peek around the room, finding that I am not alone. I can sense Raph nearby. Looking over my shoulder, I see him sitting next to me on the bed, staring at me, with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Do you smell that?" I sit up and wince. Every muscle in my body hurts. This sucks.

He doesn't miss it. "I'm sorry,” he mumbles.

I'm bewildered, "Why?"

"I was too hard on you today." He shakes his head.

He's pissed at himself? He is. 

"Are you kidding me? I loved it." I sit up in the bed and move to cross my legs, but a jolt in my ankle makes me reposition myself. "I mean, I didn't at the time but at the same time I did. It's hard to explain."

He looks at me, as if he's trying to determine if I'm serious or not, and I’m being honest with him. How can one improve their own character, their physical or mental self if they stay in their safe zone? Sometimes the only way to grow is to stretch and reach first, and if he’s willing to push me, I’m eager to go there. Something tells me, a little whisper near my heart, he isn’t going to let me fall.

"Raph, I love being pushed in the dojo, in the art, in yoga, in gymnastics, conditioning, all of it. First of all, I deserved it. I really did." I shake my head and wonder if he believes me, "Why do you think you were too hard on me?"

He eyes my ankle, "That is not okay."

I roll my eyes, "Please, I've had worse. I've continued a work out and taken a beating with worse."

His eyes narrow and I notice his jaw shift as he folds his arms across his plastron.

"Okay, now you're mad about something that you have no control over."

As he looks at the punching bag in the corner of his room, I move to my knees and crawl over to him, climbing in his lap, placing one leg on either side of him. Now he's looking me in the eye, "What're you doin?"

"Whatever the hell I want." I grab the tails of his bandanna and tug lightly, grinning at him.

His eyes heat up. "Do you ever stop?"

I shake my head and slip onto my knees, still straddling him. My lips linger near his, the seductive warmth of his breath hovering over them draws me in. "Never," I whisper, lightly stroking his thick lips with my tongue, I’m delighted when he replies in kind.

He slips a callused hand gently behind my head, running his rough edged fingers down the loose strands of my hair, all the while caressing my mouth with his velvety tongue. I moan and he chuckles. _That sound_ _._ _My heart can't take it._

What will it take for me to convince him not to stop tonight, I wonder, yet am grateful he’s chosen to explore what’s between us at all.

I lose a breath when he interrupts my thoughts, slipping an eager hand under my sleepshirt. The soft cotton material brushes against my skin bearing a stark contrast to his leathery fingers stroking my breast as he rolls his giant thumb over a sensitive nipple. I can’t decide by the pins and needles if it hurts or if I want more. It’s the moist heat of his mouth taking its place that drives a wetness between my legs, choosing for me.

My skin is alive, almost humming at every touch, my breaths coming in short pants, my mind a whirl of desires, reeling at the smooth pebbled scales on his arms, the cool temperature of his skin that seems to warm beneath my fingers and the sheer mass of him. I bear none of his weight, yet he’s so huge, rock solid, and close, that every move he makes only serves to overwhelm and heighten my frantic senses, the scent of cedar, the taste of salt on his thick green flesh, the dark pine of his eyes, he could consume me right now and I’m sure I want him to.   

He flips me onto my back with such grace I can barely catch up to the movement, then slips my shirt over my head tossing it away, kisses my neck, nips my jaw and presses his mouth against mine. As he caresses my breast, while luring me into him with his tongue, I want to dissolve into the bed, every ache and pain forgotten.

A gentle hand slides down to my thong and he slips his palm in and around to cup my butt. A thrill shoots throughout me, my heart frantic as I ponder his intent. Then he ventures lower. My knees come to rest against his enormous biceps as his smooth wide tongue drags the length of my torso, swirling around my belly button then nibbling my hip sending a driving rush straight between my legs and I feel my eager core tighten.

He tugs lightly on the thin string of my thong.

"Do you like these?" His lips are pressed against my abdomen and his voice sends a tremble through me only sending a fresh slick wet heat from within me.

"Yes, why?" I gasp, trying to calm my fluttering heart.

"That's a shame," He says, shaking his head. Although he seems unapologetic when he gives one firm tug and the fabric surrenders to what I know to be no effort at all on his part. Then he pushes his palm against my sex and slides down slipping his wide hot mouth over my clit. My back arches of its own accord as I writhe beneath him with my mind racing, is he doing this right now? Oh my God, his mouth is so soft, he feels so good. 

He chuckles again and my heart jerks, as he rolls a flexible tongue, sucking, licking, humming, delving and darting… Then, lightly at first, he pushes a thick finger between my legs. I'm slippery wet as he rubs and caresses, kneading and spreading the moisture around before gently slipping his thick finger into me. The feel of him is foreign and odd, holding me open, somewhat uncomfortably at first. I’m tight around him, but the pressure and the motion begin to stir strange sensations, that soon bring me to a pant and have me squirming. His free hand comes to rest gently against my hip, stilling me. "Oh, Raph." I moan savoring the feel of him, wanting him closer.

A primal sound, some rumble from within his chest, erupts in reply, as he slips his finger in and out and I think I'll die from the pleasure. As he nips my hip bone, I shudder, all the while that finger is sliding, and I am panting unable to think, only to try and grasp all of the tingles, pressures, stimulated nerves, sensations deep inside my core, then just outside arousing my tender flesh. I can’t focus, my breaths are short, my world is spinning, he’s moving... I tremble as he rubs his rough skinned palm over me and his finger slides in ever so gently, out, then in with more force. Gently then harder he thrusts that finger, bringing me to the edge of a cliff, before finally pushing me over. I'm free-falling when I feel him shudder and realize that he’s jumped with me, maybe even held me as we leapt off together.

Knowing our desires are the same, my heart hammers against my breast, my skin tingling and I want him. All of him. He slips his finger from within, kisses his way back up my body, pausing over my breasts, where the smooth thick soft muscle of his tongue traps a dark pink crest between his lips sending a thrill straight to my pelvis. I can feel the head of his erection drifting towards my opening as if the increasing waterfall that is me, is beckoning him in. Yet somehow he refrains, instead releasing my breast, dragging his supple tongue between them until he reaches the vulnerable space of my neck, nibbles my collar bone, then nudges my jaw before seeking my mouth. I meet his passion with hungry, lustful kisses and run my fingers over his unforgiving biceps then slide them lightly under his arms, down along his plastron. He gazes into my eyes and I feel my heart reaching for him, as tears well in my own.

His face almost crumbles, "Did I hurt you?"

I shake my head as a tear slides down my cheek, "No, I just… you feel so good."

When he smiles it's beautiful and unguarded then I look in his eyes and see something that takes my breath away.

"Raph?"

"Yeah?" _God that voice._ He hovers over me resting his lower plastron against me and I can feel his length throbbing against my entrance and I shiver with desire to draw him in.

I wrap my fingers around the tips of the fraying red fabric and tug again. "Take the mask off."

He smiles, and between his beautiful unshielded smiles, the vibrato of his voice, and the look in his eyes, my heart swells and a lump rises in my throat. With his mask discarded I find myself admiring his naked face. His exposed face. He has essentially laid himself bare before me. What I see, what I’m experiencing, is him, a side of him no one else gets and I know how difficult that is for him, to reach out and trust, to open his self up. My breast is bursting with emotions, compounded by every choice he’s made since we’ve met, and all that I’ve learned of him along the way.

His eyes have darkened in his lusty state, almost to a rich evergreen, they hold a vulnerability to them almost as if he’s a little afraid or nervous about what he’s doing, yet the feel of his length pressing hard against my thigh tells me it’s what he wants. With his mask off I see another scar higher between his eyes as if the one over his lip had skipped his snout and dashed his forehead. I stroke it affectionately, knowing it’s only one story among many, and it does not bother me, for I have my own.

He resumes nuzzling my neck, then hums in my ear, "Do you want to stop?"

"Gods no, please no," I am faint from his touch, willing to submit myself to him.

With a dedicated tongue he lures me away, reaching for me until I'm lost in him, his fingers trace the length of my body, until he strokes the inside of my leg, gently pushing it further open for him, then his lips press against my ear, "If I hurt you, you tell me."

If he doesn't stop talking I am going to die from want! 

He's kissing me lightly now on my neck, "Zoe?"

I moan and swat the ridge of his carapace impatiently, "Raph, shut up."

"I'm serious, Z," he stops kissing me and looks me in the eye.

A mess of desire and frustration, my teeth clench and my toes curl, "You are killing me right now Raphael. I swear to God if you don't stop- stopping!"

His eyes sparkle as he chuckles and resumes working me over. Hands, lips, nipples, fingers, tracing, licking, rolling, caressing, kneading, pulling… he's built me up to such a frenzy I'm only slightly concerned with the increasing pressure between my legs building and stretching me wide. I'm panting, moaning, opening to him, one exquisite inch at a time, and he's moving… _God, he feels so good._ My legs are splayed and I push my feet into the mattress, moving with him then against him, the friction building and carrying me, his lips embrace mine, his tongue seeking, reaching and wrapping. I push myself closer to him and he moans. My eyes are wet with tears, my heart is full, as we gaze in one another's eyes reaching deeper into one another still. He thrusts into me and I call him. His mouth is on mine, friction building and I feel myself reaching my limit, full of him, wanting of more and blissfully reaching my end. In the next moment, he's exhales in a shudder and I feel him pulsing inside me.

He nuzzles my neck, then rests his forehead against mine, gazing into me with shining eyes. Holding me close, he kisses my cheek and rolls onto his side pulling me with him. His lips brush my forehead before he rests his chin in my hair and whispers, "I think I love you, Zoe."

As I lay intertwined with him, feeling his rough plastron pressed tight to the yielding flesh of my back, those sweet words fall from his lips, into my ears and trickle throughout warming me like the bourbon had, only alcohol hadn’t brought a great surge of vibration straight to the center of my breast causing a tide to shift inside me. A thrum of energy circulates between us, intensifying the emotions. I draw in a trembling breath and rest myself deeper in his embrace, surrendering my soul to him with my exhale as tears slip down my cheeks, "I think I love you too, Raphael."

He brings a finger under my chin, encouraging me to look up at him. Tears glisten in his eyes and I see it there again.

My own personal heaven.

"Say it again," he whispers.

"I'm in love with you, Raphael."

He's glowing as he lowers his mouth to mine again. I feel like I've merged with him, like some unbreakable bond has been forged and nothing else in the world matters.

**Raphael**

I'm holding her and I know I've lost myself. I've never felt this vulnerable. And I've never been this willing to be. I didn't mean for it to go this far so soon. I was going to wait, but she just keeps giving and she felt so good, and my heart, and my mind, and my body are screaming to me, this is right. She is right for me. She is right… for… me. Me. Hell, we even fit together, which I still can’t believe, the foreplay helped, I’m sure of that. She was tight as hell, but it worked. We fit together. We… belong together. Before I know it, all that is happening between us has stripped me bare and I've uttered those words that I've never said to anyone, that I never thought I would, not me, a damned mutant, and not like this. And I don't know what scares me most, that she said them back or that I know we both meant them. 

"Raph?"

I look in her storm cloud grey eyes, "Yea?"

"I'm hungry."

I chuckle, "There's a pizza on my dresser."

"Six cheese?"

"Yea," I know it's her favorite. I had planned to take her to my favorite rooftop. The one with the best view… until she hurt her ankle. _Her ankle._ "Zoe?" She's resting her head against my plastron and I don't want her to move.

"Yeah?"

"How's your ankle?"

"It's fine, Raph. I'm a big girl." She rolls onto her stomach and sits upright, leaving my plastron cold again. I'll have to fix that after dinner.

"I brought you an ice pack but it's probably melted." I nod in the direction of the pizza and the ice pack next to it.

"I know I melted," she giggles and climbs from the bed, grabbing the pizza box and laying it on the bed between us.

I love it when she laughs. It dissolves my tension and I feel compelled to laugh with her. I feel like I can be… myself… the side of me no one else knows… me… only better… with her.

**Zoe**

I munch on a piece of pizza and sip on one of the Cokes that had been placed next to it. "So, what're we doing tomorrow?"

He swallows a bite and points to my ankle, "It depends on how that looks. If it needs a few days for the swelling to go down, we wait. You can do conditioning."

My eyebrows come together, "Wait for what?"

I can tell by the look in his eyes that it's big. He shakes his head, "Don't worry about it." His eyes narrow, "Let's talk about somethin' else."

Okay? Oh, I know what I want to hear… "Raph, tell me about you, Splinter, and your brothers."

We talk for hours. He tried to ask me about the lab after he told me about his family, but my life doesn't compare. His story is amazing. The part that resonate with me the most, though, were the things he said about himself. He complimented each brother, including Leo, who he butt heads with almost daily, and he highlighted all of the qualities he loved about them, admiring Mikey’s innocence and optimism, Donnie’s brilliance and ingenuity, Leo’s diligence and commitment to the art and the high regard in which he held their father. Raph adored his Sensei too, grateful that the rat had chosen to raise them as his children, treating them like people rather than animals. And why not, I wondered, they were both? But when it came to himself he pointed out his impatience, his temper, how often he’d felt misunderstood, or screwed something up when his intentions were good, and how bitter he’d become, how he was sure no one could ever love any of them because of what they are. He’d been floored, that April made a move on Donnie, and Leo approached Karai, when both women had in the end accepted and loved them. Even after telling me about those events Raph went on about how he was different, burly, rough, and living in the shadow of the prodigal son, the genius, and the light. It occurred to me that he didn’t see or know his best qualities, the very same ones that would have him charging first in a fight, the very ones that were refining me in to someone who was learning her boundaries again and able to stay within them.

“Raphael, you are fierce, courageous, dedicated, loyal, and when you love it’s to a fault. It’s no surprise that your father appointed you my Sensei.”

With sparkling, flattered eyes he tried to smother his crooked grin, “Why’s that?”

“Because I needed all of those things, and it would seem not only did the universe, and your master know it, but somewhere inside you did too. Or else you would’ve never brought me home.”

I saw the family they’d created, the love, kindness, and honor shared among each individual who had their own role, their own part to play, their own skill to contribute.  The things that made a family what it should be, traits that I knew of but had never experienced, he and his clan had all of them, and I envied him. I didn't want to ruin our night with my story and he didn't push. I lay in his arms, running my fingers over them, tracing each muscle as I stared up at him, chatting happily until I fell asleep.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Zoe**

"It's fine. Just, please, tape it up. I swear its fine." I begged him and he didn't budge. I spent the next week doing conditioning and yoga. The days were long and uneventful. The nights were far too short but, oh, so passionate…that is, of course, after he got home from patrol.

Today the bruises are all but healed. The heat and swelling are gone from my ankle and I've gotten up before him to be sure I can prove that I am ready.

Leo's in the dojo already. He's usually there first everyday and when they train he's usually last to leave.

"Good morning, Zoe," he greets me in between the pummeling of a punching bag.

"Morning, Leo." I smile and hand him a bottle of water, happy to return the thoughtful gestures they show me every day.

"Thanks," he takes it from me and sips it. "How's the ankle today?"

"I'm here to test it out actually. Of course if it was up to me, I'd have been back to work four days ago, but-"

Leo nods, "He's just looking out for you. You'd be out a lot longer if-"

"You are such a big brother,” I roll my eyes and he smiles.

I roll out my yoga mat and warm up.

Thirty minutes later I’m standing in the corner of the dojo setting myself up for a tumbling pass. I run two steps and do a round-off and two back handsprings and end with a back tuck. When I land clean I look over at Leo, only to find Raphael standing next to him. They're both looking at me in such a way I know it has nothing to do with my gymnastics.

Leo won't say anything about my work when Raph is in the dojo. He respects the Sensei and student relationship too much to interfere, so I can’t gauge his thoughts. Mike is on the punching bag and slows the rhythm of his punch glancing from me to Raph. Donnie finishes his kata in the opposite corner and looks from me to Raph. Splinter is working with Donatello and I feel his eyes on me.

What the hell is going on? 

"Guys, get your weapons." Raph watches me freeze in place and makes his way over to me. The brothers disappear with ninja stealth, returning armed.

The blood drains from my face as my hands grow clammy and my body begins to tremble. What if I lose control? What if I hurt someone? What if I’m not ready?

Raph lays a gentle hand on my arm, "Zoe. Zo- Look at me."

I shudder and my eyes fly up to his, "I'm not-"

"Yes, you are," he nods his head yes while I'm shaking mine no.

The five of them, The Hamato Family, stand with me and I’m torn inside, a mess of questioning myself and my readiness, at the same time adoring the lot of them for believing in me.

My eyes dart over to Mike, flickering to his utility belt where his chucks now rest. He smiles at me, "You've got this Z. No worries, Babe."

I look to Donatello, holding his bo staff. He nods, "You're ready, Zoe."

Surely, Leo would disagree. But as my eyes meet his noble blues he nods his head, "You are ready, Zoe."

Somebody please disagree. Please tell me no. Please? 

My gaze shifts to Splinter who I know Raphael will have already consulted with.

Splinter reaches out a gentle paw and takes my hand. I close my eyes, try to quiet my own inner turmoil and sense all the emotions of everyone around me, trust, confidence, nobility, honor, wisdom, faith, safety, patience and love. Slowly, my breathing regulates, my resolve steels, and my heart calms. Splinter slips his paw from my hand and I feel the space around me open up. I sense Raphael right in front of me. Waiting.

I open my eyes and look at him. He is sure. I can see it. "Raph."

He nods, "We believe you're ready, Zoe. Do you?"

With slightly lingering doubts, brought on by my fears, I reluctantly agree.

He smiles, "So Zoe, what is your weapon of choice?"

When I laugh he seems surprised. "I actually forgot it at my apartment that night I left." Abruptly, I stop laughing at look at Raph in fear that I’ve left my precious weapon there and that it will only confirm to the enemy my whereabouts, "Oh my god, Raphael I-"

He shakes his head, "Zoe, I don't want you to worry about anything else right now. I need you to be here in this room with me, right now. Focused. What was it?"

I know my eyes are gleaming, "It was a compound bow… like no other, made especially for me. It was light and beautiful, with the most perfect strands."

Raphael grins, "Leo."

Leonardo reaches over his shoulder and pulls forth my bow, "Did it look like this, Zoe?"

I can’t hide my surprise or my glee to have it in my hands. I run my fingers over the fine strands adoringly. "I know most kunoichi use a long or a short bow but for me, there is no other."

"You'll probably need these." Donnie hands me my quiver, loaded with arrows.

"When did you guys?" I look at each of them and they are all smiling.

"Oh, hey, this is yours too." Mike hands me my weapons bag.

"What's your close combat weapon of choice, Z?" Raph asks.

I laugh, "Well if you can't tell by now, I'm not usually a close combat girl." _So very opposite you, Raphael._

We exchange a knowing glance.

"I'm trained for most all weapons, but I like my tessen."

"Zoe. We're going to start with katas. Over the next week, you'll train with a different weapon, each day. Then we'll move on to sparring."

My eyes dart to his face and he nods. He's really sure. How does he know?

"We practice alone,” he says finally.

"Good luck, Zoe,” Leo smiles at me.

"You will do well my child,” Splinter nods and leaves with Leo.

"You've got this, Babe." Mike grins, "See you at lunch?"

I looked at Raph and he nods his approval.

"Sure thing, Mike."

"Good luck, Zoe," Donnie waves at me as he leaves.

Raphael looks at me, "Let's get started."

**Raphael**

It has been six weeks. One week of katas turned into three because she kept losing her cool at first. Although she never passed out. I always talked to her and yet somehow by the end of every kata for the first week, she was wrapped in my arms and I was bringing her back. She had nightmares that week, too. When she'd wake up, I'd try to get her to tell me about them, about that place. But she wasn't ready to talk about it. By the second week, I was still talking to her and she was finishing katas without the breakdown. By week three, I'd stopped talking and she was solid.

Week four I began sparring with her while talking to her and I think she could tell I was going easy on her. Every day she practiced with a different weapon but she used her tessen daily, too. I thought she was proficient with the other weapons but most graceful and one with the tessen. It was like an extension of her arm, her hand, part of her, the way a weapon should be. Week five I stepped it up but was still holding back. I let her spar with Mike three times that week. She got her ass handed to her two of those three times.

Week six has been interesting. We're five days in and she's fought Mike and beat him four of those days. I'm pleased, so today she spends with Donatello. If she does well next week I may let Leo spend a day with her. Maybe. Maybe even tomorrow…

**Zoe**

We're four hours into our training and Donnie has won most of the rounds. Okay, I've won one. I'm not feeling good. I'm tired, I’m slow and I know it. I'm also, well… mean today. 

"Jesus Donnie, you busted my knuckles _again_! They're going to bleed through the damn bandages!" I launch my tessen past his head in frustration.

Donatello doesn't move. His eyes widen as the black metal fan whizzes past him, bouncing off the wall behind him.

"Zoe!" Raphael reprimands me.

There’s an unprovoked rage burning at my insides as I turn on him, "What?! I didn't hit him!"

"Are you done?" Raph snaps.

Donatello waits patiently for instruction.

I roll my eyes, unable to fight the bizarre twists of emotions coursing through me. My blood is amped, electrified and coursing with frustrations that I can’t name. In my head I know this behavior is wrong, and unfounded, yet I can’t seem to contain the anger building and welling within. It’s so strong I can feel the urge to hit someone belting through my forearm into my trembling fingers. This behavior is embarrassing and even though it’s unacceptable, and I know it, I find myself surrendering to it, just on the brink of snapping.

"Zoe. Get yourself-"

I clench my teeth, telling myself not to speak, my hands ball into fists, and I know if I don’t get out I’m going to do worse than through my weapon. I shake my head, "I need a break!"

Raphael looks stunned. I never ask for a break, ever. I have literally never asked him for a break. He's staring at me.

Donatello clears his throat, "I- I could use a break, too." He slips behind Raph and disappears from the dojo.

My emotions are all over the place and I'm furious right now. There’s absolutely nothing for me to be mad about, I know that, I keep telling myself that, I don’t understand why I feel this way, and all of those things only serve to fuel the wildfire singing my insides.

He's staring at me and I wish he'd stop.

"So, do I get a break or not?" I snarl.

It's not like me to disrespect him in the dojo. Why am I being so nasty? Why can’t I contain it? How can I, if I don’t understand where it’s coming from? What is wrong with me?!

He nods but does not speak.

Snatching my tessen up from the floor, I drop it on the weapons table and leave the dojo on trembling legs. Something’s wrong with me. I’ve been doing so well. What’s happening? My hands are shaking as I struggle with the urge to pummel something or someone, my head is a sea of confusion, ebbing and flowing with the tides of rage I’m struggling to suppress. Running my tingling fingers over my face, I take a deep breath and know that I need to clear my head.

I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and Mike glances at me from the couch. "You okay, Zo? You look a little pale."

Michelangelo could be the perfect escape. If he manages to upset me then I need to seriously think hard about doing something drastic about myself. I plop down next to him hopefully, "I don't even know, Mike. I'm in the worst mood."

He offers me a compassionate smile and pats the space next to him on the couch. "Hang with me, Babe, but leave room for Leo, Space Heroes is coming on."

I scoot closer to him, nod and rest my head on his shoulder.

"Zoe?" Donatello's hand is on my arm and he shakes me gently. "Zoe?"

I open my eyes and realize I'd fallen asleep.

"What the hell? How long was I out?" I recognize Raph's red blanket draped over me and I'm stretched out on the couch with a pillow under my head.

"Three hours. Raph called off your training for today. He said we could hang out, if you wanted." I recognize Donnie's casual exam anywhere. If this is the brother Raph has sent after me, it's to make sure nothing's wrong.

"Where'd Mike go?" I eye Donatello suspiciously.

"He's in the dojo with Leo and Raph. They're sparring. I just finished up. I was hoping I could ask you some of those questions you promised me weeks ago."

I adore Donatello and Mike. They are both so approachable and easy to connect with. I suddenly feel very bad for the way I behaved earlier. I frown and he does too, "What's wrong, Zoe?"

"I'm sorry for the way I acted, Don. I don't know what- I just, I feel off today."

Don reaches out a hand to me, "Everybody has an off day, Zoe."

I shake my head, "Yeah. I'd be glad to answer your questions, Don."

"Step into my lab, My Lady." He smiles and I take his hand, letting him guide me from the couch.

I'd walked by Donatello's lab many times, but it was really his private space and unless you needed him, we all stayed out of it. He has two rolling chairs fashioned out of skateboards that I think are awesome. He points to one, "Sit there, if you want." He sits in the other one, rolls up to his desk and starts pecking away at his laptop.

I sit in the chair and roll around a little bit for fun, twirling, and sliding, pushing the ground away and spinning. It occurs to me the clicking of keys has stopped and all I hear are the wheels of the chair rolling across the floor. I stop, look up and realize Donnie is watching me.

"Sorry,” I blush.

"Sometimes you act like, Mikey,” he smiles.

"I'm ready now, I promise." I sit up straight and try to pay attention.

"Okay, first question. What is the name of the facility that you were in?"

_I’d lain shivering on the metal table, it was cold, and the back of the gown they’d given me hung open, exposing me to the frigid steel that pressed flush against my flesh. I closed my eyes, commanded myself to obey, and permit them to apply restraints, for the consequences for misconduct were often worse than the experiments they’d subject me to, and in the end they always got what they wanted anyway. I opened one eye to the guard standing by the door holding a cattle prod, took a deep breath and knew, there were four more just like him standing on the other side of that door. Maybe today wouldn’t be so bad, I’d told myself, with clammy hands and a violently shivering body. I knew better. My breath came in short pants as I heard the screams of an animal subject pierce the walls adjacent._

"Shelton Research Campus. It was an animal testing lab." I frown, remembering those sounds, and the horrific test that followed. That was one day that, in reflection, would’ve been worth the fight.

"Zoe, are you okay?"

_“Are you sure the enhancement will work?”_

_“Set the line. It will work.”_

_The horrific green liquid inched its way toward my vein and when it hit my blood I’d thought they were killing me. The pain struck the breath from me, my back arched, my body seized, jerked and twitched while I remained horrifically conscious and vulnerable to it all._

I swallow the bile I can feel inching it’s way upward, my fingers are tingling and my heart has picked up pace. For a moment I think that I might be sick, but I try to focus on Donnie, scolding myself for letting my mind hold so much control over me today.

"Yes- Yes. What else, Don?"

"Where is it located?"

_Once the seizures stopped the next phase of testing would begin. What powers had I acquired? They’d be coming for me soon, to take me back to the exam room, where I would stay until they had the information they wanted. I pressed my face against the bar covered window, felt the iron against my forehead as I stared out at the solemn winter sky and held my breath, trying to contain the vibrations thrumming through my body. An endless blanket of snow had covered the ground, one flawless flake at a time and I thought it perfect, pure, unaltered. Not at all like me. My breath fogged up the glass and I pressed my fingers against the thin pane, the friction made a squeaking sound and my fingers tingled with the newfound energy I’d obtained, yet was unable to understand. Yearning. I had longed to be free, to know what lie outside those walls, and after what they’d done to me, what I heard rumored they still had planned, I set my teeth on edge, took a determined breath and felt the glass cracking beneath the tip of my finger. I knew it was only a matter of time._

"Gardiners Island." I swallow the pool of saliva building in my mouth. I'm still nauseous. This conversation is making me sick. Why? Why so much visual, why am I unable to disassociate words with the damn visual memories today? I keep letting myself go there. My control is slipping, my stomach is roiling and all I want is for it to stop. I’m gripping the edge of my seat, struggling to slow my breath.

"What is the name of the scientist?"

_“Dr. Shelton, I’m Baxter Stockman, I’m here to administer the mutagen. I understand you are the head of Project Evolution?”_

_“I am. This is Zoe, the star female specimen of our project. She’s just shy of a masterpiece. Her siblings however, aren’t fertile.” Shelton frowned, “as far as we’ve seen so far, anyway. Zoe, however, will serve us well. She’s a perfect genetic match for our panther hybrid, but first she will serve the rest of the elite team. We’ll train her offspring and expand our division with a line born not made. From there we should be able to work out any flaws and make any necessary improvements.”_

_Shelton stroked my abdomen as if I were a horse off to the breeding shed, my stomach lurched, my skin crawled, and I knew that was the night, I was getting the hell out._

"Isaac Shelton." It’s not working I’m not able to regulate my heartbeat, I'm breathing faster, through my mouth now, and I feel my body shivering.

"What animals comprise your DNA?"

I look in Don's eyes and I know this is an important question for him but I'm embarrassed and I blush. At least the experiment that created me was one I couldn’t remember. I swallow the welling pressure of bile in my throat, lick my lips and make a request. "Don't… don't tell anyone else Donnie, okay?"

He nods, "You have my word, Zoe. Unless it's life or death, I make exceptions in those situations."

"Fine," I agree. I look at the floor in shame, "They thought if they mixed DNA from a land animal, a flight animal, and a sea animal that the human would inherit some of their abilities. They hoped for flight, speed on the ground and in water… and they wanted a hunter…. I don't know what species of aquatic life is in my DNA but I know there is some, I believe they used a red tail hawk for the flight animal but obviously I can't fly. And they used a cheetah for the land animal and hunter."

"Did you inherit any abilities from them?" He's typing all of this is in his computer and hanging on my every word and while I’m grateful for the brief reprieve of dark memories, I’m wondering why the nausea isn’t fading, but growing.

The room sways slightly and I rub my neck, shifting uncomfortably. "I can see in the dark really well, I think that's from the cheetah, and I see in detail from the hawk. My bones are very light, that's the hawk, too. I'm fast on the ground, again the cheetah. I can swim like a fish so whatever animal that is."

"What was the name and purpose of your project?"

_“You know everything has a deadline Shelton. One masterpiece does not an army make!” Shelton’s employer, an unnamed man with a burned face, only one eye, and dressed in a business suit, glared at me. “Even if she is a magnificent specimen, Project Evolution has yet to produce anything I can sell. It seems we are dependent on this creature to produce a viable generation for us. This is unacceptable. You have two years to remedy the situation!”_

_“But Master, her offspring would only be toddlers at that age, hardly warriors.”_

_The one eyed man turned, outstretched his arm, wrapped each finger slowly around Shelton’s neck, flexed them and the scientists face grew bright red. The businessman’s voice sent a chill through me, “That’s your problem not mine. Take Stockman and fix the problem.”_

_“Yyyyou have the other elites,” Shelton squeaked out, trying in a futile effort to pry the man’s hand from his neck._

_The businessman snorted, “I’ll keep them too. I need you to make something,” the man looked me over, “I can sell.”_

"Project Evolution. To investors it was an animal hybridization research project. They were evolving species for the pet market. That gave him licensing access to tons of exotic animals desired in the pet trade. Isaac secretly was a Frankenstein mixing animal DNA with human to try and create a super-human, an evolved species. He wanted to create, sell, and market the ultimate weapon."

"What kind of testing did they do?"

I wince and lick my lips, remembering the searing neon liquid.

_The sounds leaving my body surpassed what had reached my ears from neighboring walls. I felt like I was melting from the inside out, helpless to do anything to stop it. If I survived this, I managed the thought through the foam building around my mouth, my eyes dried like sandpaper, my fingers curling involuntarily into my palms, I promised myself, it was the last they’d touch me without an all out fight. The. Last. Time._

My stomach lurches and my chest burns with stomach acid determined to erupt. "Don, can we skip that one?"

"Sure, Zoe,” He nods. “May I take blood and hair samples?"

"Yes Don, you can have a hair and blood sample.” He sounds so textbook, it’s almost as if, “Are you reading these questions off a list?"

He’s so serious when he looks at me and nods, "Yes I am." He makes a few notes and turns to me, "Last question… _for now._ I may have more after I do your blood work and analyze your hair sample." He bobs his head like he was trying to see if I was okay with that.

This whole thing has been just shy of everything I thought it would be. I’m struggling not to be ill, he’s only asking me questions, he doesn’t know how they affect me. I hope he never knows, how horrible it can be, to be so… vulnerable in the hands of the enemy who created you. "It’s fine, Donnie."

"Are there others like you?"

My face falls. I feel it. I feel my heart plummet as I slide down in the chair.

_“Go! Zoe, go! With what they have planned, you can’t afford to stay here. Go! I’ll be okay. I’ll distract them! Go!”_

_Knowing she was right. She would survive, she did not have my fate before her, I lowered myself into the dark, narrow space, into the vile slop below, slid the manhole cover over my head and wove my way through the maze of tunnels with only a dying penlight to guide me. The entire three days it took me to gather the courage to surface, the only visual I had in my increasingly pitch surroundings were the memories of my friend… and every crime I’d committed against my own kind in recent months._

_“Push her harder!” Shelton screamed at my Sensei. “We need a weapon, not a damned hero! Our funds will dry up if she doesn’t meet these criteria!” he smacked a clipboard, thrust it into my sensei’s chest and released it. My Sensei let the board fall to the floor then thrust his palm into Shelton’s chest sending the scientist flying into the wall behind him._

_“She’ll be ready! Test day is tomorrow. I won’t let her out till she does it. We’ll break her. She’ll kill every time from now on. You, just make sure your part is done!”_

Break me they did, my own families blood was on my hands. I held my trembling scarred arms out where I could see the razor fine lines, marring my biceps, adorning my forearms and backs of my hands. They were everywhere, those paper fine marks. Punishment for disobedience, every single one of them, for every time I’d refused to kill. Only, when my own family turned on me, it was then, and only then, when my life was on the line that I’d snapped. The deaths of my own kind were as fresh in my mind, as the blood flowing in my veins, the very acts they’d put on me, the very thing that sent me to the place only Raphael had been able to pull me from.

"Donnie, there was one of me for every letter of the alphabet. I even had a twin, Zaire. She didn't make it.” I’m sweating, my heart pounding, because I killed her. Me. But I will never tell him that, not when I want this place and the Hamato clan for my home, my family, and I know there’s no way they could ever forgive such a horrific crime. I struggle to school my face into something less distraught, but fail, feeling my body grow heavy when I manage to tell him, “The only other one of my generation that there is left, is Exodus." I feel tears pool in my eyes and Donnie hands me a tissue. "I left her behind, Don. I left her there… I left her..."

I’m going to be sick, I can’t hold it down anymore. It’s as if I’m in one of those nightmares where I’m running but I’m not getting anywhere, my heartbeat has become erratic, I’m coated in perspiration and with one hard lurch of my stomach I jump up and bolt from the room, almost knocking Mike over on my way to the bathroom.

I think I'm never going to stop retching. I haven't eaten much, so it isn't like there was a lot to empty, but I dry heave until I think I’m going to die. I curl up on the floor of the bathroom, lean against the door and sob. My friend’s beautiful face, sweet blue eyes, pale blonde hair, she fills my closed eyelids and I hurt to be rid of her. I’m so sorry I left you Exodus.

There’s a soft knock on the door, "Zoe, should I get Raph?"

God no. I'm a hot mess. "No, Don. I'm sorry. I'm fine. I'll be right out." I stand up on shaky legs and splash my face with water. I look in the mirror. My eyes are a swollen mess. I rinse out my mouth, dry my face with a hand towel then venture back to the lab but Donnie isn't in there.

"Needle room, Zoe. I'm in the needle room ~~,~~ ” Don calls from down the hall.

I walk in the first aid room and Mike is sitting on the exam table getting a cut on his arm stitched up. "You okay, Z?"

I rub my eyes and put on my best smile. "Yeah, Mikey, I'll be alright," I say, and my voice sounds feeble even to me. That’s enough of this I have to pull myself together. I point to his arm, "What happened to you?"

"This is nothin, I got a little too close to Leo's katana."

Donnie finishes up with Mike and points to a chair next to his supply shelf. He pulls out his blood drawing kit, a pair of scissors, some bandages and baggies.

"Gees, Don, what're ya gonna do to her?" Mike starts poking at the supplies and Donatello swats his hand.

"You're done Mikey, get outta here." Mike keeps poking at various items on the counter his hands bumping into Donnie's. "Mike- Mike- Get Out!" He shoves his brother out the door.

Donatello looks at me, "I'm sorry I upset you, Zoe."

I shake my head, embarrassed that answering some basic questions caused me to have a damn breakdown. "I'm sorry I ran out on you, Don."

He smiles his sweet shy smile and points to my hand, "Let me clean and bandage your knuckles again. Then I'll do the blood draw and I'll let you cut your own hair."

He tends to my knuckles carefully and is proficient with the needle for the blood draw. I snip a lock off from the underside of my hair. The events of the day have left me drained. My stomach growls. And apparently, hungry. "I guess you're eager to play with all of these goodies, huh?"

Donatello nods, "Do you want to watch me work?"

I shake my head, "No Don, not really. I'm gonna go get a snack."

Donnie seems surprised, but quickly recovers with a smile. "All right, Zoe. See ya at dinner?"

"Sure, Don." I yawn and make my way to the kitchen.

_**Donatello** _

"This is fascinating. Her blood is amazing, the red blood cells, the platelets… her genetic makeup is remarkable," I mumble to myself as I examine at Zoe's blood under a microscope. I'm running a full analysis and I can't wait to read the results. I wish they'd hurry up.

One of my printers clicks into gear, and after twenty four hours of waiting, it’s finally running my dream printout. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait. This is amazing, she's amazing! _Only two like her in the all the world._ I tear off the report and start scanning over everything.

"Hmmm, that can't be right. I better run it again."

 


	12. Chapter 12

**_Zoe_ **

"You sure you're okay?" Raph looks at me skeptically, his arms cross over his plastron.

I shake my head and clench my teeth, "I'm fine Sensei. Permission to spar with my opponent, please?"

He holds a hand out to me, helping me off the mat.

Leo just laid me out for the third time this morning. This last drop was close. He was millimeters from slicing my cheek and Raph was pissed. After some serious words between them and some finger jabbing in the plastron, we were permitted to fight again, but this round is weaponless, by order of the big guy.

Leo launches an attack and I counter. I attack and he counters. It’s been like this all morning. _I want to get him so bad._ Now we are engaging in close hand to hand combat. Swipe, duck, block, weave, swipe, block, kick, block, block, block, I spin around and kick at him and he grabs my foot and flips me over, but I land on my feet and bounce back up, kicking at him again. He blocks me and I sweep low. He jumps, I swing and miss. Block, kick, block, block.

_What the hell is that noise?_

Leo and I look at each other, trying not to be distracted by the nerdy turtle screaming at the top of his lungs at a million miles a minute in our peripheral. Leo and I choose to ignore him and Leo pounces at me, but Donnie jumps in between us and takes a kick to the plastron knocking him on his shell.

I jump back as he slides on his shell to a stop at my feet, "What the hell, Donatello?"

"What are you doing, Donnie?" Leo reaches down to help his brother off the floor.

"There better be a good reason for this, Don." Raph is seething. He never really seemed to calm down after the almost cut to my face.

"Uhh-uhhh, uhhh," Now Don is stammering, his eyes darting from Leo, to Raph, to me and back again.

"Spit it out, Don!" Raph snaps at him.

"ZZZZooooeeee, Zoeeee," He is still stammering.

"For the love of- I'm gonna hit you." Raph steps towards his brother and Leo separates the two with his hand.

"What is it, Donnie?" Leo asks calmly.

Donatello looks at me and then Raph, who is being only slightly subdued by Leo's hand being held in front of him.

"Zoe's Human Chorionic Gonadotropin levels are uh, really, really high."

We're all staring at him.

"Uh Donnie, can you dumb it down a notch?" Leo raises his eye ridges.

"Her HCG levels are really, really, high,” Donnie shrugs.

"Another notch, brainiac,” Raph hisses.

"Uh, Zoe's pregnant." Donnie shakes his head and his eyes dart over each of us to see if we understand him now.

I'm the first to react. Leo and Raph are both frozen stiff. I honestly don't think they're breathing. "Uh- that's ridiculous. That's…." _Oh. My. God. I haven't had a period. I mean, I only have four a year but… I should've had one by now. I'm moody, I'm tired, I'm nauseous_ …. I don't even look at any of them as I flee not only the dojo but the lair.

I'm cursing my claustrophobia, because every time Raph has brought me home, he's carried me, I've fallen asleep, and now I’m only vaguely certain of which way to go. My shock however, outweighs my fear and I'm wondering down tunnels with the stench of sewage making me nauseous. How is this possible? Duh, Zoe, you had sex. What did you think was going to happen? God, not this. Not _this_. My heart flops madly as I draw in a breath and gag from the stench. What am I going to do? What was I thinking? I wasn’t. The truth is, I was letting go, I wanted to let go, to feel, to experience, to live. My stomach turns, and I squint through the darkness before me, struggling to find a way out. Somewhere on the edges of my conscious a little voice taunts me. _There’s no way out of this._ “That’s fine,” I mutter, “I’ve just got to figure out what I’m going to do and I need to clear my head before-” Something else burns like an ember desperate for oxygen and I suppress it for now, unwilling to think about it. Finally, I find a ladder, climb it, and shove the manhole cover aside. I crawl out onto the street and drag it back over the hole, the damn thing is heavy. I gauge my surroundings and determine that I'm not far from Karai and April‘s.

It's cold out and I'm shivering in my tank top, with the sweat from sparring chilling my skin. I walk on numb legs the ten minutes it takes me to get to their place. Take a deep breath and with a shaking hand knock on the door. When April opens it I take one look at her and burst into tears. Tears? I didn’t even know I felt like crying? What the hell is wrong with me?

"Come on, Zoe. Donnie's called and told me everything. The guys are worried sick about you." She leads me upstairs.

"April, I'm really tired and I just need to clear my head. Can I take a shower and-"

"Of course, Zo. Come on, I've got a t shirt you can crash in. Are you feeling okay? Can I get you a drink or something to eat?" April flutters around grabbing me a shirt and some towels and opening the guest room door.

"April?" I shake my head, numbly holding the shirt and towels in my arms.

She stops fluttering and looks at me.

"Thank you," I mutter, unbidden tears slipping down my cheeks. Great, my new role is a moody, blubbering mess. Everyone will love that. Fuck, Zoe!

April smiles at me, in that calming way that she does, then reaches out and hugs me, "It'll be okay, Zoe. It'll be okay." She pulls away, looks me over and says, "I'll call the guys and let them know you're here and okay."

And the embers I’d suppressed are stoked, rising into a well fed flame. Raphael. That’s what I hadn’t wanted to think about. Him. This affects him too. Part of my brain feels like a snapped twig, I can almost hear it break. That gap, that space, gives way to a tidal wave of thoughts and emotions, crashing over me, driving away my breath, "Oh my god, Raphael." _Oh, my, I totally bailed on him._ _Oh my god, I'm having a baby. His baby._ A baby. Baby. What am I going to do? I have to talk to him about this. What will he say? Will he be mad? Will he think I did this on purpose? What? Where? Baby. Me. Raph? My stomach rolls, my knees feel like they may give and I lean against the wall as my world tilts to the side.

"Zoe, it's fine. It'll be fine." April is holding my shoulders and rubbing my arms, but appears to have much more to say and plenty of questions of her own. "Go take your shower and try to get some rest."

I nod and slip into the bathroom. As I’m laying the towels and shirt on the counter my mind is churning, baby, Raphael… I turn on the shower. _Maybe if I just keep moving. I will be okay._ That stupid voice nudges me again. _You can’t run from this._ I step beneath the hot water allowing it run over me until it turns cold. I'm so tired. Why am I so tired? Baby. Raphael. What am I going to do? What do I do? Still wrapped in a bath towel I begin to fidget with April’s hairbrush, pulling the hair from it, throwing the mess of strands into the trash, then I wipe off the counter top with a rag, straighten all of the bottles on it, turning each so their labels face forward. All the while my mind is blaring with two words. Baby and Raphael.

One of the light bulbs in the strip over the counter flickers and I catch a glimpse of myself amid the steam fading from the bathroom mirror. Slowly, I inch back the towel, daring to look at my body a little closer. How did I miss this? How did I not know? It’s my body for crying out loud! My eyes are red from crying, my trembling lips a bright coral, I press them flat to stop the motion as my gaze drifts to my obviously swollen breasts as I wonder how I hadn’t noticed before. Turning a bit to view myself from the side the small raise beneath my belly button is slight, but was previously non-existent for my otherwise flat and well defined abdominals. My heart flutters and jerks as I wonder how he will take this, what will he say, what about his family? I close my eyes, trying to clear my head of all that I can’t fix at this very moment, at the situation I don’t know what to do with, or where to begin. My hands feel weak as I reach for the shirt, pull it on, and shuffle into the guest room, closing the door behind me. I lie on the bed, curl into a ball clutching a pillow against me, and decide the first step will be talking to Raph. After all, what he wants, his opinion, is what matters to me most.

 

**_Michelangelo_ **

"I'm sorry, say what again?" I don't know what HCG levels are, but Donatello keeps talking about them and Zoe.

 _She ran past me so fast she was a blur._ She just looked… _shocked._ She didn't hear me and if she did, she didn't answer when I asked if she was okay… and I wanted to tell her what I saw on TV.

There was a big commotion in the dojo and Splinter came from his meditation and called a family conference.

Now we're all standing in the dojo and I still don't know what's going on.

"Say it again, I don't get it." I'm worried about Zoe, she's like a sister to me.

"Zoe's pregnant." Donatello and Leonardo look me in the eye and say it at the same time.

"Ohhh, oh…. _Oh._ " I'm watching my brothers who are all acting like something awful has happened. To me, this sounds like good news. I look at my big brother in red and he's sitting on the floor just kind of staring into space. "Is he okay?"

"Uh, no, Mike, no one's okay right now. Zoe's missing. Raph's catatonic. And I'm afraid I may have hurt the baby, when I was sparring with her." Leo seems really stressed.

A t-phone rings, "Donatello,” he answers. "Whew. Okay. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Thanks April. Love you too. Bye."

Don ends the call and glances at Raph, who for the first time looks up.

"She's okay. She's at April and Karai's place."

Raph nods and climbs to his feet. He moves to leave the dojo but Sensei calls him back. Raph keeps his eyes on the floor as he makes his way to our father.

"Raphael. Is this your-" Splinter starts to ask but Raph interrupts him.

"Yes." His eyes dart up to meet Sensei's before his gaze shifts to the floor.

Splinter nods. "Our family is growing Raphael. I think this is good news."

"Me too!" I blurt out, "I'm going to be an uncle!"

"Shut up, Mike!" Donnie and Leo yell.

"No, Michelangelo is right." Splinter motions to me. "Zoe is family. She has been for a while."

Me, Leo, and Don all nod in agreement.

Raph looks hopeful for the first time. "I'm gonna bring her home."

I have to tell them. I have to tell them what I saw on TV, it might be important. "Guys, is it a big deal if I saw Zoe on TV today?"

Everyone looks at me.

"You _what_?" Leo demands.

"I saw Zoe on TV. She's a missing person. It was like one of those commercials for _if you've seen this person_. They said she was the daughter of a scientist dude and there's a reward for finding her."

"Mike, you should have said something sooner!" Leo snaps at me.

"Dude, I was trying to tell Zoe, when she flew out of here. I just saw it right before she left. It's like, there's Zoe on TV and then there's a flash of Zoe bolting from the lair."

"I've got to go." Raph turns to leave the dojo.

"We're coming with you." Leo insists.

"Alright. But I need to talk to her alone. Okay, guys."

We all agree.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**_Zoe_ **

 

"Zoe."

I blink into the darkness of April's guest room, responding to the sound of his voice.

"Raph?" I whisper. My eyes adjust to the darkness and I can make out his shadow sitting in the armchair beside the bed.

"Yeah."

We sit in silence together. I lie on my back, staring up at the ceiling, trying to absorb what Donatello told us. It never occurred to me and I guess it didn't occur to him either. We've been enjoying each other in a perfect bliss, oblivious to any possibility of anything outside of our little bubble. My heart thumps madly in against my breast, what does he think of this? What will he want? Tears spring to my eyes, fear slipping it’s chilly fingers around my arm. What if he doesn’t want… what will I do?

He finally moves.

"Are you… okay?" His voice is so unusually soft. _He sounds… scared?_

I climb from the bed on wobbly legs, coming to stand in front of him. I have to look in those eyes, _I have to know._ Turning slightly for the window, I reach to open the blinds and he stops me.

"Don't do that, Z."

"Why not? I'm not going to pull them up. I just want to let a little moonlight in." My fingers freeze over the now slightly cracked slats, I don't understand.

"Can we get to that in a minute? We need ta talk."

Swallowing a baseball sized lump in my throat, I find my chest tightening as agitation mingles with my fears. "I can't open the blinds and we need to talk about _that_ , after we have a prerequisite talk?" I'm confused.

He shakes his head, "You have been hangin out with Don too much, usin’ big words like that."

Now, I'm getting irritated, "Raphael _you_ need to start making sense, like, _now_."

He sets his eyes on me and I see it clearly. _Fear. My big guy has fear in his eyes. God, what could scare him? He's fearless._ "Raph, _what's_ going on?"

"I love you, Zo."

Well thank the Gods for that, because we are in a damn spot for sure. Is he afraid of having a baby? I know I am. No, that’s not it, well maybe some of it? What the hell? "Raphael, I love you too, but you are scaring me."

He reaches for me like I might break and pulls me to him, closing his eyes as he rests his masked forehead against my chest. I kiss the top of his head then gently rub the back of his mask. I’m desperate to know his thoughts and eager to soothe him of his worries, even as I’m sure at least some of them intertwine with my own. He sits up, lifts a gentle thumb to my cheek, the moonlight just catching the rare softness in his green eyes before his lips brush mine. His kisses are sweet, light, and tender, greater than what I ever thought him capable of, and I respond with teasing light brushes of my own. He pulls my shirt over my head, tossing it to the side before he lifts me up and lays me on the bed, hovering over me. All the while he’s blessing me with the softest touch he's ever graced me with and I’m filled with hope. He gradually leaves my mouth, kisses his way down between my breasts, and I feel something warm and wet mixed with the pressure of his lips as he moves down below my belly button and stops. He rests there. Supporting his weight from me but holding me close to him. Tears slip down my cheeks, as I find myself feeling comforted, adored… loved, without him uttering a single word. That’s when I knew, that if someone could fall in love with someone they'd never met… Hamato Raphael just fell.

I feel his plastron rise and fall and he swallows. "Zoe, I want this baby."

I reach down and touch his cheek, feeling the wetness of his tears beneath my fingers. My heart is shattering and I know beyond any doubt that I will do everything I can to give it to him. My lip trembles and I try not to break. Nodding I run my fingers over the top of his head. Everything about him right now, tells me he's completely surrendered to me, and I’m overwhelmed with all that entails. His attitude, his defenses, his shields, all of it, down, cast aside before me, he’s laid himself bare, vulnerable and… wanting. He wants this baby. My body is shivering, my eyes wet with fresh tears, he trusts me, he loves me, or he’d never ask.

What do I want? For all that complicates our lives, this answer is easy, maybe it’s the only thing that is. I want him, and I want to give him whatever I can. "Then I guess… we're having a baby."

"Good." The vibrato in his voice ripples through my skin, jolting throughout me. He doesn't move and I don't want him to.

There's a light tap on the door and I hear Leo's voice, "Raph, we've got to go."

Raphael groans and lifts himself from my body, kisses my belly again then moves with ninja grace back to my mouth and kisses me quickly. I feel him shift gears as he's already across the room and throwing me the t-shirt. "Where are your clothes, Z?"

"Why are the guys here?"

He sighs. "You need to get dressed, Zoe."

I climb from the bed and grab my clothes from the dresser and put them on quickly. My own senses are suddenly very alert. _Very alert._ I drop my head and listen, feel, _sense_. I close my eyes. Something's… "We've got trouble."

"How'd you-"

Leo's at the door again, "Raph, _now_."

But before Raph can open the door for him, the window behind me shatters, sending glass flying everywhere. Raph’s already got his arms around me and his turning his shell towards the flying shards. I hear the sounds of feet hitting the floor around us. Peeking over the massive bicep almost clutching the air from me, I see Leo has already busted down the door and is fighting off our attackers.

"You okay?" Raph asks me, his eyes wide.

"I'm fine. _You_ , don't worry about me, I can take care of myself." I look him sternly in the eye and he nods, but I have my doubts as he throws a fist into an attacker coming up behind me. He spins around and he and Leo are clearing the room.

I duck out in the hall, dismiss hearing him yell my name, and find Karai, April, Mike, and Don fighting Foot ninja in the living room. They are pouring in through windows. As fast as my family is fighting them off, they are coming.

What can we do? What can I do? Then it occurs to me. They’re here for me. Me. I have to leave. If I leave they will follow me.

"There, she's there."

Four of them are around me.

Mike yells my name. I look in his direction and he launches two tessen into the air. I run toward my front two attackers, leap into the air and grab my weapons. For the first time, I invoke the haze, because I have a family to protect and this is life or death. Raph will understand.

**_*_ **

I groan, feeling like I weigh a thousand pounds, trying to swim through the darkness that is slowly, thankfully, receding.

"Just stay still, Z." I can hear Raph's voice.

"Is she going to be okay?" Michelangelo's voice.

"I need everyone but Raph out, please. Just… _please_." Donatello and he sounds… irritated.

I try to move but I can't seem to get my body to function at the will of my brain. Unsure of what state I’m in and whether or not our baby is okay, I hear my body emit a pathetic whimper. Damn, animal genes, I sound like a lost puppy.

"I've got you, Zoe." Raph is holding my hand and I'm too wiped out to even try to read him.

I try to open my eyes, and while my eyelids want to obey, everything is bright and blurry and I let them fall shut again.

"Shit Donnie, can't you knock her out or somethin?"

"Not without further risk to the baby. It's not that bad, Raph, it's just the stress of the whole thing. I just don't know."

Their voices recoil in my ears like someone’s cranked the radio up full blast and mashed my head to the speakers. Why do they have to yell? My head is pounding, my body as good as dead weight and I’m wading in and out between darkness while a brilliant golden light is glowing too near my face. When I feel a tugging and stinging sensation on my shoulder, I try to comfort myself, knowing I’m in good, but frustratingly loud, hands.

"Let me help."

"Yeah, here, keep sewing. I'll get started on the cut on her leg. Raph, the left ankles sprained worse than last time. Those ligaments are probably torn. Her right wrist is sprained, too. She's going to look rough for a little while but if we can get everything sewn up…"

Can’t they whisper? Why does it not occur to them to whisper?

"What about the baby, Don?"

My heart picks up an erratic beat. Yes, what about the baby?

"We may not know for a while. Just try to keep her in bed. She needs rest. I'll try to rig up an ultrasound later and see what we can find out about our newest family member." Don tugs another stitch through my leg while Raph keeps sewing on my shoulder.

"She was pretty badass, huh? Like River Tam on Serenity when the Reavers were attacking!"

 _What’s this? A compliment from the nerdy brother?_ _I'll take it._

"The who?"

"Sci-fi flick, Mike and Leo will know what I'm talking about."

"What?"

"Nevermind."

Serenity? Raphael? Really? We watched it together? Ugh. And can’t you whisper, please? I try to wiggle my fingers and am pleased to find they and my toes have decided to cooperate.

"She should've stayed with me. I don't know what the hell she was thinkin."

"She cleaned house, Raph. She was protecting her family. The same thing we were trying to do."

"Yea she was, wasn't she?"

Yes I was, wait, what? Is this real? I squint my eyes against the overhead light Donnie has pulled close. So that’s the golden light. But this time I manage to keep my eyes open, finding Raph tugging a thread through my shoulder. I feebly try to lift my arm to rub my eyes, but his firm hand pushes it back down.

He leans into my ear, "I told you, be still."

"Hey Raph, you want to know a little something interesting about Zoe…” Donnie sounds amused, “that she doesn't even know about herself?"

No, Donnie, don’t tease me now.

"You mean other than bein pregnant?"

Really, Raphael? Now? My anger rises, as I attempt to silence them, "Would you two shut up? You’re giving me a headache." My voice comes out a feeble, embarrassing raspy sound. Great, now we can add pathetic to my current ongoing list of hormonal, blubbering pregnant mess. This is humiliating.

"You _are_ a headache and a terrible patient. Stop trying to move,” Donatello scolds me.

Raph laughs and ties off a stitch.

I blink against the brightness of the room, before finally giving up and closing my eyes.

"She has some turtle in her,” Donnie whispers.

Donnie no! You promised!

"Other than the one she's growin?"

Oh, if I could get off this table… My jaw shifts and I clear my throat, desperate to sound more threatening, only my voice cracks, failing me, "Why do I feel like a joke all of the sudden?"

Both of them laugh, before Raph puts a hand behind my head, bringing a cup of water to my lips. I sip it as Donnie clarifies, "No, seriously, Zoe the aquatic animal, that DNA was sea turtle DNA."

The water moistens my palette while I blush, embarrassed by Donnie’s revelation. "Donatello, you weren't supposed to say anything to anybody about my weird animal DNA.” I close my eyes, damn near mortified as Raph lowers my head back against the table and I continue to complain, “And can you stop talking so loud and somebody turn off the fucking light. Jesus, I feel like I got my ass handed to me by Raph on a rampage."

"I told you, I make exceptions in life or death situations." Donatello said casually, tugging on another stitch.

"Fuck you, Donnie and thanks for sewing me up," I mutter, angry with him for telling my secret, yet grateful for his attentive care.

Raph is laughing. "Zoe, shut up."

And I do. I’m wiped out.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**_Zoe_ **

I'm in our bed, under my favorite blanket. I open my eyes and he's sitting in a chair next to the bed staring at me. The room is dark and I'm grateful.

"Hey,” I groan. "What the hell happened?"

" _You_ let loose on The Foot. It was insane even by my standards. Between the seven of us we cleared out what they sent and we brought you home."

"Okay, so how bad is it, cas' it feels like hell?"

"You don't remember talking to us when we were sewing you up?"

"Uh-no."

He laughs.

"Wow, it must've been interesting."

"Yea, somethin like that."

"Okay so, what've we got here?" I try to sit up and he's stopping me.

"Slow down." Our eyes meet for the first time and I want to melt with the love I see in his crystal green gems.

"Raph. How long have I been out?"

"A couple days."

"How many is a couple?"

"A week."

"What the?"

"You were really tired." I see the playfulness in his eyes.

"Fuck you, Raph."

"Ah-ah, be nice or I won't tell you everything you want to know."

"Like?"

"Oh, I think you know."

I smile at him. "As happy as you are, I'm not worried about anything or anybody."

"You've torn most of the ligaments in your ankle, you've sprained your right wrist, you have two big cuts, one on your shoulder and another on your leg and according to Donatello your likely to be spending the next nine months on the couch keeping whoever's available to hang out with you company."

And now I'm pouting.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't like that plan."

He leans over and kisses me on the forehead. I grab his hand and pull it to my cheek. My wrist is wrapped and I can tell he did it himself. "Why aren't you in bed with me?"

"Because Donatello is comin to check on the baby… _and_ it's nine AM."

I relax into the pillow, tired again. "Why do I feel like I'm going to sleep forever?"

There's a soft knock on the door and Don slips in quietly with an armful of familiar looking equipment. My mouth runs dry as the purple clad brother and the contents of his arms fade, giving way to another unsavory memory.

_The gel he’s slathered across my abdomen is frigid, and I shiver beneath it. But considering the countless tests and experiments I’ve been subjected to this is insignificant really. It’s the way they talk about me, like I’m an animal that hurts. I look like them, hair, flesh and bone. I don’t understand how they can treat me the way they do. As if I don’t feel the needle he’s roughly set to my vein, like there’s a two inch long strip of metal propping the very path my blood travels through open. Because there is, and it’s uncomfortable. Don’t be stupid Zoe. This is no different than… my eyes flicker to the bandage just above the tube in my arm, feeling the pull of the thirty-seven stitches beneath it when I clench my fist. My heart clutches beneath my shame, it’s no different than being beaten until you kill your own kind. Tears fill my eyes. Only an animal would do that. Right?_

_Stockman’s voice pierces the veil of my wandering thoughts, filling me with a sense of dread._

_“So she’s ovulating?” Stockman’s beady eyed gaze shifts from the wand Shelton holds against my skin, to the tiny black and white screen._

_Shelton nods, “We’ll get her on the schedule for tomorrow.” Then he does it again, rubs my belly like he’s patting a good dog._

_My stomach turns, bile rising in my throat, and all I can think is, not if I can help it. I keep promising myself I won’t let them touch me, yet again and again here I find myself. Well not this. I won’t give them this._

The flashback quickens the pace of my heart, but I take a deep breath, steadying myself. I’m safe, no need to be intimidated by it. It’s my past, it’s behind me. I’m at home, with my family. Yes, I’m safe. My breath comes easier as I coach myself, while watching the brothers. By the way Donnie and Raph are interacting it would appear that they’ve done this before. Raph lowers his massive frame to my bedside and rolls down the covers exposing my abdomen. Donnie is ready in a few minutes and running a wand over my belly. When a rapid swishing sound fills the room I find my breath fleeting.

"Zoe… look,” Raph whispers in my ear. I turn my head toward the tiny screen. A tiny shell shaped blip fills the space.

"Oh my god… he's real, he's really there." I whisper.

"You think it's a boy?" Donnie tilts his head examining the screen.

"Yes I do,” I mumble, feeling Raphael's eyes on me as I soak up the idea of the tiny turtle growing inside me.

"His heartbeat's strong. I think he's going to be okay." Donnie smiles at me, "I've got pictures of him downstairs. Everybody just keeps looking at him."

"Thank you, Donnie."

That sweet shy smile flickers across his mouth, "Right well, I've got some studying to do. I'll check in on you later, Zoe. I'd check out your wrist, ankle and stitches but my brother has suddenly gotten rather-"

"Shut it, Don." Raph snaps.

I can tell from the look on Raphael’s face that he’s embarrassed. "What?" I ask, my gaze darting from my red clad love to the brainy brother and back.

"Protective…" Don grabs his machines and ducks out of the room before Raph decides to hurt him.

"Who you… _protective_ … never,” I tease him.

"Ah, shut it, Z."

**_*_ **

_Finally._ The wrist and ankle are still wrapped but the stitches are out. I'm starting to show. I love my little bump. I should be able to feel him or her move any time now. I've been waiting, but so far nothing. I read that if you lay on your back you may be able to feel it… like popcorn, or bubbles. I'm lying on my yoga mat in the dojo listening to the sounds of metal clinking, sword and sai no doubt. Ninjas are yelling, Mike smack talking Raph, Raph beating up his brother, then Leo trying to break it up only to give up and join in. I try to clear my head.

“That’s not the correct counter and you know it Mikey!” Leo is reprimanding something that Michelangelo has done. I don’t know what, I’m too busy trying to feel my baby move, but their voices are growing louder, the sound of their rolling about starting to get under my skin as I set my teeth on edge.

My fingernails are digging into my palms at the sound of Raphael threatening Mikey, “You little shit, you better run, I’m gonna-”

I sigh, closing my eyes, trying to push the ruckus from my head. But there’s something else lingering nearby annoying me. It took me forever to convince Raph to let me in the dojo. I promised only yoga and Donatello promised to research my approved poses. What I didn’t realize is that he took my care so seriously he also intended to supervise them.

"Donnie, you've got to stop staring at me. I'm lying down. I think that's allowed."

Suddenly a green tumbleweed of turtle with streaks of blue, red, and orange rolls in my direction.

"I'm- hang on, Zoe-" Donnie jumps to his feet and is fussing at the boys, "That was too close to this side of the dojo. Cool it."

I slap my hand on my yoga mat and sit up, "That's it. You're all driving me nuts. Mike, back flips work for you, I get it. I say if it works, do it. Leo, it's not protocol, get over it. Raph, calm down, it's not the first time Mike's made fun of your temper. You will survive. Donnie, lying on a yoga mat is fine. They weren't that close. And I can move. Watch this- I'm going to do a pose now. And everything will be-" and then I felt the tiny little flutter, like a butterflies wings brushing me from the inside. My heart flip flops as I feel it again.

"Zoe, are you okay?" Donnie hovered over me and Raph was next to me in an instant.

"The… baby’s moving. Oh my god, that is the most amazing feeling,” my heart has picked up a slightly uncomfortable pace as my chest fills with an electric thrumming, a surge of excitement coursing throughout. A soft laugh, escapes me as I marvel at the tickling sensation, shifting about my abdomen.

"He's too small for us to feel it yet, but in another month-"

"Donnie, Shut It,” Raph and I say at the same time.

**_*_ **

"Raph, are you awake?"

He's fallen asleep with his hand resting on my belly like he does every night now. He's hoping to feel the baby kick, I know it. But he won't say anything. So now that I've been woken up by the stirs and movements in my abdomen, I want to wake him.

"Raph?"

His ninja senses kick in and he's sitting up, "Is somethin wrong?"

"No. Lie back down and give me your hand again."

"Why?"

"Raphael, if you wanted to hold my hand would I ask you why?"

"Shut up, Z."

"Seriously, do you want to feel the baby moving or do you want to argue with me?"

He gives me his hand in an instant. I rest his massive palm over the spot where my belly is stretching out in weird shapes under the force of small powerful kicks. The movements stop after a few moments.

"Your amazing, Zoe," he breathes, awestruck.

"It's not me." I shake my head and suddenly he's hovering over me. I love when he moves that fast. It heats me up. "MMMM," I hum.

His eyes burn into me, "No, I mean it." The corners of his mouth tremble with uncertainty, before his lips move but no words come out. He growls a bit in frustration. My heart aches for him, watching him struggle to express himself. I’ve learned the cues, when he wants to say something but he’s struggling for words, and I want desperately to soothe him.  

I reach up a hand, pulling him to me, "I wish you'd touch me, I swear you're not going to hurt us."

He brushes my lips lightly, his tongue intertwining with mine. He kisses my chin, my neck and behind my ear before whispering, "No."

"You're cruel, Raphael." I kiss his cheek and he chuckles. _Oh that sound._

He kisses me again, working his way to his new favorite spot to cuddle. As he inches my nightshirt up, exposing the white mound that is my stomach, he runs his fingers over my skin, so lightly it tickles. He plants petal soft kisses there before resting his head just below the mound, and I sleep with my hand resting on the top of his head. His happiness radiates from him and I'm moved to tears every time he does this.

**_Raphael_ **

We're supposed to be watching a movie but she's fallen asleep again. Her head’s resting on a pillow in my lap and I'm stroking her hair. Leo's sitting on the other end of the couch with Karai in his lap while Mike sits on the floor below Zoe. Don and April are hanging out in the armchair together.

Whenever the baby starts really moving around, she makes this sound, I can't describe it, but I've figured out what's going on. I glance down at her and feel my heart swell.

"What was that?" Mike's head whips around to look behind him. "It's like I just got kicked in the back of the dome."

I scoff. "You probably did." I reach down and inch the blanket a little below her belly. Even covered by the loose t shirt, she now prefers, you can easily see bulges moving all over the place.

Mike is staring.

Leo and Karai lean toward Zoe and watch.

Don and April observe from their chair.

I can't help the smirk on my face. _That is our baby. My son._ And the woman in my arms is the love of _my_ life.

We all watch for several minutes while Zoe's belly changes shape and rolls in unnatural ways, the movie all but forgotten. I hear her breathing change.

"You guys are doing it again, aren't you?" She smiles and opens her eyes, not at all surprised by her audience.

We can't help it really. It's nothing short of a miracle and we're all just so in awe. She glances up at me before looking at Mike. "Go ahead, Mikey, you know you're dying to."

Mike glances at me before reaching out a hand to Zoe's belly. I wouldn't usually let anyone else touch her, but I don't know if this will ever happen again, or to any of the rest of us. Zoe set me straight on that right away and she was right. So we share what we can with them. She hates all the attention but she tolerates it, because it's important to us.

"Oh me next," Leo blurts out, completely out of character for him.

Zoe laughs and the movements stop for a second before resuming. He moves more now. Or he's just bigger and has less room and we get to see it more. _Hmmm. He'll be here soon. We have to talk about that._

Mike smiles at Zoe, "Thanks, Zo, you made my day."

He reluctantly gives up his spot to Leo. Donnie gets to examine her so he never asks to get in this rotation. Karai, until this moment, has not joined in. Now she's gravitating to Leo's side and her fingertips are trembling over Zoe's belly. Leo smiles and they rest their hands on what looks like a foot protruding from Zoe's side.

"He'll go on like this for hours. Then he sleeps. He's getting tired of Donnie, though,” Zoe snickers and closes her eyes.

"He totally kicked the Doppler last ultrasound,” Donnie's eyes were bright with excitement.

"Can I?" April left Don's arms and Leo and Karai gave up their spot.

"Of course," Zoe smiles at our friend.

April lightly presses her fingers against a rolling spot and her mouth curves into a smile. I recognize the light, the excitement in her eyes. I can feel the corners of my mouth curling up as far as they’ll go because I know that joy. My heart swells, because of Zoe I’ve known more happiness than I ever thought possible. A low chuckle slips by me cas’ I also know exactly what April’s gonna say…

"This is so amazing! Donnie, I want one!"

Donatello freezes then quickly recovers, "I have some studying to do." And like a good ninja, he vanishes.


	15. Chapter 15

**_Zoe_ **

He never wants to talk. Not unless he's thought it through. So when he says we have to talk, I know it's because we have to. He can't avoid it. Otherwise he would. He'd rather show me his feelings through his actions or his touch. I get it. But he's pacing the foot of the bed at two A.M. and I don't want to tell him I've been having contractions. It's not time, so I don't need to worry him with it, but I'm uncomfortable enough, that every little thing annoys me. I don’t have the patience for this right now…

"Raph, would you just stop? You're really- acting weird." I sit up in the bed and put an extra pillow behind my back.

"We can't have a baby in the sewer."

I stare at him. "Stop with the pacing. Come over here and talk to me. It's annoying." I shove my hair out of my face.

He keeps pacing.

"Raphael, if I have to come over there and stop you I'm going to be mad. I'm not in the mood right now."

"We can't have a baby in the sewer. This is no place to have a baby." He keeps moving. Feeling my jaw clench, I throw back the blanket and climb to my feet.

He's pacing in my direction and I shove a hand in his plastron. He stops because my belly sticks out about as far as my arm extends. At least that's how I feel and he exaggerates everything so, who really knows... _besides Donatello who measures me regularly_ _._

I stand on my tiptoes and reach up for him. He leans over to look me in the eye. "This is no place to have a baby, Zoe. We have to move. I won't have him grow up without feeling the sun on his face or watching him trying to feel it by pressing his face against a drainage grate.”

For some reason his words paint a lonely picture before me, one that shifts my attitude, tugging on the stiff cords I bare for heartstrings. The vision is so vivid, I can almost reach out and touch the emerald skinned turtle boy, sitting on the filthy concrete. I can smell the stench of sewage hanging stagnant in the air surrounding him, while he stares at the light filtering through the slats, waves his hand absently through the tepid rays. No, my chest tightens, I don’t want that for our child. Schooling any sign of pity from my face I set my gaze on my distraught lover. "Have you talked to the others about this?"

He stops and moves to his knees on the floor with his head resting on my belly, his arms wrapped around me. He's emotional. He's an emotional guy. But the closer it gets to the time for this baby to come, the more all over the place he's gotten.

**_Raphael_ **

I don’t think she realizes what is was like for me growing up. We were damn near starving many a time, and I don’t want to remember what we ate. We’d been sick more times than I could count after an off tasting meal. And how many times had the space in my heart throbbed for want of standing in the light of day, drinking in the sun. On a particularly bad day I would, I’d wrap my fingers around the rusty grate and press my face against it, desperate to be accepted just so I could walk in the light. Closing my eyes I would imagine myself soaking in those rich golden rays. My soul used to belong there. Back then it did. Not so much anymore. Well, until now. My skin hummed at the thought, that warmth, almost as comforting as her. Almost.

Sinking to my knees before her I wrap my arms around her, resting my cheek against the swell of baby. How fucked up this all is, and I know it, yet I want it, her, the baby, all of it. I’m a selfish bastard for snatching them both up, for we will surely at some point, suffer for my greed. But they’re within my reach, and I want them. If I can just get them away from here into the light, away from the shadows that cling to our lives.  

She strokes the top of my head then kisses it, "Raph? We'll work it out. But do we have to do it at two in the morning?"

No. We don’t. But soon. The baby will be here soon, and I don’t care if it’s a damn tent in the woods, he or she ain’t growin’ up here. I sigh. She should be sleeping. Knowing that, I move her back to the bed, eager to curl up to her, to feel the future stirring within her. _I love her._

**_Zoe_ **

It was April who came up with the idea. The perfect solution, or so everyone in the family insisted, it was. I wouldn’t know because I’d never been to the Hamptons House. But two weeks after Raph and I had the conversation about moving, and discussed it with our family, this was the best option they came up with. I have to admit, a house did sound better than a lair in the sewers. Once it was settled, everyone started making trips there, with supplies, setting things up. It was decided that I shouldn’t be travelling back and forth because I was pretty miserable just sitting still on the couch for any length of time. Shifting, rolling, tossing, turning, stretching, groaning, sighing, they would all happen in a fifteen minute attempt at sitting. Lying down wasn’t much better. Besides, I wasn’t much use anyway. I couldn’t lift anything heavy, I tired quickly, and honestly I think they wanted a break from my less than chipper attitude. Master Splinter didn’t seem to mind my company though, a small smile seeming permanently etched upon his amused furry face.

Right now though, we are almost two hours into a wretched van ride that has me wanting to crawl out the window. "We have to stop. I think I have to pee."

"Again, Zoe?" Mike whines, "If we have to keep stopping we're never going to get there."

"Can it, Mike,” Raph snaps.

"Raphael, I can take care of myself, _you_ can it. Mike, you try sitting in a van when your nine months pregnant and you already have to pee every five minutes because there's a giant turtle sitting on your bladder! It is midnight and I'd really rather be sleeping right now. But I _can't,_ because I have to sit up here in the passenger seat so that I don't get carsick and vomit all over the place. Not to mention that I keep having contractions… and- they- hurt! So, just, just-" I try to breathe through the pressure in my abdomen, "Can it." I run my hand over my belly and try to stretch to escape the tightening. I want to cry and scream in anger at the same time, I'm tired, scared about giving birth, cramped, and just downright miserable.

I'm pretty sure the entire van is awake now but no one says anything for several minutes.

"You're having contractions?!" All four brothers yell at the same time.

“Calm yourselves my sons. These things take a great deal of time.” Splinter’s voice usually reassures me, but right now I don’t want to hear that this torment is going to go on for any extended length of time!

Karai is driving and steals a glance in my direction. Donatello's head appears between my seat and Karai's, "Are they regular? Do they hurt or are they just uncomfortable?"

Raph's hand grabs Don's shoulder and yanks him to the back of the van and then he places his head between the seats. He looks me in the eye, "Are you okay?"

"Gahhhh, just, Karai please pull over." They _have_ been getting stronger and more frequent. My heart is pounding. I don’t want to do this. I don’t. If these body enveloping waves of discomfort are any hint at what’s to come, I don’t want this. Why can’t babies just, I don’t know, be like seeds planted in the ground, sprout up like cabbages and- Ow-fuck this hurts. There’s so much pressure in my center, and I can’t seem to get any relief. I need to get out of the van.

She pulls over on the roadside next to a wooded area. "We're almost there, Zoe. Just thirty more miles." She actually sounds like she's trying to comfort me, by Karai's standards. I would laugh, if I wasn’t bracing myself for the next onset of what feels like menstrual cramps amplified to the power of a thousand.

"I know- I just," I can feel Raphael's eyes on my face. Uncomfortable with both my body and his expression, I know I have to get out of the van. I open the door but before my feet hit the ground he's lowering me to it. Not wanting to be touched, I swipe his hands off me once I'm on the pavement, and wobble towards the front of the van. My abdominal muscles clamp down so hard I can barely walk, and I can’t help worrying about how bad this is going to get. I lean on the side of the van and try to slow my frantic heart, focusing on my breath. Slow and deep. Stay calm Zoe. You can do this. Just treat it like a mission. You can do this. Slowly it passes.

Don is standing behind Raph and they're watching me. Frustrated with being the center of their attention, fearing losing the precious gift that is my long sought after self control, and feeling another contraction already coming upon me, I reach back a fist ready to drive it into the side of the van. Raph catches my hand before it hits.

"Talk to me, Zoe."

"I-" I close my eyes and wait, trying to force air in and out of me. _Just keep focusing on the deep inhale and the- Oh, god this really hurts._

I whimper and he shakes his head. "Is it time?"

"I think it is," Don's eyes are scanning my body language. "Based on the frequency-"

"DONNIE, SHUT IT!" Raph and I yell at him.

I look in Raph's eyes, jabbing a finger in his plastron, "I am going over there in the woods to pee. You are staying here.” His jaw shifts, his eyes narrowing slightly. “I mean it Raphael. If I need you, you will hear me. Right?” I raise an eyebrow and he nods reluctantly. It’s not like he wants to go with me and watch me pee, I tell myself waddling into the shelter of the trees. It’s not, he’s just about glued himself to my side the past week, like I’m a bomb about to go off. I manage to do my business before another fucking contraction rains down on me.

He’s pacing the side of the van as I make my way back. I stop midstep, suddenly unable to command one foot to go before the other with a new level of pain taking control of my body. What the fuck? I reach out for something to grab onto and he’s there. My fingernail dig into the leathery flesh of his forearm and I grunt, “I am not, in labor on the side of the fucking road, I’m- not.” My chest is rising and falling at a somewhat rapid pace as my eyes flicker up to Raph’s face.

"We're almost there, Zoe." April and Splinter appears behind Raph. She comes over and stands beside me, gently rubbing my back. "You're going to make it. Come on, the guys and have made room for you to lay down in the back and Splinter's going to ride up front with Karai. I dug out a pillow and your favorite blanket. Come on."

Splinter motions Raphael aside, taking my hand in his soft paw, “Try to stay calm and focused Zoe. We will be home soon. You are doing well, child. All will be well.”

I relax as the contraction subsides. "Okay." I catch a glimpse of Raph thanking his father and April with a nod of his head as I shuffle back to the van.

I lay my head in Raph's lap and repeating Spllinter’s words like a mantra through every contraction. Raph strokes my hair and the simple motion is soothing, helpful.

When we pull up to the farmhouse I am the first one out. April opens the front door and looks at Raph who's hovering over me, getting on my nerves. He's smart enough to stay quiet though, just making himself available. I stop halfway to the door and whimper through the strongest contraction I've had yet. My body is locking down on itself so hard I can't feel my feet. My knees buckle and Raph catches me.

"Raph, take her up to your room," April says holding the door open.

"Thanks, April." He carries me upstairs and I lean my head against his rock hard shoulder, noting that Donatello is hot on his heels.

Raph lays me on the bed, only I immediately stand up and start pacing the room.

"Let her do whatever makes her comfortable," I hear Donnie tell him. "That is, unless… Zoe has your water broke?"

Another contraction, I grip the edge of the white oak dresser and lean against it. I feel Raph lingering, "Raphael, if you don't give me some space, I _will_ hurt you."

He takes a couple steps back and stands next to Don.

"Zoe? If your water breaks you need to get in the bed and stay in it,” Don tells me.

"Fine, Don, whatever." I shove everything on the dresser off onto the floor and lean over it, resting my face against the cool top. Opening my eyes, I glance at Raph all six feet something and hulking mass, wondering amidst the increasing pressure and horrible pain, just how big this baby could be. _This sucks._ _My heart sinks, and it’s only going to get worse._

"Come get me when her water breaks. That's when we'll start checking her."

"For?"

"How close we are to having a baby."

I hear the door close and I know it's just the two of us left in the room. I sense his intent to move and I don't want to be touched, with a voice that sounds foreign to me I hiss at him, "Don't move. Just. Stay. There."

And he does.

Three hours later, with yet another evil contraction passing, I'm able to move again and start walking the floor of the room trying to get comfortable. "Raph, where's the bathroom?"

"Down the hall, second door on the left."

I open the door and feel a rush of warm liquid trickling down my legs. _I'm not peeing. I don't want my water to break. I don't want to sit in bed and writhe around in agony._ He's moving me. And I'm in the damn bed. Now Donatello is hovering over the side of it, saying something about checking my private areas and… “Raph, no!”

 _Damn it,_ Raph punches his brother in the side of the head and Donnie seems to fold over himself, to the floor.

"That's just great. That's just great, Raphael. Who's delivering this baby? Huh? What did you _think_ was going to happen?" I'm sitting up in the bed and yelling at him, grunting, gasping, between contractions.

Raph looks at Donnie then over at me, "Sorry."

I can hear the low hiss rising from my chest as I snarl, "Raphael. Get. April. _Now_."

He doesn't move, "Sorry, Zo."

" _NOW!_ RAPHAEL!" I'm squeezing a handful of comforter, gasping, "Jesus, you move faster in a damn fight."

I feel a whoosh and I know that got him moving.

The pressure is building. I hear Don groan from the floor as Raph returns with April. She takes one look at Donnie, "Really Raphael, you can't make it through anything without hitting someone."

"Somebody, help me," I whimper, the desperation in my voice sounding foreign to my ears. If I weren’t suffering, I’d resent it, the weakness in that sound. Right now, however it seems insignificant, as I’m so lost in my pain I can't even open my eyes while my body shudders, clamping down on itself.

"Okay, okay, Raph, if she'll let you, why don't you sit behind her and let her lean against you. Just do your best to comfort her. Everybody stay calm and quiet. I'm going to get Donnie up.” She touches Donatello’s shoulder and he groans again, “Donnie, please get up, we need you and we may need you’re kit."

Involuntary tears roll down my cheeks. My body is actually weeping on its own. I didn't know it could do that. My fear is shifting into a strange focus, a clarity and what I need to do. The pressure is great and my senses tell me it’s time. Raph is behind me and leaning against his plastron helps, a lot.

Donnie takes a minute to collect himself, looks around the room, sets his eyes on me and snaps to focus. “Right, let’s see where we’re at.” With that he reaches between my legs and I feel an uncomfortable pressure as he checks me. I try to breathe because I'm having a contraction at the same time. I feel Raph's cheek against the side of my face and he holds me just tight enough.

"We're close, Zoe. You're fully effaced and eight centimeters dilated. Here shortly, it'll be time to push." He smiles at me excitedly and I close my eyes and try to focus on being calm and breathing. I should have let Raph touch me sooner. It really helps.

**It feels like hours have passed when Donnie announces it’s time to have a baby, April just as excited bounces on her toes behind him. Honestly, while I think they’re trying to sound encouraging, it feels like their yelling at me, and I wish they’d relax. The noise, the urgency in their tones, its unsettling, I’m scared, in pain, and exhausted.**

"Push, Zoe! Push!" April is standing behind Donnie and they're yelling at me.

"Don, I can see his head!" April announces.

Donnie looks at me, speaking to me with his comforting, calm voice, "Okay, okay, Zoe stop for a second, you’re tearing."

I flinch as he comes at me with a pair of scissors. Closing my eyes I grip Raph's arms, but thankfully don’t actually feel the cut amid the already burning sensation encompassing my core. His hands are wrapped around my wide splayed legs helping me to push. "Push, Zoe, it's okay, you're okay, push as hard as you can."

"I'm so tired," I pant, feeling exhausted, ready to give up.

"You're right there, Zo, you've got this." His lips brush my ear and I know he's right. I take a deep breath and bear down until I can't hold my breath anymore. I don't hear myself screaming but I feel him emerge from my body.

"We _have_ a boy," Don chuckles and I feel Raph's head snap up. I look down and Don is clearing out the tiny turtle's nostrils and mouth. The baby coughs then starts screaming.

Raph and I seem to have been holding our breath and both sigh in relief. I did it. Whew, I breathe again, a wash of cleansing satisfaction settles over me. I’m so glad that this part is over. While I bask in the rush of adrenalin that simmers in my blood, dissolving my pain into a quickly fading memory, a new tether seems to wrap around me, one that connects me to the infant squawking in his uncle’s arms. I strain to better see the baby, suddenly desperate to have him close to me. Raph’s weight shifts slightly.

"Don't move, Raph. I've a couple more things to tend to on Zoe. April will take care of him." He passes our son off to her and she wraps him in a blanket and tends to him over by the dresser.

I can feel Donnie sewing me up and it doesn't hurt compared to what I've just endured.

April washes the screaming baby in a tub of water on the dresser and laughs.

"What?" Raph asks her, his voice cracking.

"He just punched me," she wraps him back up and brings him over to me, "Lay him against your chest, Zoe and cover him up." The second his tiny plastron touches my chest, he quiets. He makes the sweetest gurgling sounds and I think maybe, it's just the way he breathes. He runs his tiny hand across my chest and reaches out, then curls his fingers. I feel Raph's eyes on us both and he offers his finger to his son. The baby grips onto him.

"We'll give you guys some time to yourselves." Don finishes up and lays a blanket over us. He stops by the door, April beside him, "What's his name?"

Raph looks at his son, "Antonello."

 


	16. Chapter 16

**_Zoe_ **

My eyes fly open, peering into the dimly lit room. I love how the moonlight shines in through the curtains in the farmhouse. I never thought I'd be so grateful for windows, fresh air, moonlight and daylight, and _freedom_. Well, maybe freedom, it was the goal all along, after all.

I glance over at Raph's side of the bed. He's not there. I rise up on my elbows and a soft whimper involuntarily leaves my throat in response to the pain in the lower half of my body. Giving birth to an eight pound turtle was no field day.

"Go back to sleep," he whispers, but the bass in his voice still reaches my chest.

I spy him standing over the crib in the far corner of the room.

"Did he wake up? I didn't hear him." I slide my feet to the floor and shuffle my way over to his side.

"No but your gonna wake him up if you keep yappin. Ya need ta go back ta bed." He's running his mouth the way he does, all the while staring at our baby. Knowing him the way I do, I can tell something's weighing on his mind. He sighs as I take his hand into mine, intent on searching his emotions. Just as I reach for his life force, feeling the familiar thrum of his spirit, vibrant and fierce, yet somehow unusually soft, tender even, swirling up through my palm, he loosens his grip. "You’re cheatin, Z. Just ask." He shakes his head and finally looks down at me. I’m not surprised he knew what I was doing as I release his hand before I read any further into the tidal wave of emotions that's brewing within him. With every passing day we grow closer, maybe someday I will tell him just how close we can be. Maybe.

"You hate it when I ask," I whisper, looking away from the intensity in his eyes, and into the crib at the sweetest face I think I've ever laid eyes on. My son's plastron rises and falls as he sleeps on his shell, his tiny three fingered hand curled and his little mouth parted in an O. His skin is a perfect emerald green, smooth and unlike both of his parents, unscarred.

Raph sighs again and I pull my eyes away from the sleeping baby to look back at my mate. "What is it?" I ask gently.

He makes this grumbly sound whenever he can't find the words he wants. I wait patiently, but he doesn't speak. Maybe he doesn't need to. I don't have to know all of his thoughts. I run my fingers gently over his arm and turn to shuffle back to bed. He's still standing there staring at our son as I drift back off to sleep.

**_Raphael_ **

The lump in my throat was unexpected and not at all wanted. I watched Zoe sleeping as I've done almost every night since she's been with me, marveling at how this person has chosen me. Me. _Me._ I don't think I can ever understand it.

Splinter says we're soul mates. He even went so far as to tell me he sensed our connection the minute I brought her home. He usually speaks in riddles. Well, that's what it always seems like to me. So I was grateful that he was so direct with me for once. I wondered why he never tried to keep us apart. He said he believed there was something bigger than all of us at work and he trusted that to guide our family. I know I felt something, drawing me to her from the first time I saw her on that rooftop. It's like she was an anchor and I was the end of a rope dangling in the wind. She'd probably tell you I was her anchor. I beg to differ.

But this, what she did today, it tells me she'll never stop giving to me everything she can, all of this beyond my wildest dreams. Things I could have never hoped for, things I didn't _dare_ hope for, but I think I always wanted. I find myself staring into the crib at the tiny turtle lying there and he seems too perfect for words.

He's unreal. I have to be dreaming. I feel like if I take my eyes off him, he might disappear. His arm stretches out and his hand balls into a fist. _Huh. The things we'll do together. What I will teach you, but I hope you never need to know._ I take a deep breath and force my worries out. You will be safe, you shouldn't have to fight. But it _will_ be hard for you and I hate that. If only you looked like _her_. Maybe then… but I think you're perfect. Who cares what the rest of the world would think of you, as long as I can protect you from it. And I will and she will, we all will.

The looks on my brother's faces as they each held him in their arms. We all felt it. We all knew we had reached some marker that we never thought possible.

I hear her breathing change behind me and she winces. I tell her to go back to bed. She never wants to stop, even when she should. _I love that about her._ _God, I love her._ And she's standing next to me. She tries to hold my hand. I don't want her to right now. She needs rest more than she needs the burden of my emotions weighing on her. I tell her to just ask what she wants to know. She knows what that means because I'm obviously _not_ going to go there verbally. Finally she stops and goes back to bed. Good, because I'm ready to hold you, because if I try to hold him I'm gonna wake him up, and I need to hold onto something right now or I might float away.

I turn, trip over a barbell, and catch myself, but realize too late that I'm growling and mumbling some choice words under my breath.

The baby starts to cry.

"Some ninja you are,” she snickers from the bed.

"Ah, shut it, Z.

 


End file.
